Readership, as you very well know, there are quite a few things in this wide wide world of ours that piss me right the hell off. To name a few, bottled water, people who act retarded, Kanye West, stupidass commercials, newer Cartoon Network, and the Land Before Time.
But something that pisses me off more often than most things are stupidass people sending stupidass emails about class stuff. I'm going to quote an email that I received a little while ago.
"Do we have class this week?"
That's it. That's the entirety of the email. That and the name of the person who sent it (which I'll keep to myself because I'm not a douchebag). Now let's look at how FUCKING STUPID that is.
Without the name of the class, or what time the class is, or what day of the week the class is, there's almost nothing I can do - short of going through every single class I have, looking for the class we share, and then seeing if we have that class (which we inevitably do, because if we didn't, the professor is smart and courteous enough to SEND US AN EMAIL, thus eliminating the need for someone to email the entire class asking if we do or not).
It's just astounding that people actually think that people are willing to do all that shit just to help YOU out. Honestly, people don't give that much of a shit about you. If you want an answer, give enough information to make it easier for the person(s) you emailed to find it and help you, or at the very least give them enough information to give them incentive to do the little bit of legwork needed to see if the class is on for the week.
Ya dumb shit.
Oh. And I broke the record again for most posts in a month with a nice round sixteen.
Suck on that bitches.
Stay classy
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Oh White People . . .
Note: This is not a racist post. Really. I have a lot of white friends - and a lot of Hispanic, black and Asian friends too. I don't hate, I just tell it like it is. If you know me, you know that whatever is said below has no racist malice behind it. And if you don't know me and/or think that this is some racist shit, fuck you. You, good sir/madame, can suck my dick. The following is just an observation about some typical white-people stuff. End of commercial!
Readership, I was watching the banginest sci-fi show on Fox ever (aka FRINGE. if you're not watching Fox on Thursday nights at 9pm Eastern on a weekly basis, GET ON IT), and the following scenario presented itself.
White guy, construction dude, goes back out to the site to get his gloves (because he forgot them). The gloves are next to a cornfield, and as soon as he picks up the gloves he sees the cornstalks moving by themselves, as though something's moving through them.
Let's pause for a moment here. Right now, this man has two choices. A) Grab gloves and run away, or B) Grab gloves and investigate these moving cornstalks. Someone with self-preservation in mind would choose option A without even the slightest bit of hesitation. But, white people being white people, he had to choose option B and investigate.
So, this guy chooses option B and goes to investigate. A few seconds later, he finds what seems to be four human fingers - which just happen to be metallic blue - sticking out of the ground.
Now, let's pause again right there. He's already made the wrong choice before, and now he is faced with a similar predicament. Option A) You've investigated, you could draw your own conclusions, you're still alive, you have your gloves, GET THE FUCK AWAY, or option B) Hmmm... I wanna shake its hand.
I'll give you two guesses as to which option he chose.
You really only need one though. Because if you're right, we're done, and if you're wrong, it's the other one, so it's really not a guess. But anyway.
So this guy decides "hey let's shake this (seemingly) dismembered hand that's stuck in the ground." And actually, it turns out that this seemingly dismembered hand is actually membered - that is, attached to someone - that someone being some FUCKING WEIRD METALLIC BLUE HALF-SCORPION/HALF-TWELVE-YEAR-OLD BOY MONSTER THING. Which sucks him under the ground and eats him.
With this experience safely under our belts (said experience being the witnessing of a white guy doing some stupid, "directly against my sense of self-preservation"-type shit), let us examine the modern horror movie.
We all know what happens, inevitably. The black man is ALWAYS the one to die first. Let's take a look at that really quick. Scenario time!
