Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 8

Readership, I'm no longer surprised that I continue to find stupid shit people say. So I'm gonna skip the "can you believe it?" and get right to the nitty-gritty. Also, as an aside, this post will also be available in its entirety on Tumblr.

First off, we have something courtesy of Hannah aka H-Rose (who, bless her, seems to deal with a bunch of morons, because she's had a hand in the last two or three iterations of this segment. that's true classiness right there). Let's look at a sample conversation to illustrate this.

Student: Professor, how do you spell the musical term, "ritornello?"
MUSIC PROFESSOR: Look it up.

What the hell? "Look it up"? I don't give a shit about the definition, I just want to know how to spell it, dick. And you, being a MUSIC professor, should know how to spell it. Now, if YOU don't know how to spell it, that's a different story, but even if that's the case, man the fuck up and tell me so we can look it up together and learn something and further our intelligence and shit. Don't be a bitch about it.

Secondly, we have the phrase "fresh-picked." People see "fresh-picked" on advertisements for fruits and vegetables and immediately think "wow, this must be some good shit!"

WRONG. "Fresh-picked" has absolutely nothing to do with freshness of the actual fruit or vegetable. For example, say I'm a farmer. I have a grove of the absolute nastiest apples you've ever seen in your life. I can go through my grove and find the single nastiest apple that the Earth has ever bore. It'll be a Red Delicious, but it will be blue. There will be holes all over it, a coddling moth caterpillar would've done this to it on the inside (and yes, I actually bit into that apple), and I would've sprayed it with so many pesticides that I need a Hazmat suit before I can even get within ten feet of it. But after I get my Hazmat suit on, I could go up to it and pick it right off the tree and hand it to you, and guess what? That apple, as nasty as it is, would still be "fresh-picked." And you, good sir/madam, would be shit outta luck.

Lastly, we have the excuse of "thinking out loud."

Bob: Man, I gotta get that .44 magnum . . . and the sleeping pills. How am I gonna distract Tim so I can put it in his beer and shoot him . . . hmmm . . .
Tim: Uhh, what the fuck?
Bob: Oh! Sorry bro I'm just thinking out loud. Haha.

The fuck? I have several problems with "thinking out loud." First of all, I call bullshit. You're not thinking out loud, you're talking to yourself, you got caught, and now you're making up some bullshit excuse so that whoever caught you doesn't think you're nuttier than squirrel shit. Secondly, why the hell would you think out loud? Your mind (aka where us normal folks do most of our thinking), is a limitless place, where all five senses can be experienced simultaneously. Why would you leave this PERFECT thinking place, where anything you can imagine can be played out in a zillion ways, to narrow your thinking to only words and sound? Are you a retard?

The last time I used "thinking out loud" as an excuse, I almost got my ass beat. My mom was pissing me off when I was around nine years old, and under my breath I said "shut the hell up bitch." She heard me, and I told her I was just thinking out loud. As she started chasing me, I told her that it was an Eminem lyric, which she almost believed, then remembered that I didn't listen to Eminem, and chased me around the house and out into the street.

Thank God I've got Kenyan speed, or else I wouldn't be here today.

But yeah. People say some stupid shit.

Stay classy

I'm Gonna Take a Tumbl...r

Readership, progress is a beautiful thing, and I'm not one to shit on beautiful things, so I have a bit of news. Starting with the next post (a rousing investigation into our favorite paradoxical question of "Why do you say such stupid shit?"), Legally Blind Observations will be posted both here on Blogger and over at Tumblr. This will continue for a few posts, and then the switch will be made completely and permanently to Tumblr.

Why the change? Nothing against Blogger at all. Blogger has served me quite faithfully these past couple of years. However, Tumblr attracts a lot more readers than Blogger does, and everybody and their mother seems to have a Tumblr. Just like the decision I made when I realized that everybody and their mother had a Twitter (a decision which went against a moral stance I'd taken previously), I'm realizing that it's time to embrace this next big thing and make the move to Tumblr.

So once again, the short version. Legally Blind Observations will be posted simultaneously on Blogger and Tumblr for the next three posts, and upon the fourth, EXCLUSIVELY at Tumblr. I will post a link in the final post here (which by my calculations will be post #197) to the Tumblr blog, and a link back here on the Tumblr blog.

Stay classy

Ford's Swap Your Ride - Could it be? Yes, ANOTHER WTF?

