A Fuckupdate

What's up readership.

As you may remember, I made an interesting observation regarding my use of the word "fuck" in this blog. In it I referenced this blog's humble beginnings, wherein I promised, and I quote, to "try to keep it to a minimum" ("it" being cursing). Then in my interesting observation, I noticed that in twenty-two posts, the word "fuck" had appeared twenty-one times - an alarming statistic that definitely refutes my promise of keeping cursing to a minimum.

Since then, I've made fifty-four posts (not including this one). In those fifty-four posts, the word "fuck" has appeared ninety-eight times.

Let's do the math on that. Through the first twenty-two posts, the fuck-to-post ratio was about .95:1. Not bad, but not good for someone who was supposedly trying to cut down on the cussin'.

Through the next fifty-four posts, the fuck-to-post ratio was about . . . 1.82:1. Almost 2:1 fuck-to-post. That's ridiculous.

But fuck it. I'm a G.

Deal with it bitches.

And in case you were wondering, I said "fuck" seven times (including the one in this sentence).

So yeah. Just thought you'd like an update.

Stay classy

I Had a Dream . . .

. . . and notice how I said I HAD a dream . . . not I HAVE a dream.

Anyway.

I had a dream that my wife was giving birth. And as soon as the baby popped out, I said, "Finally! I'm freakin' starving!"

Stay classy

Where are the Parents . . .

. . . in the McDonalds commercials? I'm far from the perfect parent (far from any kind of parent in general, actually), but it seems a little . . . retarded, to let your five-year-old hang out unsupervised with a brightly-colored clown that gives them free Happy Meals and does strange clown witchcraft.

Yeah.

Stay classy

Kicking Babies is Completely Justified

Hey all. I just want to tell you that I've had a freakin' revelation these past few days.

Here it is:

Kicking babies is completely justified. Allow me to explain.

According to HowStuffWorks.com, fetuses grow legs around the second trimester. So this means that for anywhere from 3 to 5 months, the baby gets to kick its mother, from the inside, with absolutely no consequences.

Well fuck that.

Babies are cute. They make goo-goo noises and smile and gurgle and all that shit. But they've kicked their mothers from the INSIDE (fucking heinous!), and thus they must receive their just deserts.

Kick a baby. Save a mom.

Stay classy

"No Homo!"

Okay, so the time has come to lay down the law for the use of "no homo." And the law is as follows:

1. Whatever you're saying has to be heterosexual at its core. This is very important.
2. There has to be even the most minute chance that a random passerby, upon . . . passing by, would catch ONLY that part of the conversation and think "wow that was kinda gay."

Examples of proper use of "no homo"

1. "He stopped short and I hit him from behind . . . no homo."
2. "This fag was fuckin' with me today and it pissed me off . . . no homo."
etc.

Examples of IMPROPER uses of "no homo"

1. "Dude, it was great times spooning with you last night . . . no homo."
2. "Next time, you bust a nut in MY mouth . . . no homo."

Think that those kinda things don't get said? There was this kid who sat next to me third period in my senior year of high school that would routinely say things of an obvious homosexual nature and then pause for a beat and add "no homo" like that made it completely okay.

NO, HOMO! IT'S STILL GAY!

Stay classy

A Typical Conversation Between Me and Jesus

And no, that's not Jesus of "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" fame (whose "dad" was pissed). That would be Mattie "Jesus" (say it Spanish-y) Vags. We were at the spring concert that our former high school held tonight (cuz we're that fucking cool), and were texting back and forth. That text convo is reproduced below, uncut, uncensored, and unintelligible. Enjoy bitches!

