Readership, you already know what happened. Once again, I've stumbled on some key phrases that have pissed me RIGHT the hell off. Let's cut to the chase.
There are many variations for the phrase you're supposed to employ after someone thanks you for something. There's always the classic "you're welcome," and then a myriad of other choices, such as "no problem," and "it was my pleasure." But then you have "don't mention it." There's just something about "don't mention it" that pisses me off. I think it's the fact that it's used SO DAMN MUCH, when, as I see it, there are really only a few certain situations where it would be applicable.
People will say "don't mention it" when you thank them for stupid shit, like "hey man, thanks for telling me there was a test tomorrow, I'll be able to study tonight," or "thanks for bringing my mail in with yours." Why the hell wouldn't you want someone to mention the fact that you did that? Are you some sort of Mad Max superbadass who couldn't bear to have the public know that you did one decent thing in your life?
I mean, the way I see it, the only types of shit that should be met with "don't mention it" is some shit that REALLY SHOULDN'T BE MENTIONED. If someone says to you, "hey, thanks for killing my husband, now we can elope in Aruba," or "thanks for paying off that Customs Agent so we could move our cocaine into the country safely," THEN you can say "don't mention it." Otherwise, chill the fuck out with that.
Secondly, the classic phrase "long story short." When the HELL has the story to follow that phrase been short? And the fucked up part is that usually, after you've sat and listened to this EPIC FUCKING POEM of a story for the last hour and a half, you come to the realization that it actually COULD'VE been told in a much shorter version - so the asshole might as well have started the whole conversation with "short story long."
Lastly, this is one that kills me. Let me set up the scenario.
You're asleep. You're dreaming about something pleasant, but then your dream is interrupted by a sort of buzzing noise. It's rhythmic and in perfect cadence. Finally, you wake up, still groggy and for a second you have no fucking clue who you are or what planet you're on, but the buzzing is louder than ever. You see something buzzing and skidding around on your desk with a bright light on it, and instinctively grab it before realizing it's your phone, ringing. You put it up to your ear and the conversation goes a little something like this:
You- "....hello..ughhh..."
Person- "Hey.... uh, were you sleeping?"
You- "...yeah.."
Person- "Ohhh I'm sorry! I'll call you back."
"NO FUCKER YOU WOKE ME UP YOU BETTER MAKE THIS SHIT INTERESTING!"
That's what you think, but you're too nice to say that, so instead you say:
You- "...nah, it's okay, it's cool... what's up?"
Person- "No, no, it's nothing, I'll call you later, it's not important."
WHAT THE FUCK YOU WOKE ME UP FOR SOME UNIMPORTANT SHIT?
At this point, you've got my permission to say that.
God I love people.
Stay classy
Monday, February 22, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
CD Compilations
Readership, there are many, many things in this wide, wide world that make absolutely NO sense. From bottled water to white people on Fringe, there are many things that are just ridiculous. Recently, however, something else has smacked me in the face with the illogical and pointless nature of its existence.
If you keep the TV on long enough, you're bound to see a commercial for a CD compilation. Some examples include "Buzz Balads," "the Edge," and "Now That's What I Call Music Volume 1232139873242398472" (or whatever number they're up to now), but I'm sure you could find more if you took the time to search.
The deal with these TV CD compilations goes a little something like this: first you have a Star Wars-esque rising text with every song that's on the compilation and who it's by, with the songs in yellow text being played - video included - on the commercial, while some guy tells you how fuckin' awesome this compilation is. Then you see that it's $19.95 plus shipping and handling.
A retard would jump on that shit super quick - $22 or so for a bunch of songs from albums that are out of print and/or would cost like $20 each anyway is a steal, right?
Wrong.
First off, if you're an old guy (the target demographic for the rock CD compilations, I think), you probably have all the albums that these songs are yoinked from. There's this wonderful thing called the CD burner, which works by putting songs on your computer, and then burning them onto a CD, to make a custom compilation. In fact, that's actually what the assholes selling the CD compilations on TV are doing, believe it or not.
And if you don't have the albums, there's this other wonderful thing called Limewire that will get them for you.
Dumbass.
Stay classy
If you keep the TV on long enough, you're bound to see a commercial for a CD compilation. Some examples include "Buzz Balads," "the Edge," and "Now That's What I Call Music Volume 1232139873242398472" (or whatever number they're up to now), but I'm sure you could find more if you took the time to search.
The deal with these TV CD compilations goes a little something like this: first you have a Star Wars-esque rising text with every song that's on the compilation and who it's by, with the songs in yellow text being played - video included - on the commercial, while some guy tells you how fuckin' awesome this compilation is. Then you see that it's $19.95 plus shipping and handling.
