First off, I wanna welcome yet ANOTHER ninja reader of my blog, Maeron aka the Purp. I think that brings me up to fourteen? Marteen, Coinstar, A-Ham, Maria, Waffles, R n' R, Welch, Spanky, Jeff, JavaGrava, Juice, Black, H-Rose and Chris O. So fifteen! Holy crap, I'm getting popular!
Welcome, Miss. Adding a little thuggenomics to the mix here (and Firefox's dictionary for some strange reason recognizes "thuggenomics" as a word. Chikka yeahhh!).
Anyway.
As all fifteen of you who read this steaming hunk of poo know, I find bottled water extremely stupid. That said, I've recently noticed that bottled water seems to do something to people as they drink it (other than hydrate them and make them look like idiots for having something so stupid in their possession in public). What is it, you ask? It makes them do something that rivals the bottled water itself in sheer stupidity.
Whenever I see people drinking water bottles, they have this stupid tendency to wrap their freakin' mouths around the opening and SUCK the water out instead of DRINKING it like a normal fucking human being. It's like they're trying to vacuum all the water out or something, but whatever they're trying to do, they're only succeeding in pissing me off.
First off, you look like an idiot. The rest of the civilized (albeit slightly stupid) bottled-water-drinking world can DRINK the stuff like normal people and not SUCK it out like some cheap Amsterdam hooker. Why can't you?
Secondly, with the whole practicing for the suck a golf ball through a hose thing, you're sucking air out of the bottle too, so it collapses in upon itself. Now, most bottled water bottles are made of cheap recycled plastic, which, if you've ever experienced it, makes a HELL of a noise if you make it lose its shape. Ways that such a loss of shape can be accomplished include stepping on the bottle, twisting the bottle, folding the bottle, and SUCKING THE FUCKING AIR OUT OF IT! So not only do you LOOK like an ass, you actually BECOME one, because in addition to the fact that you drinking bottled water in my presence lowers my IQ by ten points (it's a fact!), now I have to listen to your stupidass overpriced bottle of water crackling when you stop sucking all the air out of it, ya asstart!
Bottled water is so fucking stupid!
Stay classy
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i'm in agreement with your originalllll bottled water sucks theory. but this one is way too specified. people like like idiots when they're drinking bottled anything, if they're drinking it like that. as someone who drinks as much soda as i do, i can promise it's not JUST bottled water that makes people look retarded
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm pleased that you agree with my original assessment of bottled water, and I will agree that people look like idiots when they do what I outlined above drinking anything (not just bottled water), I am terribly biased against bottled water and chose to narrow the scope of my argument to specifically target bottled water instead of bottled drinks in general. That, and about five minutes prior to writing this blog post, I saw someone drinking bottled water like I outlined above on TV and got pissed off because the crinkling noise the bottle made woke up my folks who then bitched me out.
ReplyDeleteYeah