Four white people and their black friend are walking down the street, when it starts raining. Let me remind you that it is the month of November, and is thus quite cold, and the chances of getting seriously ill in the rainy outside world are quite high. The white male leader (cuz there's always one), scopes out an abandoned house down the road a ways, and says to his companions, "Hey gang, let's hole up in that abandoned house down the road, and get out of the rain." And immediately all of the white companions agree, "yeah, that's a good idea, we'll catch a cold out here in the rain."
Black guy's like "FUCKKKKKKKK that shit. Abandoned-ass house? You on some other shit my dude. I'm out."
In the examination of that scenario, we see that the black man is willing to risk pneumonia by staying out in the rain, instead of risking death by decapitation (or worse!) inside that creepy-ass abandoned house (which, as he thinks about it, definitely wasn't there yesterday). In this story, he makes it home, has a nice bowl of soup to warm himself up, and goes to bed. Then he wakes up the next morning and sees the news report that ALL OF HIS FRIENDS DIED in that dumbass abandoned house.
But see, that scenario doesn't exist in horror movies, and in fact, the black guy(s) only begin to think "what the fuck'm I doin' here, this is some white-people-type shit to do, I'm out!" once they're inside the creepy-ass house for a little bit. But, since the white people have been walking around in big-ass groups with flashlights and candles and their Green Day ringtones going off every time they get a "where you at?" text from their wannabe gangsta "homies" for the past hour or so, the crazy ax-wieldin', escaped-from-the-asylum, cut-you-up-and-stew-you murderer dude has already sealed the exits and is fixin' to EAT THEM. So it's too late.
So. In summation. Not saying that white people are dumb, or that they should die first in horror movies. I'm just sayin' that white people tend to do some questionable shit when it comes to "investigating" shit that doesn't seem safe at first glance, and then CONTINUE TO DO SO when they've all but ascertained the fact that THIS SHIT AIN'T SAFE.
And if after all of this, you still think this was a "white people are st00pid" post, then you must be white and talking about yourself. Think about it. Bitch.
Damn. I went in.
Stay classy
Readership, I was watching the banginest sci-fi show on Fox ever (aka FRINGE. if you're not watching Fox on Thursday nights at 9pm Eastern on a weekly basis, GET ON IT), and the following scenario presented itself.
White guy, construction dude, goes back out to the site to get his gloves (because he forgot them). The gloves are next to a cornfield, and as soon as he picks up the gloves he sees the cornstalks moving by themselves, as though something's moving through them.
Let's pause for a moment here. Right now, this man has two choices. A) Grab gloves and run away, or B) Grab gloves and investigate these moving cornstalks. Someone with self-preservation in mind would choose option A without even the slightest bit of hesitation. But, white people being white people, he had to choose option B and investigate.
So, this guy chooses option B and goes to investigate. A few seconds later, he finds what seems to be four human fingers - which just happen to be metallic blue - sticking out of the ground.
Now, let's pause again right there. He's already made the wrong choice before, and now he is faced with a similar predicament. Option A) You've investigated, you could draw your own conclusions, you're still alive, you have your gloves, GET THE FUCK AWAY, or option B) Hmmm... I wanna shake its hand.
I'll give you two guesses as to which option he chose.
You really only need one though. Because if you're right, we're done, and if you're wrong, it's the other one, so it's really not a guess. But anyway.
So this guy decides "hey let's shake this (seemingly) dismembered hand that's stuck in the ground." And actually, it turns out that this seemingly dismembered hand is actually membered - that is, attached to someone - that someone being some FUCKING WEIRD METALLIC BLUE HALF-SCORPION/HALF-TWELVE-YEAR-OLD BOY MONSTER THING. Which sucks him under the ground and eats him.
With this experience safely under our belts (said experience being the witnessing of a white guy doing some stupid, "directly against my sense of self-preservation"-type shit), let us examine the modern horror movie.
We all know what happens, inevitably. The black man is ALWAYS the one to die first. Let's take a look at that really quick. Scenario time!
