Besides bottled water, people who act retarded, newer Cartoon Network, Canadian scientists, Gamestop, the guy who leaked the 2003 MLB steroid list, the Land Before Time, and a whole bunch of other shit, I mean?
Olive Garden Commercials. They're all like "hey look at us we're having such a good fucking time at Olive Garden. Oh man we're such good friends look at us passing the Neverending Breadsticks and laughing at some unfunny shit. Look at this guy, he's my best friend, I wonder if he knows I banged his wife while he was at that conference in Oklahoma hahaha just kiddin' Frankie (but Darline, how's tonight at 10 sound?) hahaha we're such awesome friends."
I've BEEN to Olive Garden, this shit doesn't happen. Believe me.
And whatever you do.
Stay classy
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Forest Whitaker . . .
FIX YOUR DAMN EYE! Shit man, you have money comin' out your fuckin' ass, instead of buying that new Ferrari BUY A NEW FUCKIN' EYE. Ain't no need for your shit to look like this.
GET YOUR SHIT FIXED.
And please.
Stay classy
GET YOUR SHIT FIXED.
And please.
Stay classy
Saturday, August 29, 2009
They Must've Thought 1950s Kids Were RETARDED
Readership, I was surfing through good ol' YouTube when I caught this little gem. The more I watched, the more ridiculous it became, to the point where it wasn't even funny anymore, because I realized that the people making this video (aka the U.S. Government, against which I've called shenanigans before) were quite serious. Peep.
Some quotes that made me chuckle or scratch my head - and in some cases, both:
1:05- "The principle dangers of a blast are flying glass and debris."
Really? No, seriously? Yeah? Well shit, then I'm a lot better off than I thought. Cuz I was thinking the principle danger would be, I dunno, THE FUCKING NUCLEAR EXPLOSION. Who knew?
1:45- "However, the majority of people exposed to radiation recovered completely."
Hahaha BULLSHIT. A quick Google search yields this. The quick version? YOU CAN'T FUCKING TREAT RADIATION SICKNESS.
2:55- "If you live in a private home that is well-built, the cellar is the safest place to be."
Not it's not dumbass. If a 50 Megaton explosion (i.e. the equivalent force of 50 million tons of TNT) goes off anywhere near your house, you could be anywhere you want, you're fuckin' dead times twelve and a half.
The funniest one though, is visual. From 6:48 to 7:02. I'm not even gonna say anything more than YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Holy Black Jesus, what in the sam hill was the U.S. Government thinking? I mean, I understand not wanting to freak people out and whatnot, but there's a difference between not wanting to cause an uproar and COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY BULLSHITTING THE HELL OUT OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
Which is what the U.S. Government did.
Surprise surprise.
Stay classy
Some quotes that made me chuckle or scratch my head - and in some cases, both:
1:05- "The principle dangers of a blast are flying glass and debris."
Really? No, seriously? Yeah? Well shit, then I'm a lot better off than I thought. Cuz I was thinking the principle danger would be, I dunno, THE FUCKING NUCLEAR EXPLOSION. Who knew?
1:45- "However, the majority of people exposed to radiation recovered completely."
Hahaha BULLSHIT. A quick Google search yields this. The quick version? YOU CAN'T FUCKING TREAT RADIATION SICKNESS.
2:55- "If you live in a private home that is well-built, the cellar is the safest place to be."
Not it's not dumbass. If a 50 Megaton explosion (i.e. the equivalent force of 50 million tons of TNT) goes off anywhere near your house, you could be anywhere you want, you're fuckin' dead times twelve and a half.
The funniest one though, is visual. From 6:48 to 7:02. I'm not even gonna say anything more than YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Holy Black Jesus, what in the sam hill was the U.S. Government thinking? I mean, I understand not wanting to freak people out and whatnot, but there's a difference between not wanting to cause an uproar and COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY BULLSHITTING THE HELL OUT OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
Which is what the U.S. Government did.
Surprise surprise.
Stay classy
Monday, August 24, 2009
Just Kick His Ass Already!
Little-known statistic: One in every four Americans act retarded. Props to Bovice for the statistical research. As many of you know (if you've been reading this for any span of time, anyway), I absolutely hate and despise people that act retarded. Now, notice how I said people that ACT retarded, not people that ARE retarded. I hate when people don't get that distinction (ironically enough, making them fall into the category of "people who act retarded," which, concurrently, is a category of people that I absolutely hate and despise).
But I digress.