Readership, I've been watching a bit more television these days, and I've stumbled upon a new batch of car commercials. Ford has started this sales event, wherein they go to a random-ass person who drives something other than a Ford, and swap that person's vehicle for the closest Ford equivalent. For example, if the person is driving a Chevy Cobalt, they'll switch it for the Ford Fusion, etc. The kicker? The person who's getting their car swapped out doesn't know about it; nor do they give their consent.

Ford Swap Your Ride? Nah bitch, more like Ford SWIPE Your Ride. Where I'm from, that shit would get you shot or arrested, depending on whether you got caught by the car's owner or the cops.

I digress.

In the commercials, every one is all "heyyy we swapped your ride out for a Ford yayyy" and then the person who owned the non-Ford is all "oh my goshhhh you guysss okayyy I'll drive it" etc. etc. And then Mike Rowe (that old guy from "Dirty Jobs" on Discovery Channel) tells them all this sales pitch bullshit about the Ford they're driving, and then at the end they're all sold about getting rid of their non-Ford to get a Ford.

First of all, I'm calling bullshit. If, after driving a Ford, I was sooo impressed that I wanted to get rid of my non-Ford and then buy a Ford, I would first have to sell my non-Ford. I dunno about you, Readership, but my dad's been trying to sell his 1981 Corvette for about two years now. Maybe more. In this recession, it's almost impossible to sell a car because nobody wants to buy one because nobody has any money. Also, how the hell am I gonna be able to sell my non-Ford when everybody's seen these commercials detailing how fucking awesome Fords are and how shitty non-Fords are? Who wants a shitty non-Ford?

Secondly, what the fuck? I hope, that if/when I get a car and if it's not a Ford (which it probably won't be, because my family has owned two Fords and they both blew major donkey balls), that my friends are smart enough to know that randomly swapping my car out for a Ford without my consent will piss me right the fuck off. It's MY SHIT. What gives anybody the idea that basically stealing someone's car to make a point is okay?

The fact that it's stealing aside, people put some very sensitive shit in their car sometimes. The heavier you are into, shall we say, shady dealings, the more this would piss you off, and/or call for idiots getting fitted for cement shoes.

"Hey Carlito! We swapped out your Mercedes CLK for a Ford Fusion! Mira, it's Mike Rowe!"
"WHAT THE FUCK? Venga, Paco - GET THAT FUCKING CAMERA OUTTA HERE! Paco, where's my car?"
"N-no se man, calmate, what's wrong?"
"Puto, there's six kilos of coke in the running boards and taped under the seats, and I was supposed to deliver the car in twenty minutes. We're fucking DEAD, CULO!"

Or something to that degree.

Bottom line, just because you have a camera crew and a quote-unquote "celebrity," does NOT mean that if you steal my car - steal my car, moreover, to replace it with a piece of ABSOLUTE SHIT - you won't get your ass kicked. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: I'm not afraid to beat an old man's ass in public.

Bring it on Mike Rowe. Old ass bitch.

As for you, Readership. You know what to do already.

Stay classy

Racism

Readership, if you'll recall, I'm very serious about equal rights. This is no joke. Racism, segregation, and the lack of diversity in America are still things that people think are all gone. If you think that this is true, you're still wrong.

Racism is alive and well in America. It pulses with every step of the KKK and every dribble of the basketball in this asshole's basketball league. There is not a single man, woman, or child who knows what racism is, that hasn't had a racist thought. I've had a racist thought. You've had a racist thought. Your momma's had a racist thought. Everybody has.

But this post isn't about the KKK. It isn't about that asshole or his whites-only basketball league (or the hilarious media coverage that he got). It isn't about your momma being a big, nasty, filthy racist.

The racism to which I'm referring is this:
Why is it, that when it comes to the new KFC Doubledown Sandwich, a sandwich made almost entirely of fried chicken, ALL THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE COMMERCIALS ARE BLACK!?

Stay classy

For the Ladies

Readership, maybe it's the smell of spring in the air, but I've been noticing a marked increase in what I'd like to call "Oblivious Romantic Attachment." Since today is Opening Day for the New York Yankees, and I'm watching the game now, I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Peep it.