Four white people and their black friend are walking down the street, when it starts raining. Let me remind you that it is the month of November, and is thus quite cold, and the chances of getting seriously ill in the rainy outside world are quite high. The white male leader (cuz there's always one), scopes out an abandoned house down the road a ways, and says to his companions, "Hey gang, let's hole up in that abandoned house down the road, and get out of the rain." And immediately all of the white companions agree, "yeah, that's a good idea, we'll catch a cold out here in the rain."
Black guy's like "FUCKKKKKKKK that shit. Abandoned-ass house? You on some other shit my dude. I'm out."
In the examination of that scenario, we see that the black man is willing to risk pneumonia by staying out in the rain, instead of risking death by decapitation (or worse!) inside that creepy-ass abandoned house (which, as he thinks about it, definitely wasn't there yesterday). In this story, he makes it home, has a nice bowl of soup to warm himself up, and goes to bed. Then he wakes up the next morning and sees the news report that ALL OF HIS FRIENDS DIED in that dumbass abandoned house.
But see, that scenario doesn't exist in horror movies, and in fact, the black guy(s) only begin to think "what the fuck'm I doin' here, this is some white-people-type shit to do, I'm out!" once they're inside the creepy-ass house for a little bit. But, since the white people have been walking around in big-ass groups with flashlights and candles and their Green Day ringtones going off every time they get a "where you at?" text from their wannabe gangsta "homies" for the past hour or so, the crazy ax-wieldin', escaped-from-the-asylum, cut-you-up-and-stew-you murderer dude has already sealed the exits and is fixin' to EAT THEM. So it's too late.
So. In summation. Not saying that white people are dumb, or that they should die first in horror movies. I'm just sayin' that white people tend to do some questionable shit when it comes to "investigating" shit that doesn't seem safe at first glance, and then CONTINUE TO DO SO when they've all but ascertained the fact that THIS SHIT AIN'T SAFE.
And if after all of this, you still think this was a "white people are st00pid" post, then you must be white and talking about yourself. Think about it. Bitch.
Damn. I went in.
Stay classy
Sunday, September 20, 2009
"It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's an Idiot with Visual Spatial Deficiencies!"
Readership, as I drove down the highway with my running mate Waffles and R 'n R, headed towards a day of shenaniganery on Long Island, I had a thought (rare occurrence, I know).
I'm pretty sure that old-school Superman is a little before the times of most people that read this (I know it's before MY time). But the thing that everybody seemed to say when they clapped eyes on Superman has transcended time and space and has become a phrase known all over the place. You know what I'm talking about: "Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPERMAN!"
How fuckin' stupid is that?
"It's a bird! Something that can only grow to be around 12 feet wide!"
"No! It's a plane! Something that's got a maximum length of 239 feet and a wingspan the size of a football field!"
"No, you're BOTH wrong! It's Superman! A being from outer space that's only about 6'3"!"
So you went from something that can't fit into a football stadium to a PERSON!? How the fuck can you mistake a PERSON in the sky for an AIRPLANE?
Fuckin' ridiculous.
Stay classy
I'm pretty sure that old-school Superman is a little before the times of most people that read this (I know it's before MY time). But the thing that everybody seemed to say when they clapped eyes on Superman has transcended time and space and has become a phrase known all over the place. You know what I'm talking about: "Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPERMAN!"
How fuckin' stupid is that?
"It's a bird! Something that can only grow to be around 12 feet wide!"
"No! It's a plane! Something that's got a maximum length of 239 feet and a wingspan the size of a football field!"
"No, you're BOTH wrong! It's Superman! A being from outer space that's only about 6'3"!"
So you went from something that can't fit into a football stadium to a PERSON!? How the fuck can you mistake a PERSON in the sky for an AIRPLANE?
Fuckin' ridiculous.
Stay classy
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
YOUR Life is Rough? Bullshit
Readership, I am quite pissed. I've been hearing a lot of celebrities complaining. A LOT. About stupid shit. Most recently, it was Kanye West. Now by this time I'm sure all of you (or at least most of you) have heard about his recent dick move at the VMAs (and if you haven't, check this out).
