Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 6

Readership, you already know what happened. Once again, I've stumbled on some key phrases that have pissed me RIGHT the hell off. Let's cut to the chase.

There are many variations for the phrase you're supposed to employ after someone thanks you for something. There's always the classic "you're welcome," and then a myriad of other choices, such as "no problem," and "it was my pleasure." But then you have "don't mention it." There's just something about "don't mention it" that pisses me off. I think it's the fact that it's used SO DAMN MUCH, when, as I see it, there are really only a few certain situations where it would be applicable.

People will say "don't mention it" when you thank them for stupid shit, like "hey man, thanks for telling me there was a test tomorrow, I'll be able to study tonight," or "thanks for bringing my mail in with yours." Why the hell wouldn't you want someone to mention the fact that you did that? Are you some sort of Mad Max superbadass who couldn't bear to have the public know that you did one decent thing in your life?

I mean, the way I see it, the only types of shit that should be met with "don't mention it" is some shit that REALLY SHOULDN'T BE MENTIONED. If someone says to you, "hey, thanks for killing my husband, now we can elope in Aruba," or "thanks for paying off that Customs Agent so we could move our cocaine into the country safely," THEN you can say "don't mention it." Otherwise, chill the fuck out with that.

Secondly, the classic phrase "long story short." When the HELL has the story to follow that phrase been short? And the fucked up part is that usually, after you've sat and listened to this EPIC FUCKING POEM of a story for the last hour and a half, you come to the realization that it actually COULD'VE been told in a much shorter version - so the asshole might as well have started the whole conversation with "short story long."

Lastly, this is one that kills me. Let me set up the scenario.

You're asleep. You're dreaming about something pleasant, but then your dream is interrupted by a sort of buzzing noise. It's rhythmic and in perfect cadence. Finally, you wake up, still groggy and for a second you have no fucking clue who you are or what planet you're on, but the buzzing is louder than ever. You see something buzzing and skidding around on your desk with a bright light on it, and instinctively grab it before realizing it's your phone, ringing. You put it up to your ear and the conversation goes a little something like this:

You- "....hello..ughhh..."
Person- "Hey.... uh, were you sleeping?"
You- "...yeah.."
Person- "Ohhh I'm sorry! I'll call you back."

"NO FUCKER YOU WOKE ME UP YOU BETTER MAKE THIS SHIT INTERESTING!"
That's what you think, but you're too nice to say that, so instead you say:

You- "...nah, it's okay, it's cool... what's up?"
Person- "No, no, it's nothing, I'll call you later, it's not important."

WHAT THE FUCK YOU WOKE ME UP FOR SOME UNIMPORTANT SHIT?
At this point, you've got my permission to say that.

God I love people.

Stay classy