Readership, as this is my last post ever on Legally Blind Observations here on Blogger, I just thought I'd do a little "thank you" post.
First, to Dr. Becker, my freshman year DNY professor. If she hadn't told us to make a blog for class, I would never have started Legally Blind Observations. Thanks for that Dr. Becker.
Second, to Maria, my first reader (even though I kinda forced it on her. haha).
Third, to A-Ham aka Tenth Dollar and Maeron aka the Purp, who were the first to randomly make my day by telling me that they read this hunk of dookie, and moreover, that they enjoyed it.
And lastly, to everybody else who has ever read this and gotten a laugh, or felt the need to comment and make me laugh, or to show how much of an asshole they were (cough), I thank you. You definitely made these past couple years pretty flippin' awesome.
Hopefully, the win will continue over at Tumblr. See you there!
And whatever you do.
Stay classy
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Children's Television Shows Upset Me
Before I start, it's with great sadness that I say that this will be my final Observation here on Blogger. It's been a good two years, but I'm not one to go against progress, so you'll have to go to Tumblr for your Legally Blind Observation fix in the future (this post is also available on Tumblr, of course).
Anyway.
Readership, as you remember, I have a thing about children's television shows, and now I'm back because, once again, I've found something that pisses me off.
First off, the Wiggles. What THE fuck. When my sister was younger, she used to watch it all the time, and I would be forced to sit there and make sure she didn't blow the house up, thus being forced to watch the Wiggles myself.
ALL THEY DO IS SING AND MAKE FRUIT SALAD. That's not only a pointless existence (they don't even eat the fruit salad!), but the strangest combination of activities to make up your occupation that I've ever encountered. I mean I can understand that some jobs have you do some weird shit, but sing as part of a four-man group, and make fruit salad that NOBODY EATS? That's fucking retarded.
As an aside, I think most of my anger stems from the fact that I love fruit salad, and feel as though these strange grown-ass men in purple shirts are disrespecting me and the fruit salad every time they make some and nobody gets to eat it.
I digress.
Secondly, we have Scooby Doo. Now, don't start with that "don't hate on Scooby Doo" shit, because I love Scooby Doo, and I always have, but come the hell on. "Ohhhh noes it's a pirate ghost he's chasing us runnnnn!" Nah, fuck that, BEAT HIS ASS. If you had a single black or Hispanic guy in "the gang," the longest episode of Scooby Doo would've been about five minutes. The ghost or witch or monster or whatever would've shown up and tried to scare everybody away, and the brother/boriquen would've been like "fuck you bitch!" and beat the shit outta him. Then Velma would've come through and unmasked him, and everybody would be confused because nobody would have any clues as to why whoever was under the mask was doing what he was doing, but the brother/boriquen would tell them that it's not our fucking job to investigate crimes, that's what the police are for. They have their suspect, he's caught red-handed in the midst of a crime, throw him in jail and then figure out why he's there (isn't that what police do anyway?). Of course, as a brother/boriquen, he would know that the police rarely do anything correctly (including and especially their jobs), but still, he would know even more that it wasn't his job to do the cops' job, even if the cops weren't doing it.
Lastly, and definitely the one that pisses me off the most, is Dora the Explorer. There's just SO MUCH wrong with the message it's sending to kids. Where the hell are her parents? How the hell do they think it's okay for their 7-year-old daughter to go out on a fucking adventure into the wilderness with a talking monkey and a talking backpack? Kids are highly impressionable these days, and they'll see this shit and think that it's all good to do the same shit, but if they try that, you know for damn sure they're not gonna be met with a LOT worse than a bitchass semi-clepto fox dressed as a bandit.
And speaking of Swiper, what the fuck kind of thief is he? How the hell does "Swiper no swiping!" stop you dead in your tracks? It would be more like:
"Swiper no swiping! Swiper no-"
BAM BAM BAM.
"Swipe muh Glock 9, bitch, that's MY talking backpack."
Stay classy
Anyway.
Readership, as you remember, I have a thing about children's television shows, and now I'm back because, once again, I've found something that pisses me off.
First off, the Wiggles. What THE fuck. When my sister was younger, she used to watch it all the time, and I would be forced to sit there and make sure she didn't blow the house up, thus being forced to watch the Wiggles myself.
ALL THEY DO IS SING AND MAKE FRUIT SALAD. That's not only a pointless existence (they don't even eat the fruit salad!), but the strangest combination of activities to make up your occupation that I've ever encountered. I mean I can understand that some jobs have you do some weird shit, but sing as part of a four-man group, and make fruit salad that NOBODY EATS? That's fucking retarded.
As an aside, I think most of my anger stems from the fact that I love fruit salad, and feel as though these strange grown-ass men in purple shirts are disrespecting me and the fruit salad every time they make some and nobody gets to eat it.
I digress.
Secondly, we have Scooby Doo. Now, don't start with that "don't hate on Scooby Doo" shit, because I love Scooby Doo, and I always have, but come the hell on. "Ohhhh noes it's a pirate ghost he's chasing us runnnnn!" Nah, fuck that, BEAT HIS ASS. If you had a single black or Hispanic guy in "the gang," the longest episode of Scooby Doo would've been about five minutes. The ghost or witch or monster or whatever would've shown up and tried to scare everybody away, and the brother/boriquen would've been like "fuck you bitch!" and beat the shit outta him. Then Velma would've come through and unmasked him, and everybody would be confused because nobody would have any clues as to why whoever was under the mask was doing what he was doing, but the brother/boriquen would tell them that it's not our fucking job to investigate crimes, that's what the police are for. They have their suspect, he's caught red-handed in the midst of a crime, throw him in jail and then figure out why he's there (isn't that what police do anyway?). Of course, as a brother/boriquen, he would know that the police rarely do anything correctly (including and especially their jobs), but still, he would know even more that it wasn't his job to do the cops' job, even if the cops weren't doing it.