In keeping with the opening paragraph of this rant, the following commercial series makes me quite pissed off. While this isn't necessarily the worst commercial in the series, or the commercial that pissed me off the most out of all of them, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. The camel's back being the dam that held back my pissedoffery at this stupid fucking commercial.
But yeah.Watch it, let it sink in, and then read on.
How many fucking times does this kid have to hear it? THEY ARE FUCKING ROLLOVER MINUTES.
THEY DO NOT EXPIRE.
THEY DO NOT GET OLD.
It's not like they're FOOD, they don't SPOIL, they're MINUTES. It's fucking TIME, you idiot. The notion that time would have an expiration date is absolutely asinine, and so stupidly paradoxical that I might have to search this little prick out and kick his ass.
Once or twice, I can understand. The concept of rollover minutes is a little bit . . . miraculous, at first. Minutes that recycle over into next month? Oh hell yes.
But after the first couple times that your mom tells you that the minutes don't get old, that you don't need "new" minutes (and that's another thing - what in the monkeyfuck are "NEW" minutes?), you need to get it through your thick-ass head and fucking chill with asking for new minutes.
If the situation were different, I would've expected the mom to have whupped this little moron's ass already. I mean, if MY mom had told me that, for example, you can't touch flowers, and I kept doing it, she would've kicked my little ass. And this fucking idiot is at least 13-14 years old. When you're young, there's a little bit of what I like to call a "cute buffer" wherein because you're young and cute they'll let you get away with shit - to a point.
At 13-14 years old, though, you're just a dumbass.
Stay classy
But I digress.
In keeping with the opening paragraph of this rant, the following commercial series makes me quite pissed off. While this isn't necessarily the worst commercial in the series, or the commercial that pissed me off the most out of all of them, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. The camel's back being the dam that held back my pissedoffery at this stupid fucking commercial.
But yeah.Watch it, let it sink in, and then read on.
How many fucking times does this kid have to hear it? THEY ARE FUCKING ROLLOVER MINUTES.
THEY DO NOT EXPIRE.
THEY DO NOT GET OLD.
It's not like they're FOOD, they don't SPOIL, they're MINUTES. It's fucking TIME, you idiot. The notion that time would have an expiration date is absolutely asinine, and so stupidly paradoxical that I might have to search this little prick out and kick his ass.
Once or twice, I can understand. The concept of rollover minutes is a little bit . . . miraculous, at first. Minutes that recycle over into next month? Oh hell yes.
But after the first couple times that your mom tells you that the minutes don't get old, that you don't need "new" minutes (and that's another thing - what in the monkeyfuck are "NEW" minutes?), you need to get it through your thick-ass head and fucking chill with asking for new minutes.
If the situation were different, I would've expected the mom to have whupped this little moron's ass already. I mean, if MY mom had told me that, for example, you can't touch flowers, and I kept doing it, she would've kicked my little ass. And this fucking idiot is at least 13-14 years old. When you're young, there's a little bit of what I like to call a "cute buffer" wherein because you're young and cute they'll let you get away with shit - to a point.
At 13-14 years old, though, you're just a dumbass.
Stay classy
Sunday, August 23, 2009
WHO has a State Quarter!?
Readership, if you'll recall, I made my feelings clear when it came to the idea that quarters could be "sold" for more than $.25 (and if you don't recall, read this . . . and then drop 'n gimme fifty).
However, a credible (if mildly reckless) source has just informed me that, in addition to the fifty state quarters that came in that ridiculous set (which my father has been sadly convinced will make him rich in twenty years), there are MORE so-called "State" quarters. "How the hell?" you wonder? As do I. Let's take a look and see what we can find.
Through the strategic use of my battle-honed kgb_ skills (aka Bing), I discovered that there are to be six - onetwothreefourfivesix, six - new quarters. The corresponding locales (because we can't call them "states" . . . because they're not) are Washington, D.C.; Puerto Rico (woot woot); Guam; the U.S. Virgin Islands; American Samoa; and the Northern Mariana Islands.
Now, despite all the "to be, or not to be (a State)" debate in Puerto Rico, I'm going to say that out of all of those locales, Washington, D.C. would be the ONLY one I would give a "State" quarter to, for obvious reasons. For starters, it's (geographically, if not politically) IN a state - as a matter of fact, it's actually in TWO states (Virginia and Maryland, for all the Commie scum out there). Secondly, regardless of the fact that Article One of the U.S. Constitution allows for a Federal district that is separate and distinct from the states to serve as the nation's permanent capital, Washington, D.C. is STILL in the Continental United States. It's much more a part of the country than Puerto Rico or Guam (the latter of which, in case you didn't know, is closer to Australia and Japan than it is to the USA). Thirdly, it's fucking Washington, D.C. Shit goes down. Respect.