A retard would jump on that shit super quick - $22 or so for a bunch of songs from albums that are out of print and/or would cost like $20 each anyway is a steal, right?
Wrong.
First off, if you're an old guy (the target demographic for the rock CD compilations, I think), you probably have all the albums that these songs are yoinked from. There's this wonderful thing called the CD burner, which works by putting songs on your computer, and then burning them onto a CD, to make a custom compilation. In fact, that's actually what the assholes selling the CD compilations on TV are doing, believe it or not.
And if you don't have the albums, there's this other wonderful thing called Limewire that will get them for you.
Dumbass.
Stay classy
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Men
Readership, I recently saw something that upset me greatly. I'll reproduce it for you below.
"Male: the cause of global warming and everything else bad that happens on earth; A walking idiot with a penis - true. but that is only the begining of their definition. assholes. God had to be a man because only a man would create more retards of the same kind. If God was a woman, we wouldn't have men walking this Earth. i stopped believing that there are decent guys out there just because there isnt. read my definition. men are the cause for global warming. you ask why? that makes no sense. okay look at it this way.what is global warming caused by? garbage. EXACTLY why men cause it. MEN are GARBAGE. end of story."
I'll withold the name, because I'm a nice guy (despite what this person believes about nice guys no longer existing).
As you should know, Waldy and I have predicted the Fall of Man will come upon us by the hand of Vagina. You might see that and think "well shit, looks like this person might have a point, asshole."
And you'd be wrong.
While men might be assholes - while MOST men might be assholes - MOST of them didn't start that way. Men can take a lot of abuse (how do you think we survived the stone age? men had to kill sabretoothed tigers and shit to feed the family), but constant abuse from women (I'm talking emotional . . . for the most part) is what breaks a man. I'm not saying all women are bitches, just like I'm not saying all men are assholes. It's like everything else. There are nice women, and nice men, and there are bitches, and there are assholes.
Not to toot my own horn, but I consider myself a very nice guy. I hold the door open for women (regardless of attractiveness), I don't lie to girlfriends, I don't cheat, and I've never had a girl for a one night stand. What has that gotten me?
My girlfriend junior year of high school told me we were going on a "break" and made it abundantly clear that we were going to get back together at some point in the near future, when knowing full well she had no intentions of doing so. My girlfriend senior year cheated on me repeatedly with a mutual friend and lied to me about it. After visiting my first girlfriend freshman year of college in her home state for New Years at her request (and because I wanted to be with her), we got back and she professed she had feelings for a mutual friend, for whom she left me. The aftermath of that was pretty ugly. After breaking up with my girlfriend sophomore year of college - something I did, mind you, because I saw how unfair it was for her being in a relationship where she wasn't getting nearly as much back as she was putting in - some really terrible shit went down, and my life was literally almost pulled out from under my feet, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Let me stop right here for a moment and say this, and know that I mean it: Every situation I just mentioned has been resolved. I'm cool with every girl I just mentioned, or at least I'd like to think so. I can text/AIM/whatever every one of those girls and it would be okay. Sparks wouldn't fly. I had sushi with the second girl I mentioned before I got back to school, I have a class this semester with the third girl I mentioned (a class which sucks major dick, by the way), and while I'll admit I don't talk to the last girl I mentioned very much, it's not because I don't like her or I think she hates me or anything.
The point is, after ALL THAT, I'm still the same good guy. Much to the surprise of many of my friends, who have seen me unhappy and crushed because of a girl and been upset by it, I'm still the same good guy. I still don't cheat. I still hold doors open for women. I still respect women.
But that's me. And a few other guys. Not everybody can take the shit and walk away with a smile, and THAT'S where the assholes come in. I'm not saying that there aren't some guys who were just BORN assholes, because there are. I'm just saying that not every one of us is an asshole, and that while it's not an excuse for assholery, most of the assholes were made that way by girls. You girls have much more of an effect than you could possibly ever know. That's why, sadly regardless of whatever efforts Waldy and I can muster, you and yours will one day take over the world.
But yeah.
Just had to get that off my chest.
Stay classy
"Male: the cause of global warming and everything else bad that happens on earth; A walking idiot with a penis - true. but that is only the begining of their definition. assholes. God had to be a man because only a man would create more retards of the same kind. If God was a woman, we wouldn't have men walking this Earth. i stopped believing that there are decent guys out there just because there isnt. read my definition. men are the cause for global warming. you ask why? that makes no sense. okay look at it this way.what is global warming caused by? garbage. EXACTLY why men cause it. MEN are GARBAGE. end of story."