Anyway.
Kanye recently appeared on the Jay Leno Show and offered an apology to Taylor Swift (which I'll get to in a bit, because it also pissed me off a little), during which he said something to the tune of "my life is hard."
WHAT THE FUCK!?
YOUR life is hard!? You, Kanye Muthafuckin' West, have a hard life? You, who can shit fifty dollar bills and wipe your ass with C-notes, have a hard life? You LITERALLY have money coming out of your ass. You do NOT have a hard life.
Now I have FAR from a hard life, but let's compare. Kanye West has untold millions of dollars (I'm guessing. for some strange reason people seem to love his music and buy his shit). Whereas with me, I'm already close to seventy thousand dollars in debt due to college loans. Kanye West wonders what to buy with his money. I wonder how the fuck I'm gonna pay back seventy-plus thousand dollars when I graduate.
Kanye West has a job - nay, a CAREER - which gives him so much success it's ridiculous, and almost guarantees him a continual (very high) income and the means to live the life he does and continue to do so. The closest thing I have to a job is working for kgb_ which nets me a grand old ten cents per question I answer, which, if I work my ass off on kgb_, works out to something to the tune of two bucks and change an hour. Also, due to the bitchass Internet connection at my school, I haven't been able to work much on kgb_, so I'm looking at a grand total of around two bucks made for the entire month of September (as opposed to somewhere close to forty bucks for August).
Kanye West (I'm assuming) has limos and private jets that will take him wherever the hell he wants to go. My ailing grandma flew into NYC from Puerto Rico and was staying in the Bronx with my uncle. I'm in Queens, but I didn't have the money for a Metro Card that would get me there and back.
Like I said before, I KNOW that compared to other people my life is a fucking PICNIC. It's not rough at all. But when people who are MULTI-FUCKING MILLIONAIRES start complaining about how rough THEIR lives are, I get kinda pissed the fuck off.
Oh, and about the apology? Some people are like "oh well at least he apologized" but to me, he looks like even more of a bitch for apologizing. Don't get it twisted at all, I would've rather he didn't do that stupid shit he did in the first place, but if you're gonna be a piece of shit on TV - if you feel strongly enough to jump up on stage at the fucking VMAs and insult Taylor Swift in front of countless millions of TV viewers and thousands of live fans inside Radio City Music Hall - then stand by your decision. Don't, after seeing that everyone thought you were a douchebag for doing it, try to apologize and play like you felt that it was wrong the whole time. Little bitch.
Anyway.
Just had to get that out, because it pissed me off just a little bit.
Stay classy
Anyway.
Kanye recently appeared on the Jay Leno Show and offered an apology to Taylor Swift (which I'll get to in a bit, because it also pissed me off a little), during which he said something to the tune of "my life is hard."
WHAT THE FUCK!?
YOUR life is hard!? You, Kanye Muthafuckin' West, have a hard life? You, who can shit fifty dollar bills and wipe your ass with C-notes, have a hard life? You LITERALLY have money coming out of your ass. You do NOT have a hard life.
Now I have FAR from a hard life, but let's compare. Kanye West has untold millions of dollars (I'm guessing. for some strange reason people seem to love his music and buy his shit). Whereas with me, I'm already close to seventy thousand dollars in debt due to college loans. Kanye West wonders what to buy with his money. I wonder how the fuck I'm gonna pay back seventy-plus thousand dollars when I graduate.
Kanye West has a job - nay, a CAREER - which gives him so much success it's ridiculous, and almost guarantees him a continual (very high) income and the means to live the life he does and continue to do so. The closest thing I have to a job is working for kgb_ which nets me a grand old ten cents per question I answer, which, if I work my ass off on kgb_, works out to something to the tune of two bucks and change an hour. Also, due to the bitchass Internet connection at my school, I haven't been able to work much on kgb_, so I'm looking at a grand total of around two bucks made for the entire month of September (as opposed to somewhere close to forty bucks for August).
