WHO has a State Quarter!?

Readership, if you'll recall, I made my feelings clear when it came to the idea that quarters could be "sold" for more than $.25 (and if you don't recall, read this . . . and then drop 'n gimme fifty).

However, a credible (if mildly reckless) source has just informed me that, in addition to the fifty state quarters that came in that ridiculous set (which my father has been sadly convinced will make him rich in twenty years), there are MORE so-called "State" quarters. "How the hell?" you wonder? As do I. Let's take a look and see what we can find.

Through the strategic use of my battle-honed kgb_ skills (aka Bing), I discovered that there are to be six - onetwothreefourfivesix, six - new quarters. The corresponding locales (because we can't call them "states" . . . because they're not) are Washington, D.C.; Puerto Rico (woot woot); Guam; the U.S. Virgin Islands; American Samoa; and the Northern Mariana Islands.

Now, despite all the "to be, or not to be (a State)" debate in Puerto Rico, I'm going to say that out of all of those locales, Washington, D.C. would be the ONLY one I would give a "State" quarter to, for obvious reasons. For starters, it's (geographically, if not politically) IN a state - as a matter of fact, it's actually in TWO states (Virginia and Maryland, for all the Commie scum out there). Secondly, regardless of the fact that Article One of the U.S. Constitution allows for a Federal district that is separate and distinct from the states to serve as the nation's permanent capital, Washington, D.C. is STILL in the Continental United States. It's much more a part of the country than Puerto Rico or Guam (the latter of which, in case you didn't know, is closer to Australia and Japan than it is to the USA). Thirdly, it's fucking Washington, D.C. Shit goes down. Respect.

Then there's the whole "what the fuck is ____?" issue. I'm not the smartest man in the world, and I am FAR from a whiz at geography (I thought Ohio was somewhere near Washington state until about seven months ago), but if you gave me a world map I could instantly point out Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, Guam and American Samoa. I'm sure if you gave me a minute or two, I could even find the U.S. Virgin Islands.

But what the fuck are the Northern Mariana Islands? More importantly, WHERE the fuck are they? I'll answer both of those questions: from my research, they're tiny (emphasis on TINY, with a capital TINY, as in SMALL AS HELL) islands north of Guam. The image that they conjure up is this one, times like a billion.

So. U.S. Government. I put the question to you. A question that I'm sure you've been asked many a time in your 235-year career.

THE FUCK'RE YOU THINKING?

Stay classy