I'll withold the name, because I'm a nice guy (despite what this person believes about nice guys no longer existing).
As you should know, Waldy and I have predicted the Fall of Man will come upon us by the hand of Vagina. You might see that and think "well shit, looks like this person might have a point, asshole."
And you'd be wrong.
While men might be assholes - while MOST men might be assholes - MOST of them didn't start that way. Men can take a lot of abuse (how do you think we survived the stone age? men had to kill sabretoothed tigers and shit to feed the family), but constant abuse from women (I'm talking emotional . . . for the most part) is what breaks a man. I'm not saying all women are bitches, just like I'm not saying all men are assholes. It's like everything else. There are nice women, and nice men, and there are bitches, and there are assholes.
Not to toot my own horn, but I consider myself a very nice guy. I hold the door open for women (regardless of attractiveness), I don't lie to girlfriends, I don't cheat, and I've never had a girl for a one night stand. What has that gotten me?
My girlfriend junior year of high school told me we were going on a "break" and made it abundantly clear that we were going to get back together at some point in the near future, when knowing full well she had no intentions of doing so. My girlfriend senior year cheated on me repeatedly with a mutual friend and lied to me about it. After visiting my first girlfriend freshman year of college in her home state for New Years at her request (and because I wanted to be with her), we got back and she professed she had feelings for a mutual friend, for whom she left me. The aftermath of that was pretty ugly. After breaking up with my girlfriend sophomore year of college - something I did, mind you, because I saw how unfair it was for her being in a relationship where she wasn't getting nearly as much back as she was putting in - some really terrible shit went down, and my life was literally almost pulled out from under my feet, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Let me stop right here for a moment and say this, and know that I mean it: Every situation I just mentioned has been resolved. I'm cool with every girl I just mentioned, or at least I'd like to think so. I can text/AIM/whatever every one of those girls and it would be okay. Sparks wouldn't fly. I had sushi with the second girl I mentioned before I got back to school, I have a class this semester with the third girl I mentioned (a class which sucks major dick, by the way), and while I'll admit I don't talk to the last girl I mentioned very much, it's not because I don't like her or I think she hates me or anything.
The point is, after ALL THAT, I'm still the same good guy. Much to the surprise of many of my friends, who have seen me unhappy and crushed because of a girl and been upset by it, I'm still the same good guy. I still don't cheat. I still hold doors open for women. I still respect women.
But that's me. And a few other guys. Not everybody can take the shit and walk away with a smile, and THAT'S where the assholes come in. I'm not saying that there aren't some guys who were just BORN assholes, because there are. I'm just saying that not every one of us is an asshole, and that while it's not an excuse for assholery, most of the assholes were made that way by girls. You girls have much more of an effect than you could possibly ever know. That's why, sadly regardless of whatever efforts Waldy and I can muster, you and yours will one day take over the world.
But yeah.
Just had to get that off my chest.
Stay classy
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A Quick Announcement
Readership, I've always considered myself a man of the people, and I
get a happy feeling every time someone that I don't know personally
takes the time to come by, read, and comment on something I've
written. I even like the ones that disagree. Honest.
get a happy feeling every time someone that I don't know personally
takes the time to come by, read, and comment on something I've
written. I even like the ones that disagree. Honest.
In the spirit of encouraging more interaction between myself and the
people I'm hopefully entertaining (that'd be you lovely people), I
offer this. Ask me any question you like. You can ask totally anonymously, or leave your name (or some pseudonym that only you and I would understand). I answer every single question I receive, and I answer them all 100% honestly.
Sound like something you'd be down for? Then head on over to
Formspring and ask away.
And whatever you do.
Stay classy
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Stupid Commercials!
Readership, Waldy's Xbox has been bleeding quite profusely from its proverbial vagina these past few days, which has severely limited my ability to play Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto. Thus, I've been watching much more television than I was at this time last semester - or, indeed, at any other point in my college career.
Of course, with the increase in viewing hours of television, there comes an increase in the amount of commercials I see. And this means, as you well know from such Observations as this, this and this, that I've once again found a couple commercials that put me right on the train to Pissed the Fuck Off-ville.
First off, there's this one.
"Oh . . . not tonight sweetie, you've had Chef every night this week."
What the hell kind of mother serves her kid Chef Boyardee for dinner EVERY NIGHT? I assume that it's at least Wednesday (otherwise the mother would've said something along the lines of "you had Chef last night" if it was only Tuesday), so for at least two days this kid has eaten Chef Boyardee for dinner. I mean, the stuff is good, but it's not "eat it and only it" good.