Jesus: What would you do if I palmed your dick? hahaha
Fred: What would you do if I screamed "FIRE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES MOTHERFUCKERS AGGGGGHHHhahahaha just kidding, please continue"?
J: Id shit my pants in delight. hahaha
F: I fucked a goat.
J: Word? And I wasnt invited?
F: Dude I was sacrificing it to you
J: Oh, thats what that was. Im still pissed I wasnt invited. Dick.
F: Didnt the goats innocence show up at heaven?
J: Nope. That was one fucked up goat. It went straight to Hell.
F: Wow. I sorta did the world a favor then. One less goat for death to buttfuck :-)
J: Hmm, indeed son. Good work. But thats still beastiality. Which is a sin so youre going to Hell too. hahahaha
F: Whatever i'll just buttfuck em again. Speakin of buttfucks, look at the buttfuck to my right. Fuckin listening to his ipod at a concert.
J: What a cunt.
F: Lets give him a roofie and stick a broom in his ass
J: Hmm. Indeed. But instead of the broom, we should just use Dumpy. hahahahaha [Dumpy is this Brian kid]
F: I like that idea better.
J: Hmm. Indeed. I do ideas good. hahaha
F: Yes ideas love it when you do them good
J: Everyone loves it when I do them good. hmmmm
F: Especially mary magdalene, i've heard
J: Yeah. I didnt fuck her though. I went mexican on her ass.
F: Whats that mean? Sprinkled cheese and salsa on her taco and ate it out?
J: Although that does sound delicious. No. All I had to do was touch her tummy, and then she was pregnant.
F: James Bond looks at hos and gets them pregnant
J: No no no. Thats chuck norris. But then he looks at them again, and kills the baby.
F: And then drinks the babyblood. With gin
J: Yummy. I hope he's willing to share.
F: Chuck norris doesnt share. He divides. You. In half.
J: He can bring a baby goat back to life, just by shedding a tear. But then kill it again by snapping its neck.
F: Chuck norris doesnt cry. The tears are afraid of his piercing blue eyes and thus seek to get the fuck away as quickly as possible
J: You wanna know whats deadlier than cancer, AIDS, and world hunger combined? A very pissed off Chuck Norris.
F: I wonder if jewish grandmas have their own version of chuck norris?
J: Probably. His dick would be kosher.
F: Snausages?
J: Life sucks and he sucks [referring to our former band director as he gave a long and boring speech]
F: And his wife takes it. Whats he on, kid #6?
J: I think so. She can be his pink ranger. haha
F: Are you talking about her or her vagina?
J: A little bit of bothm.
F: Bothm? Is that like gothams retarded third cousin that nobody talks about?
J: Fuck your mother hard in her spicy mexican asshole.
F: Will do
J: But Casey needs to join you. [Casey is a mutual friend, sitting two seats to my left with his girlfriend, JavaGrava]
F: No! I must do this - alone
J: Dude, shes mexican. Shes had at least 6 kids, she can fit at least 3 cocks in there.

Oh God. If I offended anybody, it wasn't intentional, so don't get all pissed off at me.

And whatever you do

Stay classy

Listen Up Bitches

Chill the fuck out.

Before I eat your firstborns.

Stay classy

Joseph Must've Been PISSED

I was thinking today, and it hit me: Joseph (of "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" fame) totally got the shit end of the stick with the whole Jesus being born thing.

First off, Joseph's wife, Mary, gave birth to the savior of mankind - but the kid wasn't his. Just stop for a second and try to imagine that you have in your household the SAVIOR OF ALL MANKIND, and he came out of your wife, but he has no blood relation to you.

"Hey is that Jesus Christ, Son of Man and Savior of all Mankind?"
"Yeah, that's my boy."
". . . no it's not."

FAIL.

But even worse, from a stereotypical horny guy point of view, imagine this: an angel comes to your wife and says "Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. You're gonna give birth to God's son, and you'll name him Jesus." Your wife relays this to you - she's gonna give birth to GOD'S SON! I mean, we've come a long way with science and shit since Jesus' day, but we really haven't changed much when it comes to making a baby. P in Vajay is how it's done, and how it always WILL be done. So, Joseph is freakin' SOUPED, he's excited as hell, he's getting the bed all ready and whatnot - he's gonna bang his wife AND get mankind's savior out of the deal. It's a win-win.

Then he gets the bad news. The whole "having sex to make a baby" thing isn't gonna be needed for this. Now, Joseph is crestfallen. He's NOT going to father the savior of all mankind. This hits him pretty hard, but finally, he sees the silver lining: while he won't be able to be involved in the conception of Jesus, he WILL be able to have sex with Mary after Jesus is born. Who wouldn't want to be able to brag that they banged the woman who gave birth to the Son of God?