Then there's the whole "what the fuck is ____?" issue. I'm not the smartest man in the world, and I am FAR from a whiz at geography (I thought Ohio was somewhere near Washington state until about seven months ago), but if you gave me a world map I could instantly point out Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, Guam and American Samoa. I'm sure if you gave me a minute or two, I could even find the U.S. Virgin Islands.
But what the fuck are the Northern Mariana Islands? More importantly, WHERE the fuck are they? I'll answer both of those questions: from my research, they're tiny (emphasis on TINY, with a capital TINY, as in SMALL AS HELL) islands north of Guam. The image that they conjure up is this one, times like a billion.
So. U.S. Government. I put the question to you. A question that I'm sure you've been asked many a time in your 235-year career.
THE FUCK'RE YOU THINKING?
Stay classy
However, a credible (if mildly reckless) source has just informed me that, in addition to the fifty state quarters that came in that ridiculous set (which my father has been sadly convinced will make him rich in twenty years), there are MORE so-called "State" quarters. "How the hell?" you wonder? As do I. Let's take a look and see what we can find.
Through the strategic use of my battle-honed kgb_ skills (aka Bing), I discovered that there are to be six - onetwothreefourfivesix, six - new quarters. The corresponding locales (because we can't call them "states" . . . because they're not) are Washington, D.C.; Puerto Rico (woot woot); Guam; the U.S. Virgin Islands; American Samoa; and the Northern Mariana Islands.
Now, despite all the "to be, or not to be (a State)" debate in Puerto Rico, I'm going to say that out of all of those locales, Washington, D.C. would be the ONLY one I would give a "State" quarter to, for obvious reasons. For starters, it's (geographically, if not politically) IN a state - as a matter of fact, it's actually in TWO states (Virginia and Maryland, for all the Commie scum out there). Secondly, regardless of the fact that Article One of the U.S. Constitution allows for a Federal district that is separate and distinct from the states to serve as the nation's permanent capital, Washington, D.C. is STILL in the Continental United States. It's much more a part of the country than Puerto Rico or Guam (the latter of which, in case you didn't know, is closer to Australia and Japan than it is to the USA). Thirdly, it's fucking Washington, D.C. Shit goes down. Respect.
Then there's the whole "what the fuck is ____?" issue. I'm not the smartest man in the world, and I am FAR from a whiz at geography (I thought Ohio was somewhere near Washington state until about seven months ago), but if you gave me a world map I could instantly point out Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, Guam and American Samoa. I'm sure if you gave me a minute or two, I could even find the U.S. Virgin Islands.
But what the fuck are the Northern Mariana Islands? More importantly, WHERE the fuck are they? I'll answer both of those questions: from my research, they're tiny (emphasis on TINY, with a capital TINY, as in SMALL AS HELL) islands north of Guam. The image that they conjure up is this one, times like a billion.
So. U.S. Government. I put the question to you. A question that I'm sure you've been asked many a time in your 235-year career.
THE FUCK'RE YOU THINKING?
Stay classy
Friday, August 21, 2009
What the Hell, Cartoon Network.
Readership, most of you, I'm sure, remember old school cartoon network (which is now known as "Boomerang"). You know what I'm talkin' about - Space Ghost, Johnny Bravo, Scooby-Doo, Dexter's Laboratory, Powerpuff Girls, Samurai Jack, etc. You know what all those shows had in common? A few things: 1) They were freakin' awesome; 2) They were on Cartoon Network; and 3) As such, they were actually cartoons. Cartoon Network was the shit back in the day. I would sit down and veg out in front of the TV for countless hours watching Dexter and DeeDee doing ridiculous shit, or the Powerpuff Girls beating the crap out of Mojo Jojo, or Samurai Jack being a FUCKING BADASS.
Now I check out Cartoon Network and guess what I see?
FUCKING REALITY SHOWS!?
CARTOON Network. Showing REALITY shows. With REAL, NON-CARTOON people.
What the fuck? That's like the History Channel showing the future.
Fucking ridiculous.
Stay classy
Now I check out Cartoon Network and guess what I see?
FUCKING REALITY SHOWS!?
CARTOON Network. Showing REALITY shows. With REAL, NON-CARTOON people.
What the fuck? That's like the History Channel showing the future.
Fucking ridiculous.
Stay classy
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Zombies? Shut the Hell Up
Props to Bovice for the topic.
