Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 5

Jeeze Louise, Readership, it looks like I'm back - yet AGAIN - with yet ANOTHER installment of "Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?"

I received quite an interesting message today from Hannah aka H-Rose, which brought to my attention a couple new, INCREDIBLY STUPID phrases that people say and think are intelligent. Let's get to it.

First off, we have something that's more of a "stupid shit to say archetype" than an actual "stupid shit to say." Basically, it entails you doing something (usually accidentally), and then someone nearby says something to the effect of "watch out for *whatever accident just happened*." Examples? Oh fo sho.

YOU: "Ouch I just hit my head on this low branch!"
ASSHOLE: "Watch your head."

YOU: "AAARGGHHH I've been shot!"
ASSHOLE: "Yeah, watch out for guys with guns cuz they like to shoot."

YOU: "Awww TITS! I pressed the wrong button and now a nuclear bomb is going to detonate over China, thrusting the world into a global conflict that - if there are any survivors - will be known forever as World War III . . . instead of the button to call my secretary!"
ASSHOLE: "Make sure you press the right buttons, man."

That's when the sticks come out and people's feelings (and faces) get hurt. Cuz seriously? Wow! That would've helped me like TWO SECONDS AGO, BEFORE I HIT MY HEAD / GOT SHOT / STARTED WORLD WAR III!

For all the good you did, you should've just sat down, gotten comfortable, and had a nice, hot cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP.

And then we have the always lovely, "I'm ready when you are." Logically, this phrase makes little sense, and in practice (taken literally), VERY rarely happens as such. When was the last time that, completely by chance, you and a friend that were going somewhere together were ready at exactly the same time? Yeah, I can't remember when that was for me either.

Usually, when you say "I'm ready when you are," what you MEAN is something along the lines of "Hurry up you lazy prick, you're holding me up and I got places to go and shit to do!" Except you don't want to be an asshole about it and call out your buddy. However, if they continue to be a lazy prick and hold you up, you have my express written consent to use that phrase verbatim. Dictated, not read. Signed, Fred the Observer.

Fucking idiots make me sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I'm upset that they're still in the gene pool. Happy because I get to bitch about it here.

Anyway. Thanks again to H-Rose for the topics, and please, whatever you do, Readership . . .

Stay classy