Kanye West (I'm assuming) has limos and private jets that will take him wherever the hell he wants to go. My ailing grandma flew into NYC from Puerto Rico and was staying in the Bronx with my uncle. I'm in Queens, but I didn't have the money for a Metro Card that would get me there and back.
Like I said before, I KNOW that compared to other people my life is a fucking PICNIC. It's not rough at all. But when people who are MULTI-FUCKING MILLIONAIRES start complaining about how rough THEIR lives are, I get kinda pissed the fuck off.
Oh, and about the apology? Some people are like "oh well at least he apologized" but to me, he looks like even more of a bitch for apologizing. Don't get it twisted at all, I would've rather he didn't do that stupid shit he did in the first place, but if you're gonna be a piece of shit on TV - if you feel strongly enough to jump up on stage at the fucking VMAs and insult Taylor Swift in front of countless millions of TV viewers and thousands of live fans inside Radio City Music Hall - then stand by your decision. Don't, after seeing that everyone thought you were a douchebag for doing it, try to apologize and play like you felt that it was wrong the whole time. Little bitch.
Anyway.
Just had to get that out, because it pissed me off just a little bit.
Stay classy
A Short One (that's what she said)
Readership, I've been wondering this for a while. Why, on the covers of fiction books, does it say "a novel"? For example this.
Oh REALLY? So you say it's a NOVEL, eh?
Well shit, man, thanks for letting me know! Here I was - silly me - thinking it was a baby monkey!
Fuckin' dumbass.
Stay classy
Oh REALLY? So you say it's a NOVEL, eh?
Well shit, man, thanks for letting me know! Here I was - silly me - thinking it was a baby monkey!
Fuckin' dumbass.
Stay classy
Monday, September 14, 2009
GENDER DISCRIMINATION!
Readership, there's something that's been pissing me off.
Females in general can have their boobies all hangin' out and wear super short skirts so their sexy legs are all out there and being sexy and whatnot, and it's all good. NOTE: I AM NOT COMPLAINING. KEEP DOIN' WHATCHA DO SEXY LADIES.
But I digress.
While all that's well and good, there's a bit of gender discrimination going on. While chicks can basically have their boobs or asscheeks anywhere from 80-90% visible, if a guy cops a boner - which in all situations but a specific and VERY SELECT few stays INSIDE PANTS - it's suddenly "ewwwww what the fuck is wrong with you!?" etc. etc.
Let's look at this shit for a second. So it's cool for chicas to have their boobs all out, but boners are icky? Not to be vulgar, but last time I checked, boners weren't icky when they were, y'know, inside you. Just sayin'.
And then, there's the fact that, as R 'n R noted, if chicks weren't barely wearing clothes all the time, dudes wouldn't be coppin' boners in your presence in the FIRST DAMN PLACE.
So shit. Give it a rest with the boner-hate ladies.
And PLEASE.
Stay classy
Females in general can have their boobies all hangin' out and wear super short skirts so their sexy legs are all out there and being sexy and whatnot, and it's all good. NOTE: I AM NOT COMPLAINING. KEEP DOIN' WHATCHA DO SEXY LADIES.
But I digress.
While all that's well and good, there's a bit of gender discrimination going on. While chicks can basically have their boobs or asscheeks anywhere from 80-90% visible, if a guy cops a boner - which in all situations but a specific and VERY SELECT few stays INSIDE PANTS - it's suddenly "ewwwww what the fuck is wrong with you!?" etc. etc.
Let's look at this shit for a second. So it's cool for chicas to have their boobs all out, but boners are icky? Not to be vulgar, but last time I checked, boners weren't icky when they were, y'know, inside you. Just sayin'.