Okay readership, there are a bunch of shenanigans going on in this world. Some of them are hilarious. Some of them are stupid. And then you have shit like this.
According to this article (which by now I'm sure most of you have seen already), scientists have been doing serious research into what would happen in the unlikely (aka FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE) event of . . . a zombie uprising.
It's kind of hard to write a serious sentence with the words "scientists," "serious research," and "zombies". Jeeze.
But yeah. There are "scientists" that are seriously looking into zombie plagues/uprisings. Their excuse? That a zombie uprising could be closely related to an epidemic of an unknown disease, and through modeling the progression of a zombie uprising, they could gain a higher understanding of what to expect if such an epidemic were to occur.
So lemme get this straight. "Scientists" are using a FICTIONAL and, moreover, IMPOSSIBLE OCCURRENCE to "accurately" predict and model the spread of a disease THAT HASN'T AND WILL PROBABLY NEVER HAPPEN.
What the fuck.
And they're quite intelligent, these "scientists." According to Professor Neil Ferguson, UK Government's Chief adviser on controlling the spread of Swine Flu and consultant to this research, "My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it's dead forever."
HOLY SHIT YOU FUCKING GENIUS! NO WAY!
This is serious research into something ridiculous and impossible, not to mention completely impractical. They're using government money to fund ridiculous research. If these were my tax dollars at work, I'd be pissed as hell.
But they're not my tax dollars.
Cuz they're doing this shit in Canada.
Where else could this kinda shit go down?
Fuckin' Canada.
Stay classy
Okay readership, there are a bunch of shenanigans going on in this world. Some of them are hilarious. Some of them are stupid. And then you have shit like this.
According to this article (which by now I'm sure most of you have seen already), scientists have been doing serious research into what would happen in the unlikely (aka FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE) event of . . . a zombie uprising.
It's kind of hard to write a serious sentence with the words "scientists," "serious research," and "zombies". Jeeze.
But yeah. There are "scientists" that are seriously looking into zombie plagues/uprisings. Their excuse? That a zombie uprising could be closely related to an epidemic of an unknown disease, and through modeling the progression of a zombie uprising, they could gain a higher understanding of what to expect if such an epidemic were to occur.
So lemme get this straight. "Scientists" are using a FICTIONAL and, moreover, IMPOSSIBLE OCCURRENCE to "accurately" predict and model the spread of a disease THAT HASN'T AND WILL PROBABLY NEVER HAPPEN.
What the fuck.
And they're quite intelligent, these "scientists." According to Professor Neil Ferguson, UK Government's Chief adviser on controlling the spread of Swine Flu and consultant to this research, "My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it's dead forever."
HOLY SHIT YOU FUCKING GENIUS! NO WAY!
This is serious research into something ridiculous and impossible, not to mention completely impractical. They're using government money to fund ridiculous research. If these were my tax dollars at work, I'd be pissed as hell.
But they're not my tax dollars.
Cuz they're doing this shit in Canada.
Where else could this kinda shit go down?
Fuckin' Canada.
Stay classy
Friday, August 14, 2009
Why Are Songs So Damn Sketchy?
Hey there readership. I was talking to Maeron aka The Purp last night about music (she's got a music IQ off the charts, by the way), and I realized that there are some songs that are just too freakin' sketchy to be serious. Examples? Oh of course. Read on, peeps.
Example #1: Every Breath You Take - Sting Have you ever listened to this song? At the end of every verse it says "I'll be watching you." What the fuck? Why? Creeper.
Example #2: Sweet Love - Anita Baker At around 1:15 and 1:31. What the hell? C'mon Anita Baker, let's not be a creeper here.
Example #3: If I Was Invisible - Clay Aiken WHOA! "I could just watch you in your room"? No fucker, you couldn't. Cuz that would be illegal. And then I'd shoot you with my shotgun for trespassing. And now we know that that song was about a man. As my homeslices the Purp and A-Ham would say, "SMH."
Damn these sketchy ass songs. Sheesh.
And whatever you do.
Stay classy
Example #1: Every Breath You Take - Sting Have you ever listened to this song? At the end of every verse it says "I'll be watching you." What the fuck? Why? Creeper.
Example #2: Sweet Love - Anita Baker At around 1:15 and 1:31. What the hell? C'mon Anita Baker, let's not be a creeper here.
Example #3: If I Was Invisible - Clay Aiken WHOA! "I could just watch you in your room"? No fucker, you couldn't. Cuz that would be illegal. And then I'd shoot you with my shotgun for trespassing. And now we know that that song was about a man. As my homeslices the Purp and A-Ham would say, "SMH."