But wait. Bad news, addendum. She has to stay a virgin forever. Even after Jesus is born. And then, the whole "Virgin" title gets tacked on in front of Mary's name, and you can imagine how awkward that gets for Joseph after Jesus is born.

"'Virgin' Mary? Then how'd you get the kid?"
"She was inseminated spiritually by God."
". . . oh. So you didn't . . . y'know . . . do it?"
"Nope."
"And he's not your son?"
"Nope."
"Sucks to be you, bro!"
"Fuck you!"
etc. etc.

So yeah. This is the sort of thing I think about when I SHOULD be studying psychology and (funnily enough) theology.

I'm so going to hell.

Whatever.

Stay classy

The Doubleservation Part 2: Asher Roth is a Fucking Bitch

As promised, here is Part 2 of the Doubleservation: Asher Roth is a Fucking Bitch.

His "hit" song, "I Love College," is all the proof I need in this argument. However, for the sake of clarity (and because I REALLY don't wanna be reading psychology and this wastes time AND lets me bullshit at the same time . . . win -win!), I'll elaborate.

First of all, the chorus. "Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat, then do it again, man I love college." Did Asher Roth even GO to college? Because if he did, then he was a fucking idiot. No self-respecting college student, after passing out at 3, would wake up at 10 (unless they were somewhat studious and had class, but if they had class and WEREN'T somewhat studious, they'd say fuck class and not get up at 10 either).

And then a little later we have the chant section. If I was at a party, and some herb started chanting "FRESHMEN! FRESHMEN! FRESHMEN!" I'd put down my drink, pick up a lamp, and break it over his head, then stomp him. Because screaming "FRESHMEN!" randomly isn't something cool to do at a party. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Ditto goes for "DO SOMETHIN' CRAZY!" If some asshole screamed that at a party I was at, I'd kick the shit out of him, and while he was barely conscious, lying on the floor, I'd look down at him and say "Was that crazy enough for you, ya fucker?"

Because of this, I have officially launched a personal vendetta against Asher Roth. I hereby swear that if, in the course of my life and travels, I happen to cross paths with Asher Roth in a public or private setting, I will kick his ass. With all fifteen of you and the untold infinity of people that comprise the Internet as my witnesses, I swear to uphold that oath. Amen.

And of course, people . . .

Stay classy

The Doubleservation Part 1: Shower Time

Whew, are you guys in for a treat today. Since I've been so swamped with personal shit these past couple days, I haven't had a chance to really get to put the observations I've made up here. So, you lucky bastards get a double feature! I'm gonna make two separate observations for you - IN ONE DAY!

Yay!

Anyway, the Doubleservation Part 1: Shower Time

As a respectable human being, I take a shower every day. Through my shower-taking escapades here at St. John's, I've come to realize something: shower time for me is a time of great intrigue. Allow me to elaborate.

Since August of 2008, when I first arrived at St. John's University, I've fallen asleep in the shower at least 6 times (that's being conservative. It was probably more like 10). In addition, I've zoned the fuck out at least 3 times and only come rushing back to reality upon the realization that the water hitting me was ice cold. And the kicker? Once out of those 6 to 10 times that I fell asleep in the shower, I woke myself up . . . by way of fart.

What is it about the shower that lends me to these interesting incidents? What exactly causes me to fall asleep/zone out/fall asleep and fart to wake myself up? My roommate Okneje, a philosopher of sorts (you should hear his thoughts on how VH1 and MTV are in league to destroy the image of the American Black Man), theorizes that once the water hits my head, I'm lulled into a deeper state of consciousness than in my normal, non-shower-taking moments.

I can fucks with that. I'm sure all of you get that "oooooooooh that feels goooood" feeling when the hot water hits you at that first moment too.

. . . right?

Whatever, screw you too!

Stay classy

Truer Words Were Never Spoken

"Fred . . . you're the only person I know who jokes about anal sex." - Waldy

Amen.

Stay classy