Ladies. If you have a male best friend, who is always down to chill, always there when you want to vent about some asshole, always down to beat the absolute shit out of a random stranger just because he looks at you funny, always okay with buying you stuff and taking you places, etc. etc., if he's not gay, he's totally and completely crazy about you.

Now, with this new-found knowledge, don't just drop it all on him - don't be like "so are you crazy about me?" Because 99% of the time he'll deny it flatly and lie right to your face. You ladies are crafty - feminine wiles and all that shit - so use some of that to see how he really feels, and if you feel the same way, let him know. There's always the chance that he's just a REALLY good guy friend and has nothing but friendly feelings towards you. But it wouldn't kill you to use all your feminine wiles and shit to figure it out. Just to be sure.

Because I've been there, and let me tell you, it's hard to dry the tears off my shoulder after some guy was a dick, and to listen to the whole "I can't find any good guys" speech, and the whole "I want my husband to be my best friend" speech, while all the while I'm standing right there, fulfilling every requirement for her "perfect man" or whatever, and still shit out of luck.

No, this isn't happening currently. I'm happily single. But it's happened before, and I'm trying to prevent it from happening any more. Baby steps.

Stay classy

Real Men Wear Pink?

Readership, this whole "real men wear pink" movement has finally gotten to the top of the "PISSIN' ME OFF!" pile, and now I have to address it.

Pink has been, is, and always will be a girl's color. My generation learned this through watching Power Rangers. There was never, is not currently, and never will be, a male Pink Ranger. Recently, they tried a season where they made the Yellow Ranger a dude and the Blue Ranger a chick.

That shit didn't last long.

But back on topic.

The whole argument for the "real men wear pink" thing is pretty damn asinine. Basically, these fools believe that a "real man" wears pink because a "real man" is manly enough and secure enough to do so. From a psychological and self-esteem view, they might have a point - but even if they do, it's flimsy bullshit at best.

On top of that, I have several facts that shoot their "real men wear pink" bullshit dogma down to shit. And I'll list them below, just cuz I know you're lookin' to read 'em.

First of all, we look to modern-day advertising campaigns. There are a lot of quote-unquote "manly" things that we see advertised on television. For example, pickup trucks, grills, and professional sports teams and their related indicia (apparel, stationary, etc.). Yet, in the advertising campaigns for these products that are widely recognized as "manly," there's a very curious lack of anything pink.

I've never seen a guy wearing anything pink in one of those hard-fucking-core, drop-two-tons-of-cinder-blocks-into-muh-pickup-so-it-kinda-bounces-and-dust-goes-flying-but-I-don't-care-cuz-I'm-a-manly-man pickup truck commercials, and I don't think I've ever seen a pink pickup truck at ALL, be it on TV, in a movie, or in real life. Shit, I don't even think I've ever seen a pink pickup truck in a comicbook or a cartoon. In the two places where there are NO RULES, there are STILL no pink pickup trucks.

Also, when's the last time you saw a pink grill? The only thing pink that EVER touches a man's grill is raw meat. And it doesn't stay pink for long. Because it gets grilled to perfection - if he's a real man.

Ditto for pink in professional sports. The only time you see pink clothing on a professional sports player is when they're playing the game for Breast Cancer, which is the only time a real man should be wearing pink. I hear all you "real men wear pink" dickheads screaming from deep something about pink baseball caps, and I tell you in reply, "shut up, they were made for chicks." And they were, so shut up.

If you don't get the significance of the fact that advertisement campaigns for manly shit NEVER include pink, for one, you're a loon, and for another, I'll have to explain. The SINGLE GOAL of advertisement is for you to buy whatever's being advertised. If you see an ad and buy the product, they've succeeded. If you see an ad and keep on walking, they've failed. Thus, logically they structure their ads to maximize effectiveness, and target their market accordingly.

If you're still not getting it, let me lay it out flat for you: knowing that they're selling manly things to real men, and knowing that they have to maximize their effectiveness with that target market, advertising departments DELIBERATELY LEAVE OUT PINK. Know why?

BECAUSE REAL MEN DON'T WEAR PINK.

Still not convinced? Then you're an idiot, but I'll give you irrefutable proof right now. If you don't believe that real men DON'T wear pink after this next bit, that means a) you're not a real man and b) you're wearing pink for some other reason that I'll leave to you and your psychologist to uncover.