Damn these sketchy ass songs. Sheesh.
And whatever you do.
Stay classy
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Gamestop Can Burn in Hell and Get Anally Penetrated
. . . after Waldy gets Halo 3: ODST and Assassin's Creed 2.
Readership, Gamestop is so fucking ridiculous. Let me spit it as it is real quick.
I don't usually play video games when I'm home (at school is a different story though). So, I figured I'd get a little bit of money trading in the games that I NEVER play (as opposed to the games that I SELDOM play). There were four games: Tony Hawk's Underground 2 (PS2), All-Star Baseball 2004 (PS2), Pa-Rappa The Rapper (PSP) and SOCOM: Tactical Strike (PSP). I honestly can't remember what I paid for the PS2 games, but realistically, it was at least $20 each. That's a VERY minimalistic estimate. Honestly, it's probably more like $30, but we'll go with $20. I got SOCOM for Christmas, but I saw it in the store and it was $40. Pa-Rappa The Rapper was $30. I know this because it still had the "$29.99 NEW" sticker on the box. So let's add that up. Two PS2 games at $20 each is $40, plus a $40 SOCOM is $80, plus a $30 Pa-Rappa is $110.
Let's pause here for a moment. I know that trading in games means a few things. One, as even if I just opened the box - and didn't even play it! - the game is used. Used means less value. I understand that. Two, when you trade games in to Gamestop, you can either get 100% of the trade-in value as a store credit, or get it in cash - minus 20%. I was short on money and needed some so I could go grab some food with my homies. I knew that my usual costs about 5 bucks. I knew how FUCKING RETARDED Gamestop is with their trade-in shit going into the situation. "What do you mean, Fred?" I'll tell you a true story: I've literally bought a game, played it, marked the box visibly and irreversibly, traded it in, and seen it back on the shelves as a used game for ten or fifteen bucks more than what they gave me for it.
Yeah. That's what I said.
Even STILL, I figured I'd get $15 (if I was lucky). Four games, one of them pretty recent (I got SOCOM for Christmas last year), and one of them clearly marked with its original price when new ($29.99). But regardless of all that, at the BARE MINIMUM, I thought I'd get $10.
AT THE LEAST.
You know how much I got back?
FIVE DOLLARS.
AND THIRTY-TWO CENTS.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN $6.65 STORE CREDIT. FOR GAMES I ORIGINALLY PAID $110 FOR.
Fuck you in the ass and burn in Hell, Gamestop.
Just give my homey Waffles his shit first.
IF YOU CAN, FUCKER.
Stay classy
Readership, Gamestop is so fucking ridiculous. Let me spit it as it is real quick.
I don't usually play video games when I'm home (at school is a different story though). So, I figured I'd get a little bit of money trading in the games that I NEVER play (as opposed to the games that I SELDOM play). There were four games: Tony Hawk's Underground 2 (PS2), All-Star Baseball 2004 (PS2), Pa-Rappa The Rapper (PSP) and SOCOM: Tactical Strike (PSP). I honestly can't remember what I paid for the PS2 games, but realistically, it was at least $20 each. That's a VERY minimalistic estimate. Honestly, it's probably more like $30, but we'll go with $20. I got SOCOM for Christmas, but I saw it in the store and it was $40. Pa-Rappa The Rapper was $30. I know this because it still had the "$29.99 NEW" sticker on the box. So let's add that up. Two PS2 games at $20 each is $40, plus a $40 SOCOM is $80, plus a $30 Pa-Rappa is $110.
Let's pause here for a moment. I know that trading in games means a few things. One, as even if I just opened the box - and didn't even play it! - the game is used. Used means less value. I understand that. Two, when you trade games in to Gamestop, you can either get 100% of the trade-in value as a store credit, or get it in cash - minus 20%. I was short on money and needed some so I could go grab some food with my homies. I knew that my usual costs about 5 bucks. I knew how FUCKING RETARDED Gamestop is with their trade-in shit going into the situation. "What do you mean, Fred?" I'll tell you a true story: I've literally bought a game, played it, marked the box visibly and irreversibly, traded it in, and seen it back on the shelves as a used game for ten or fifteen bucks more than what they gave me for it.
Yeah. That's what I said.
Even STILL, I figured I'd get $15 (if I was lucky). Four games, one of them pretty recent (I got SOCOM for Christmas last year), and one of them clearly marked with its original price when new ($29.99). But regardless of all that, at the BARE MINIMUM, I thought I'd get $10.
AT THE LEAST.
You know how much I got back?
FIVE DOLLARS.