And then, there's the fact that, as R 'n R noted, if chicks weren't barely wearing clothes all the time, dudes wouldn't be coppin' boners in your presence in the FIRST DAMN PLACE.
So shit. Give it a rest with the boner-hate ladies.
And PLEASE.
Stay classy
That Stupid Taco Bell Evander Holyfield Commercial
Readership, it seems that commercials have been pissing me off very much lately. Here's the latest addition to the "Stupid Fucking Commercials that Need to Never be Aired Again" category:
Now let's look at this logically. Evander Holyfield is 6'2". Basically, I can look his one-and-one-half-ear-havin' self directly in the eye (I'm 6'1"). But if you see this commercial, they make him look, as YouTube user dclem8 said, "like Andre the Giant."
Now, since whenever I go to a fast food place (which is NEVER Taco Bell because they scientifically engineer THE SHITS into ALL of their food), me and my 6'1" self never make the person behind the counter - NAY, THE COUNTER ITSELF! - look like they were stolen from a Barbie dollhouse, there has to be some shenaniganery going on here. The way I see it, there are two ways that this could have been achieved.
One, there was a little special cinematography going on. There are ways for the camera to be positioned in certain ways that either make things look a lot bigger or a lot smaller than they actually are (mind out of the gutter, readership).
Two, they made the counter a lot smaller than the counter usually is, and then, on top of that, got a small actress (I think her name is Paige? according to the YouTube comments anyway), and then lowered the floor directly behind the counter so that in addition to being short as hell, she was even lower in comparison to the counter and Holyfield.
There was a little bit of both probably.
But what the hell. HE'S NOT THAT FUCKIN' TALL.
And yes, that commercial pissed me off enough to go balls-out here.
Stay classy
Now let's look at this logically. Evander Holyfield is 6'2". Basically, I can look his one-and-one-half-ear-havin' self directly in the eye (I'm 6'1"). But if you see this commercial, they make him look, as YouTube user dclem8 said, "like Andre the Giant."
Now, since whenever I go to a fast food place (which is NEVER Taco Bell because they scientifically engineer THE SHITS into ALL of their food), me and my 6'1" self never make the person behind the counter - NAY, THE COUNTER ITSELF! - look like they were stolen from a Barbie dollhouse, there has to be some shenaniganery going on here. The way I see it, there are two ways that this could have been achieved.
One, there was a little special cinematography going on. There are ways for the camera to be positioned in certain ways that either make things look a lot bigger or a lot smaller than they actually are (mind out of the gutter, readership).
Two, they made the counter a lot smaller than the counter usually is, and then, on top of that, got a small actress (I think her name is Paige? according to the YouTube comments anyway), and then lowered the floor directly behind the counter so that in addition to being short as hell, she was even lower in comparison to the counter and Holyfield.
There was a little bit of both probably.
But what the hell. HE'S NOT THAT FUCKIN' TALL.
And yes, that commercial pissed me off enough to go balls-out here.
Stay classy
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Are We Really that Stupid?
Readership, during a Google search of "how to rank up on Halo 3" (yes, I've been getting a little frustrated lately with the seemingly arbitrary rising and falling of my rank online, I'll admit it), my phone went off as Waffles texted me. After answering the text, I looked back to my computer screen to see that of the seven words of my search query, I had only typed in the first two.
Now, Google has this nifty little thing it does that "suggests" what you might be searching for, based on whatever you've already typed in. This is a real time-saver sometimes, because it makes it so that you don't have to type in the entire search query, and can instead just click on the one you intended to type and be on your merry searching way.
With "how to" in the search bar, a few things popped up. Two of the first three bothered me a little bit.
First, we have "how to tie a tie," which, I'll admit, was something that puzzled me until about a year ago. If you have no idea what you're doing, tying a tie is quite difficult, and in this age of Googling the answers to life's questions, it would almost be expected for you to Google "how to tie a tie." So that was the one that DIDN'T bother me.