Let's make a list of the top five manliest men. Obviously, this list would vary depending on who you asked, but we'll just assume (for argument's sake) that my list is representative of what the average man would list as his manliest men (as statistics slowly creeps into my non-academic life...).

Anyway, top five manliest men, in no particular order (besides the first one, obviously):
1. Chuck Norris
2. Clint Eastwood
3. Andrew Jackson
4. Sean Connery
5. Grigori Rasputin

If you "real men" in your pink shirts would take a gander, you'd notice two things that each of those five men have in common.

First off, they're INFINITELY manlier than you are, and infinitely to INFINITY manlier than you'll EVER be.

AND SECONDLY, THEY'RE NOT WEARING PINK!

Stay classy

Arbitrary Value

Readership, I noticed something that bothered me slightly today. There are a lot of things that have value, most of which are sold (like products and services). Most of them have clear values, usually based on the costs incurred during the process of manufacturing the products (materials, utilities at the manufacturing plant, salaries, etc.), or the manufacturing processes of making the products that are used in the service provided, as well as labor, etc.

However, there are some things for which there are simply no empirically identifiable values. For example, in those commercials for eHarmony, they say that they'll give you their Personality Profile for free, and stress the fact that it's a $40 value, and that you're getting for free.

I would really like to know how they came to that value. What were your calculations? Dr. Neil Clark Warren has been a Christian Life Counselor for like 30 something years, so are you paying for his experience? That's ridiculous (obviously).

But let's just say, for the sake of an argument, that you actually ARE paying for his 30 something years of experience. Thus, I would have to ask, a) how do you put a value on experience, and b) how the HELL are THIRTY-PLUS YEARS' EXPERIENCE worth only $40?

RIDDLE ME THAT BITCHES!

And whatever you do

Stay classy

College Apparel

Readership, as I ate my delicious sammich today at lunch, I realized something about college apparel. And then, in an amazing attack of serendipity, I realized something ELSE about college apparel. I was so excited, I had to tell you!

My first realization was centered around the fact that people have this strange habit of wearing college apparel from colleges that they've never attended (even while currently attending a different college). I just don't get it.

Now, it's far from me to tell anybody what to wear or anything like that, and please don't take what I'm about to say as me doing so, but when it comes to this sort of thing, the litmus test (for me, anyway) is a little something I like to call the "ridiculous answer" test. To clarify, that means that if someone were to ask you a question regarding the college apparel you were wearing (for example, "Oh, nice sweater. You go to Yale?"), and your only TRUTHFUL answer (and that's important!) would be some variation of "no" followed by something ridiculous (for example, "Nope, I take online courses at the University of Phoenix. I just like the colors. Matches my Best Buy uniform.") then you SHOULD NOT BE WEARING THAT COLLEGE APPAREL.

In my mind, there are only four scenarios where it would be okay for you to wear college apparel for a college that you don't attend. One, if your parent(s) and/or sibling(s) currently attend or used to attend that school, it's cool to wear that school's shit. Two, if this school is in some sort of college sports competition (including but not limited to the NCAA basketball tournament) - AND IS NOT AGAINST YOUR ACTUAL COLLEGE OF RESIDENCE - it's cool to wear their shit to show support as a fan. Three, if the apparel in question was free. However, I would still (personally) frown upon the wearing of said apparel in public, and would probably ask you "wtf," but if you told me it was free I'd probably be like "oh okay." Four, if you're in high school and have yet to receive acceptance and rejection letters from prospective colleges, you can wear whatever college shit you want. I think you'd look like an idiot, but technically since you could end up at any one of them, it'd be legit on paper.

Otherwise, what the fuck.

Whew.

Secondly, I realized that the whole point of wearing college apparel for your own college is the fact that you have pride in your school. Quick disclaimer: I know that a college education, no matter what institution it's from, is miles better than a high school diploma or GED equivalent, and that the people who graduate from community college or online colleges aren't any less accomplished or intelligent than people who graduate from Yale and Harvard. I'm pretty sure my mom graduated from a community college for her undergrad shit, and she's a fucking genius.

That said, let's face it, there are some schools that you should not have pride in attending. These include, but are not limited to, Stone Academy, the Sawyer School, ITT Tech, and any and all online-only universities. Wearing a DeVry University sweatshirt in public equates to you saying something along the lines of "Look at me, I got into DeVry!"

Must've been really hard for you, huh? All you had to do was open the fuckin' door.

Stay classy