AND THIRTY-TWO CENTS.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN $6.65 STORE CREDIT. FOR GAMES I ORIGINALLY PAID $110 FOR.
Fuck you in the ass and burn in Hell, Gamestop.
Just give my homey Waffles his shit first.
IF YOU CAN, FUCKER.
Stay classy
Monday, August 10, 2009
Blue Whales are Dicks (no pun intended . . . sorta)
Readership, I was having a conversation with R 'n R, and we had a freakin' revelation: Blue Whales are dicks!
Now looking at things literally, Blue Whales actually are dicks. Blue Whales have the largest penises in the entire world, at a whopping 16 feet. That would tear your shit up, Vaginas. Their entire length is around 80 feet. Holy shit. The Blue Whale's penis is twenty percent of its total length.
Just let that sink in for a second (no pun intended . . . again).
Now, whales don't get freaky - they don't put P in Vajay, as we do. Basically, a Blue Whale just swims around into warm waters, doing his "I'm a Blue Whale" thing, and spontaneously busts a nut. And then, a female whale is just chillin', swimmin' through some warm water doin' her whole "I'm chillin'" thing, and then - whoops, she's pregnant.
What a dick move, male Blue Whale.
What if that female Blue Whale wanted to go to college? Now you've just fucked her chances up. What if she was swimming on her way to go buy books, or register for classes? Now she's preggers. What the hell is she supposed to do now? How is she gonna tell her parents?
YOU'RE A DICK, MALE BLUE WHALE! AND YES THE PUN WAS INTENDED!
Dick.
Stay classy
Now looking at things literally, Blue Whales actually are dicks. Blue Whales have the largest penises in the entire world, at a whopping 16 feet. That would tear your shit up, Vaginas. Their entire length is around 80 feet. Holy shit. The Blue Whale's penis is twenty percent of its total length.
Just let that sink in for a second (no pun intended . . . again).
Now, whales don't get freaky - they don't put P in Vajay, as we do. Basically, a Blue Whale just swims around into warm waters, doing his "I'm a Blue Whale" thing, and spontaneously busts a nut. And then, a female whale is just chillin', swimmin' through some warm water doin' her whole "I'm chillin'" thing, and then - whoops, she's pregnant.
What a dick move, male Blue Whale.
What if that female Blue Whale wanted to go to college? Now you've just fucked her chances up. What if she was swimming on her way to go buy books, or register for classes? Now she's preggers. What the hell is she supposed to do now? How is she gonna tell her parents?
YOU'RE A DICK, MALE BLUE WHALE! AND YES THE PUN WAS INTENDED!
Dick.
Stay classy
Sunday, August 9, 2009
This Bullshit Needs to Stop NOW
Just a warning: I feel pretty passionately about this issue, so this is gonna get pretty angry.
Well, angrier than usual.
You've been warned. ONWARD!
Readership, I would consider myself a fan of baseball. The sport, the tradition, and my team, the New York Yankees (since the womb, so don't go starting with that frontrunner bullshit or I'll cut you).
Recently, as most baseball fans know, there have been rumors and leaks and discussions regarding a list of MLB players who tested positive for steroids in 2003.
This troubles me - no, this pisses me off - for a few reasons. One, the results were to remain confidential. Confidential is defined, loosely, as "DON'T FUCKING TELL ANYBODY." Loose definition, but it'll suffice for this argument. So some dumb fuck leaked it, DIRECTLY disobeying a direct order from a superior. Somebody sat the guy who leaked it down, at some point in 2003, and said "Listen buddy, here are the results of the steroid test. KEEP IT TO YOUR FUCKING SELF. Thanks!" Such a SIMPLE command - "don't tell anybody" - and yet the dipshit FAILED.
Another reason that this pisses me off is the date - 2003. What was going on in 2003? My Yankees got beaten in 6 games by the Marlins in the World Series (painful). A-Rod was AL MVP and Barry Bonds was NL MVP. That's dicey enough right there. But still - it was in 2003! A) Why are we hearing about this shit NOW, in 2009 and B) Why the fuck does it matter? What does it change? Everything that happened in the 2003 season HAPPENED and there's nothing we can do to change it. What, are we gonna go back into the record books and take away A-Rod's AL-leading 47 homers? What about Barry Bonds' NL MVP Award? Hell no, we're not.
