Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 8

Readership, I'm no longer surprised that I continue to find stupid shit people say. So I'm gonna skip the "can you believe it?" and get right to the nitty-gritty. Also, as an aside, this post will also be available in its entirety on Tumblr.

First off, we have something courtesy of Hannah aka H-Rose (who, bless her, seems to deal with a bunch of morons, because she's had a hand in the last two or three iterations of this segment. that's true classiness right there). Let's look at a sample conversation to illustrate this.

Student: Professor, how do you spell the musical term, "ritornello?"
MUSIC PROFESSOR: Look it up.

What the hell? "Look it up"? I don't give a shit about the definition, I just want to know how to spell it, dick. And you, being a MUSIC professor, should know how to spell it. Now, if YOU don't know how to spell it, that's a different story, but even if that's the case, man the fuck up and tell me so we can look it up together and learn something and further our intelligence and shit. Don't be a bitch about it.

Secondly, we have the phrase "fresh-picked." People see "fresh-picked" on advertisements for fruits and vegetables and immediately think "wow, this must be some good shit!"

WRONG. "Fresh-picked" has absolutely nothing to do with freshness of the actual fruit or vegetable. For example, say I'm a farmer. I have a grove of the absolute nastiest apples you've ever seen in your life. I can go through my grove and find the single nastiest apple that the Earth has ever bore. It'll be a Red Delicious, but it will be blue. There will be holes all over it, a coddling moth caterpillar would've done this to it on the inside (and yes, I actually bit into that apple), and I would've sprayed it with so many pesticides that I need a Hazmat suit before I can even get within ten feet of it. But after I get my Hazmat suit on, I could go up to it and pick it right off the tree and hand it to you, and guess what? That apple, as nasty as it is, would still be "fresh-picked." And you, good sir/madam, would be shit outta luck.

Lastly, we have the excuse of "thinking out loud."

Bob: Man, I gotta get that .44 magnum . . . and the sleeping pills. How am I gonna distract Tim so I can put it in his beer and shoot him . . . hmmm . . .
Tim: Uhh, what the fuck?
Bob: Oh! Sorry bro I'm just thinking out loud. Haha.

The fuck? I have several problems with "thinking out loud." First of all, I call bullshit. You're not thinking out loud, you're talking to yourself, you got caught, and now you're making up some bullshit excuse so that whoever caught you doesn't think you're nuttier than squirrel shit. Secondly, why the hell would you think out loud? Your mind (aka where us normal folks do most of our thinking), is a limitless place, where all five senses can be experienced simultaneously. Why would you leave this PERFECT thinking place, where anything you can imagine can be played out in a zillion ways, to narrow your thinking to only words and sound? Are you a retard?

The last time I used "thinking out loud" as an excuse, I almost got my ass beat. My mom was pissing me off when I was around nine years old, and under my breath I said "shut the hell up bitch." She heard me, and I told her I was just thinking out loud. As she started chasing me, I told her that it was an Eminem lyric, which she almost believed, then remembered that I didn't listen to Eminem, and chased me around the house and out into the street.

Thank God I've got Kenyan speed, or else I wouldn't be here today.

But yeah. People say some stupid shit.

Stay classy