Lastly, and definitely the one that pisses me off the most, is Dora the Explorer. There's just SO MUCH wrong with the message it's sending to kids. Where the hell are her parents? How the hell do they think it's okay for their 7-year-old daughter to go out on a fucking adventure into the wilderness with a talking monkey and a talking backpack? Kids are highly impressionable these days, and they'll see this shit and think that it's all good to do the same shit, but if they try that, you know for damn sure they're not gonna be met with a LOT worse than a bitchass semi-clepto fox dressed as a bandit.
And speaking of Swiper, what the fuck kind of thief is he? How the hell does "Swiper no swiping!" stop you dead in your tracks? It would be more like:
"Swiper no swiping! Swiper no-"
BAM BAM BAM.
"Swipe muh Glock 9, bitch, that's MY talking backpack."
Stay classy
Friday, May 7, 2010
Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 9
Once again, before I start this, know that this post is also available in its entirety on Tumblr. There will be only one more post after this one made here on Blogger, before the switch is made permanently to Tumblr, so make sure you migrate on over there if you want your Legally Blind Observations fix!
Anyway.
Readership, I'm gonna level with you. This past week or so has been so obscenely and ridiculously full of absolutely undiluted pure win that I really haven't had much to bitch about. As such, this is going to be the first time I've gone back-to-back with "Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?" and only the second time I've ever gone back-to-back with any "feature" (the other time was here and here, with back-to-back "Blame X for Y" posts).
Now, to the Observation.
First off, we have a favorite question asked around exam time in high schools and colleges nationwide.
"How many questions are on the test?"
What the hell does that matter? Are you OCD, and unable to take a test with an odd number of questions? The number of questions is entirely irrelevant; aren't you going to take the test no matter how many questions there are? If the professor says there are 29823729401 questions, if it's a final, and you give a shit about your grades, you know damn well you're gonna take the test. You might bitch and moan about it the whole time (shit, I know I would - that's almost 30 billion questions!), but you would definitely take that test, and three days later (when you actually finished it), you'd think you were the shit. Don't even lie.
Secondly, something said during most emergency situations, or drills for emergency situations: "Please move calmly in a single-file line towards the exit."
NAH BITCH GET THE FUCK OUT MUH WAY I'M 'BOUT TO DIE!
Seriously though, how the hell are you gonna tell me to move calmly away from that RAGING CONFLAGRATION behind us? I understand that losing your head in an emergency is what gets you and people you care about hurt or killed unnecessarily, but still. When there's some terrible shit going down around me - fire, explosions, gunshots, etc. - the LAST thing on my mind is being calm. I want to get the FUCK OUTTA THERE. I'll be calm when I'm several miles away and the probability that I'll die off some dumb shit is a little diminished.
Lastly, the action of making your bed. While it's "technically" not something you say, it's still fucking ridiculous. I mean, look at it logically. What's going to happen to your bed the next time you use it? Depending on how old you are and what your housing situation is, you're either gonna sleep in it or screw in it, and unless you're a quadriplegic, doing either is gonna un-make your bed. So what the fuck.
Stay classy
Anyway.
Readership, I'm gonna level with you. This past week or so has been so obscenely and ridiculously full of absolutely undiluted pure win that I really haven't had much to bitch about. As such, this is going to be the first time I've gone back-to-back with "Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?" and only the second time I've ever gone back-to-back with any "feature" (the other time was here and here, with back-to-back "Blame X for Y" posts).
Now, to the Observation.
First off, we have a favorite question asked around exam time in high schools and colleges nationwide.
"How many questions are on the test?"
What the hell does that matter? Are you OCD, and unable to take a test with an odd number of questions? The number of questions is entirely irrelevant; aren't you going to take the test no matter how many questions there are? If the professor says there are 29823729401 questions, if it's a final, and you give a shit about your grades, you know damn well you're gonna take the test. You might bitch and moan about it the whole time (shit, I know I would - that's almost 30 billion questions!), but you would definitely take that test, and three days later (when you actually finished it), you'd think you were the shit. Don't even lie.
Secondly, something said during most emergency situations, or drills for emergency situations: "Please move calmly in a single-file line towards the exit."
NAH BITCH GET THE FUCK OUT MUH WAY I'M 'BOUT TO DIE!
Seriously though, how the hell are you gonna tell me to move calmly away from that RAGING CONFLAGRATION behind us? I understand that losing your head in an emergency is what gets you and people you care about hurt or killed unnecessarily, but still. When there's some terrible shit going down around me - fire, explosions, gunshots, etc. - the LAST thing on my mind is being calm. I want to get the FUCK OUTTA THERE. I'll be calm when I'm several miles away and the probability that I'll die off some dumb shit is a little diminished.
Lastly, the action of making your bed. While it's "technically" not something you say, it's still fucking ridiculous. I mean, look at it logically. What's going to happen to your bed the next time you use it? Depending on how old you are and what your housing situation is, you're either gonna sleep in it or screw in it, and unless you're a quadriplegic, doing either is gonna un-make your bed. So what the fuck.
Stay classy
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