I'm pissed that some stupid fuck leaked something that was supposed to remain CONFIDENTIAL, but I'm more pissed that A) He leaked it SIX YEARS LATER and B) He leaked it in fucking drips and drops. If you're gonna be a piece of shit and leak something that's supposed to remain confidential A) Do it when it's FUCKING RELEVANT and B) DROP IT ALL AT ONCE! The way this shit has been going, just when we're like "oh okay, people are playing by the rules now and have been for a while," this fucking twat drops another big name into the steroid stigma and we're left wondering "Who the fuck else?"
And that shit pisses me off. Who the fuck is the dumb shit douchebag that leaked this shit in the first place? We need to find him, piss on his door, egg his house, and kick the shit out of him.
All day. All night.
And twice on Sunday.
Because honestly, he deserves that.
At the least.
For fuck's sake!
Stay classy
Well, angrier than usual.
You've been warned. ONWARD!
Readership, I would consider myself a fan of baseball. The sport, the tradition, and my team, the New York Yankees (since the womb, so don't go starting with that frontrunner bullshit or I'll cut you).
Recently, as most baseball fans know, there have been rumors and leaks and discussions regarding a list of MLB players who tested positive for steroids in 2003.
This troubles me - no, this pisses me off - for a few reasons. One, the results were to remain confidential. Confidential is defined, loosely, as "DON'T FUCKING TELL ANYBODY." Loose definition, but it'll suffice for this argument. So some dumb fuck leaked it, DIRECTLY disobeying a direct order from a superior. Somebody sat the guy who leaked it down, at some point in 2003, and said "Listen buddy, here are the results of the steroid test. KEEP IT TO YOUR FUCKING SELF. Thanks!" Such a SIMPLE command - "don't tell anybody" - and yet the dipshit FAILED.
Another reason that this pisses me off is the date - 2003. What was going on in 2003? My Yankees got beaten in 6 games by the Marlins in the World Series (painful). A-Rod was AL MVP and Barry Bonds was NL MVP. That's dicey enough right there. But still - it was in 2003! A) Why are we hearing about this shit NOW, in 2009 and B) Why the fuck does it matter? What does it change? Everything that happened in the 2003 season HAPPENED and there's nothing we can do to change it. What, are we gonna go back into the record books and take away A-Rod's AL-leading 47 homers? What about Barry Bonds' NL MVP Award? Hell no, we're not.
I'm pissed that some stupid fuck leaked something that was supposed to remain CONFIDENTIAL, but I'm more pissed that A) He leaked it SIX YEARS LATER and B) He leaked it in fucking drips and drops. If you're gonna be a piece of shit and leak something that's supposed to remain confidential A) Do it when it's FUCKING RELEVANT and B) DROP IT ALL AT ONCE! The way this shit has been going, just when we're like "oh okay, people are playing by the rules now and have been for a while," this fucking twat drops another big name into the steroid stigma and we're left wondering "Who the fuck else?"
And that shit pisses me off. Who the fuck is the dumb shit douchebag that leaked this shit in the first place? We need to find him, piss on his door, egg his house, and kick the shit out of him.
All day. All night.
And twice on Sunday.
Because honestly, he deserves that.
At the least.
For fuck's sake!
Stay classy
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Something I Just Noticed
Did you ever notice that recent Presidents have daughters? And not sons? It's always "the President's daughter." Never "the President's son." I have a feeling that becoming President pretty much nixes any chance of you having a son nowadays. Historically, more Presidents have had sons (28 of 44) - but of the last ten (including Obama), five have had sons (Kennedy, Ford, Carter, Reagan, and H.W. Bush).
Shit. That took a lot of research. Much respect to Bovice for letting me know what was good.
Stay classy
Shit. That took a lot of research. Much respect to Bovice for letting me know what was good.
Stay classy
If You Love it so Much, Why Won't You Eat it?
Hey there readership. Today I was at a pool party with some homeslices and a certain conversation occurred. Lemme break it down for ya how it happened. The context is macaroni salad.
Homeslice A: "Eww are those olives on my plate? I hate olives...."
Homeslice B: "I love olives."
Homeslice A: "You want mine?"
Homeslice B: "Nope."
What the hell, Homeslice B? If you love olives so damn much, why won't you eat them? They're free! They're right there! They're not poisoned or dirty! So what the hell?
I mean, it's obvious that Homeslice A doesn't want the damn olives and is trying to foist the olives off on someone else, and since you SAID that you LOVE olives so damn much, you've basically done the equivalent of saying "well if you don't want them, I'll eat them," which is understood by Homeslice A and everyone else present - EXCEPT FOR YOU, APPARENTLY.
Bottom line: if you weren't gonna eat the damn olives, why the hell did you even say anything to begin with?
Sheesh.