The second one, however, started to bite at me a little bit. "How to kiss." I mean, boiled down to its bare essentials, kissing in its entirety can be accomplished in two steps: 1. Move in 2. Touch lips. I'm nowhere near naive or ignorant enough to think that that's it, and I do know that there are far more intricacies into the subtle art and exact science that is being a good kisser (and, not to toot my own horn, but I've been told on numerous occasions by different chicas that I'm quite a good kisser - AND I NEVER GOOGLED "HOW TO KISS"). That said, Googling "how to kiss" is A) unproductive (just do it and work it out from there man) and B) kinda pathetic (you're seriously Googling "how to kiss"? come on man). So yeah, that one was a little bothersome.
But the third one - ooooh the third one was the worst of all.
"HOW TO GET PREGNANT"
P IN VAJAY BUST A NUT AND WAIT. If the fucking cavemen didn't worry about all the ovulation cycles and all that other technical bullshit, and WE'RE STILL HERE, I guess it doesn't matter much past penis+vagina+semen+time=pregnancy.
Just had to let that out. Now I'm gonna go see how to rank up on Halo.
Stay classy
Now, Google has this nifty little thing it does that "suggests" what you might be searching for, based on whatever you've already typed in. This is a real time-saver sometimes, because it makes it so that you don't have to type in the entire search query, and can instead just click on the one you intended to type and be on your merry searching way.
With "how to" in the search bar, a few things popped up. Two of the first three bothered me a little bit.
First, we have "how to tie a tie," which, I'll admit, was something that puzzled me until about a year ago. If you have no idea what you're doing, tying a tie is quite difficult, and in this age of Googling the answers to life's questions, it would almost be expected for you to Google "how to tie a tie." So that was the one that DIDN'T bother me.
The second one, however, started to bite at me a little bit. "How to kiss." I mean, boiled down to its bare essentials, kissing in its entirety can be accomplished in two steps: 1. Move in 2. Touch lips. I'm nowhere near naive or ignorant enough to think that that's it, and I do know that there are far more intricacies into the subtle art and exact science that is being a good kisser (and, not to toot my own horn, but I've been told on numerous occasions by different chicas that I'm quite a good kisser - AND I NEVER GOOGLED "HOW TO KISS"). That said, Googling "how to kiss" is A) unproductive (just do it and work it out from there man) and B) kinda pathetic (you're seriously Googling "how to kiss"? come on man). So yeah, that one was a little bothersome.
But the third one - ooooh the third one was the worst of all.
"HOW TO GET PREGNANT"
P IN VAJAY BUST A NUT AND WAIT. If the fucking cavemen didn't worry about all the ovulation cycles and all that other technical bullshit, and WE'RE STILL HERE, I guess it doesn't matter much past penis+vagina+semen+time=pregnancy.
Just had to let that out. Now I'm gonna go see how to rank up on Halo.
Stay classy
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Once Again . . .
I've found a commercial that pisses me off.
Readership, at this point I'm sure you've seen the Domino's commercial about the Chocolate Lava Cake and the Bread Bowl Pasta. The whole thing is about who should get the credit for it, between the chefs and the accountants (who apparently are responsible for the whole "buy one Bread Bowl Pasta and get a Chocolate Lava Cake for free" deal). In the commercial, they're legit debating about who should get the most credit. SERIOUSLY debating.
What the fuck? Isn't it obvious?
The chefs are the ones who deserve ALL the credit. Without the chefs, those accountants have nothing to fucking make a price for at all - aka, without the chefs, the accountants have no job at all. Whereas the chefs don't need accountants, they could just make their Chocolate Lava Cakes and Bread Bowl Pastas and then just peddle that shit on the streets dolo and not give a fuck.
The thing that pisses me off the most though is when the accountants are like "well we made it free."
If I was a chef I'd respond with something along the lines of, I dunno, "WELL WE MADE IT PERIOD YA DUMB FUCKS!"