Secondly, what the fuck is up with the kid? A can of Chef Boyardee - a can, moreover, that you held in your own hands in the store that is AT LEAST five miles away - just happens to roll through your doggie door and into your lap, and you just pick it up and SMILE? If that shit happened to me, I'd be like "WHOA WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DID THIS CAN COME FROM HOW'D IT GET HERE NINJAS COMMUNISTS WHAT'S GOING ON!?" The can is freakin' possessed - that's some shit straight out of a Steven King novel, and thus some shit that I just can't get down with.
Whew.
Secondly, EVERY commercial about saving abused animals and shit.
NOW LISTEN!
I love animals. All jokes aside, as soon as I have my own place, I'm getting a kitten and naming him Nigel. I've grown up around dogs and cats and parrots and shit. I genuinely love animals.
But to be perfectly honest, with the number of people that are homeless in America, or starving, and the children dying from easily-curable diseases and shit abroad - HUMAN BEINGS in need - I could give a fuck about these animals.
It's not because I'm heartless. Every time I see the commercial with the little kitten pawing at the camera with its big eyes I feel a little sad. But then I realize that there are other PEOPLE in far worse situations than the cat, and I get angry. Call me crazy (just don't call me Shirley), but I feel like we should be helping our fellow man before our fellow man's best friend.
Lastly, there's this bullshit. This commercial pisses me off for two reasons. One, the whole "Swine Flu" thing pisses me off, because of the vehement debates on either side of the issue. One side is all "HOLY FUCK WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE FROM SWINE FLU ZOMG WHATEVER WILL WE DO?" and the other side is all "you guys are retarded." And it pisses me off. I mean, the flu is serious. It DOES kill people every year. While the Swine Flu hasn't killed nearly as many people as the "regular flu," it still is killing people, which makes it dangerous. The fact that people are writing it off as a complete joke kinda pisses me off.
And secondly, what the hell fat kid? Could that sneeze have been ANY FAKER? I mean, I know you're in like second grade, but DAMN. Your acting is fucking TERRIBLE. You couldn't have found a kid who WASN'T a retard to do the sneeze? Shit.
Stay classy
Of course, with the increase in viewing hours of television, there comes an increase in the amount of commercials I see. And this means, as you well know from such Observations as this, this and this, that I've once again found a couple commercials that put me right on the train to Pissed the Fuck Off-ville.
First off, there's this one.
"Oh . . . not tonight sweetie, you've had Chef every night this week."
What the hell kind of mother serves her kid Chef Boyardee for dinner EVERY NIGHT? I assume that it's at least Wednesday (otherwise the mother would've said something along the lines of "you had Chef last night" if it was only Tuesday), so for at least two days this kid has eaten Chef Boyardee for dinner. I mean, the stuff is good, but it's not "eat it and only it" good.
Secondly, what the fuck is up with the kid? A can of Chef Boyardee - a can, moreover, that you held in your own hands in the store that is AT LEAST five miles away - just happens to roll through your doggie door and into your lap, and you just pick it up and SMILE? If that shit happened to me, I'd be like "WHOA WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DID THIS CAN COME FROM HOW'D IT GET HERE NINJAS COMMUNISTS WHAT'S GOING ON!?" The can is freakin' possessed - that's some shit straight out of a Steven King novel, and thus some shit that I just can't get down with.
Whew.
Secondly, EVERY commercial about saving abused animals and shit.
NOW LISTEN!
I love animals. All jokes aside, as soon as I have my own place, I'm getting a kitten and naming him Nigel. I've grown up around dogs and cats and parrots and shit. I genuinely love animals.
But to be perfectly honest, with the number of people that are homeless in America, or starving, and the children dying from easily-curable diseases and shit abroad - HUMAN BEINGS in need - I could give a fuck about these animals.
It's not because I'm heartless. Every time I see the commercial with the little kitten pawing at the camera with its big eyes I feel a little sad. But then I realize that there are other PEOPLE in far worse situations than the cat, and I get angry. Call me crazy (just don't call me Shirley), but I feel like we should be helping our fellow man before our fellow man's best friend.
Lastly, there's this bullshit. This commercial pisses me off for two reasons. One, the whole "Swine Flu" thing pisses me off, because of the vehement debates on either side of the issue. One side is all "HOLY FUCK WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE FROM SWINE FLU ZOMG WHATEVER WILL WE DO?" and the other side is all "you guys are retarded." And it pisses me off. I mean, the flu is serious. It DOES kill people every year. While the Swine Flu hasn't killed nearly as many people as the "regular flu," it still is killing people, which makes it dangerous. The fact that people are writing it off as a complete joke kinda pisses me off.