Stay classy
Homeslice A: "Eww are those olives on my plate? I hate olives...."
Homeslice B: "I love olives."
Homeslice A: "You want mine?"
Homeslice B: "Nope."
What the hell, Homeslice B? If you love olives so damn much, why won't you eat them? They're free! They're right there! They're not poisoned or dirty! So what the hell?
I mean, it's obvious that Homeslice A doesn't want the damn olives and is trying to foist the olives off on someone else, and since you SAID that you LOVE olives so damn much, you've basically done the equivalent of saying "well if you don't want them, I'll eat them," which is understood by Homeslice A and everyone else present - EXCEPT FOR YOU, APPARENTLY.
Bottom line: if you weren't gonna eat the damn olives, why the hell did you even say anything to begin with?
Sheesh.
Stay classy
Thursday, August 6, 2009
A Pokemon Observation (You Knew it was Coming Eventually)
Hey there readership. As I crafted myself a most glorious sammich, I realized something about Pokemon.
While I'll concede the fact that the element/type battle advantage/disadvantage system was legit in the video game, practically, it doesn't work. Examples? Oh, I know you too well. Check it out.
Charizard vs. Staryu. Staryu's got the type advantage (Water beats Fire), but seriously, how the hell does that little piece of shit beat a freakin' Charizard? I mean, I know size isn't everything (unless you're a porn star), but come on. Charizard can freakin' FLY, he'll dodge your water shots and burn your shit up. WINNER: Charizard
The worst one though? Onix vs. ANYTHING. How the hell do you beat a 28-foot-long FUCKING ROCK SNAKE?
You don't.
And you DEFINITELY don't with some fuckin' tiny blue turtle or some retarded dog with a blossom on its back. That's for DAMN sure.
Yeah. I think about this kinda shit. What of it?
Stay classy
While I'll concede the fact that the element/type battle advantage/disadvantage system was legit in the video game, practically, it doesn't work. Examples? Oh, I know you too well. Check it out.
Charizard vs. Staryu. Staryu's got the type advantage (Water beats Fire), but seriously, how the hell does that little piece of shit beat a freakin' Charizard? I mean, I know size isn't everything (unless you're a porn star), but come on. Charizard can freakin' FLY, he'll dodge your water shots and burn your shit up. WINNER: Charizard
The worst one though? Onix vs. ANYTHING. How the hell do you beat a 28-foot-long FUCKING ROCK SNAKE?
You don't.
And you DEFINITELY don't with some fuckin' tiny blue turtle or some retarded dog with a blossom on its back. That's for DAMN sure.
Yeah. I think about this kinda shit. What of it?
Stay classy
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Let's Press Pause on the Land Before Time
Hey readership. I was just now (actually like two seconds ago) having a discussion with my colleague co-professor Maeron aka The Purp, and we hit upon something.
The Land Before Time (like Kidz Bop) has spawned far more sequels than people a) want, b) need, and c) give a flying monkeyshit about.
Now according to IMDB, there are at least 13 "The Land Before Time" movies in the continuity of the original (even if the original creators stopped after the first one was finished - wisely, I might add), with a few "Sing-A-Long" spinoffs (yuck). They just keep making these freakin' things! I mean, the first one came out in 1988, so by the time I was born and intelligent enough to know what I was watching there were three already. But get this: from 1994-2004, there was at least one "The Land Before Time" sequel put out PER YEAR. Then they took a two-year break (probably to try and salvage any bit of their souls that they had left), and then put out two more in two years, to bring the grand total up to thirteen.
My theory? They're trying to make enough "The Land Before" time sequels to have one for each year that's passed since the dinosaurs died out.
Only 69,999,987 movies left. Give or take.
Stay classy
The Land Before Time (like Kidz Bop) has spawned far more sequels than people a) want, b) need, and c) give a flying monkeyshit about.
Now according to IMDB, there are at least 13 "The Land Before Time" movies in the continuity of the original (even if the original creators stopped after the first one was finished - wisely, I might add), with a few "Sing-A-Long" spinoffs (yuck). They just keep making these freakin' things! I mean, the first one came out in 1988, so by the time I was born and intelligent enough to know what I was watching there were three already. But get this: from 1994-2004, there was at least one "The Land Before Time" sequel put out PER YEAR. Then they took a two-year break (probably to try and salvage any bit of their souls that they had left), and then put out two more in two years, to bring the grand total up to thirteen.
My theory? They're trying to make enough "The Land Before" time sequels to have one for each year that's passed since the dinosaurs died out.
Only 69,999,987 movies left. Give or take.
Stay classy
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