And secondly, what the hell fat kid? Could that sneeze have been ANY FAKER? I mean, I know you're in like second grade, but DAMN. Your acting is fucking TERRIBLE. You couldn't have found a kid who WASN'T a retard to do the sneeze? Shit.
Stay classy
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 5
Jeeze Louise, Readership, it looks like I'm back - yet AGAIN - with yet ANOTHER installment of "Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?"
I received quite an interesting message today from Hannah aka H-Rose, which brought to my attention a couple new, INCREDIBLY STUPID phrases that people say and think are intelligent. Let's get to it.
First off, we have something that's more of a "stupid shit to say archetype" than an actual "stupid shit to say." Basically, it entails you doing something (usually accidentally), and then someone nearby says something to the effect of "watch out for *whatever accident just happened*." Examples? Oh fo sho.
YOU: "Ouch I just hit my head on this low branch!"
ASSHOLE: "Watch your head."
YOU: "AAARGGHHH I've been shot!"
ASSHOLE: "Yeah, watch out for guys with guns cuz they like to shoot."
YOU: "Awww TITS! I pressed the wrong button and now a nuclear bomb is going to detonate over China, thrusting the world into a global conflict that - if there are any survivors - will be known forever as World War III . . . instead of the button to call my secretary!"
ASSHOLE: "Make sure you press the right buttons, man."
That's when the sticks come out and people's feelings (and faces) get hurt. Cuz seriously? Wow! That would've helped me like TWO SECONDS AGO, BEFORE I HIT MY HEAD / GOT SHOT / STARTED WORLD WAR III!
For all the good you did, you should've just sat down, gotten comfortable, and had a nice, hot cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And then we have the always lovely, "I'm ready when you are." Logically, this phrase makes little sense, and in practice (taken literally), VERY rarely happens as such. When was the last time that, completely by chance, you and a friend that were going somewhere together were ready at exactly the same time? Yeah, I can't remember when that was for me either.
Usually, when you say "I'm ready when you are," what you MEAN is something along the lines of "Hurry up you lazy prick, you're holding me up and I got places to go and shit to do!" Except you don't want to be an asshole about it and call out your buddy. However, if they continue to be a lazy prick and hold you up, you have my express written consent to use that phrase verbatim. Dictated, not read. Signed, Fred the Observer.
Fucking idiots make me sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I'm upset that they're still in the gene pool. Happy because I get to bitch about it here.
Anyway. Thanks again to H-Rose for the topics, and please, whatever you do, Readership . . .
Stay classy
I received quite an interesting message today from Hannah aka H-Rose, which brought to my attention a couple new, INCREDIBLY STUPID phrases that people say and think are intelligent. Let's get to it.
First off, we have something that's more of a "stupid shit to say archetype" than an actual "stupid shit to say." Basically, it entails you doing something (usually accidentally), and then someone nearby says something to the effect of "watch out for *whatever accident just happened*." Examples? Oh fo sho.
YOU: "Ouch I just hit my head on this low branch!"
ASSHOLE: "Watch your head."
YOU: "AAARGGHHH I've been shot!"
ASSHOLE: "Yeah, watch out for guys with guns cuz they like to shoot."
YOU: "Awww TITS! I pressed the wrong button and now a nuclear bomb is going to detonate over China, thrusting the world into a global conflict that - if there are any survivors - will be known forever as World War III . . . instead of the button to call my secretary!"
ASSHOLE: "Make sure you press the right buttons, man."
That's when the sticks come out and people's feelings (and faces) get hurt. Cuz seriously? Wow! That would've helped me like TWO SECONDS AGO, BEFORE I HIT MY HEAD / GOT SHOT / STARTED WORLD WAR III!
For all the good you did, you should've just sat down, gotten comfortable, and had a nice, hot cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And then we have the always lovely, "I'm ready when you are." Logically, this phrase makes little sense, and in practice (taken literally), VERY rarely happens as such. When was the last time that, completely by chance, you and a friend that were going somewhere together were ready at exactly the same time? Yeah, I can't remember when that was for me either.
Usually, when you say "I'm ready when you are," what you MEAN is something along the lines of "Hurry up you lazy prick, you're holding me up and I got places to go and shit to do!" Except you don't want to be an asshole about it and call out your buddy. However, if they continue to be a lazy prick and hold you up, you have my express written consent to use that phrase verbatim. Dictated, not read. Signed, Fred the Observer.
Fucking idiots make me sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I'm upset that they're still in the gene pool. Happy because I get to bitch about it here.
Anyway. Thanks again to H-Rose for the topics, and please, whatever you do, Readership . . .
Stay classy
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