Sheesh.
Stay classy
Readership, at this point I'm sure you've seen the Domino's commercial about the Chocolate Lava Cake and the Bread Bowl Pasta. The whole thing is about who should get the credit for it, between the chefs and the accountants (who apparently are responsible for the whole "buy one Bread Bowl Pasta and get a Chocolate Lava Cake for free" deal). In the commercial, they're legit debating about who should get the most credit. SERIOUSLY debating.
What the fuck? Isn't it obvious?
The chefs are the ones who deserve ALL the credit. Without the chefs, those accountants have nothing to fucking make a price for at all - aka, without the chefs, the accountants have no job at all. Whereas the chefs don't need accountants, they could just make their Chocolate Lava Cakes and Bread Bowl Pastas and then just peddle that shit on the streets dolo and not give a fuck.
The thing that pisses me off the most though is when the accountants are like "well we made it free."
If I was a chef I'd respond with something along the lines of, I dunno, "WELL WE MADE IT PERIOD YA DUMB FUCKS!"
Sheesh.
Stay classy
Friday, September 11, 2009
The MOST AWKWARD EXPERIENCE EVER
Readership, I was waiting for class to start this fine afternoon at around 12, when I suddenly felt the need to drop a deuce - y'know, take a pooper.
So I went into the bathroom. And into the handicapped stall (because I never know when the urge to dance might strike, so I need the space). And then I proceeded to deuce.
Seconds later, someone else entered the bathroom, walked deliberately and purposefully towards the other, non-handicapped stall, and entered. Then shit got weird.
Instead of just unzippin' and taking a leak (as, believe it or not, a LOT of guys do, even with free urinals available), he started taking shit out of his pockets - metallic-sounding shit. And a lot of it.
So there I was, on the bowl, pants around muh damn ankles, and there was this guy in the stall next to me changing out of his street clothes into his fuckin' hitman uniform, checking his guns and shit. I would've shit myself but A) I had already finished shitting and B) I was trying not to have this crazy dude know that there was someone in the next stall watching him prepare and whatnot.
Then it got weirder. Because in the span of like a second and a half, he dropped his pants, whirled around 180 degrees, sat down on the bowl AND RECTALLY EXPLODED.
So then I was trying not to laugh cuz he was still firin' off small arms (as opposed to bombs), and I was able to make myself presentable again, I washed my hands and got the fuck up outta there.
Probably the single funniest/most awkward moment of my life.
Stay classy
So I went into the bathroom. And into the handicapped stall (because I never know when the urge to dance might strike, so I need the space). And then I proceeded to deuce.
Seconds later, someone else entered the bathroom, walked deliberately and purposefully towards the other, non-handicapped stall, and entered. Then shit got weird.
Instead of just unzippin' and taking a leak (as, believe it or not, a LOT of guys do, even with free urinals available), he started taking shit out of his pockets - metallic-sounding shit. And a lot of it.
So there I was, on the bowl, pants around muh damn ankles, and there was this guy in the stall next to me changing out of his street clothes into his fuckin' hitman uniform, checking his guns and shit. I would've shit myself but A) I had already finished shitting and B) I was trying not to have this crazy dude know that there was someone in the next stall watching him prepare and whatnot.
Then it got weirder. Because in the span of like a second and a half, he dropped his pants, whirled around 180 degrees, sat down on the bowl AND RECTALLY EXPLODED.
So then I was trying not to laugh cuz he was still firin' off small arms (as opposed to bombs), and I was able to make myself presentable again, I washed my hands and got the fuck up outta there.
Probably the single funniest/most awkward moment of my life.
Stay classy
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tyler Perry . . .
I thoroughly enjoy the Madea movies. In all seriousness, they're funny movies.
But seriously man. After a while, I gotta wonder why you keep dressing up like a female and parading around in a wig.
Just wondering.
Stay classy
But seriously man. After a while, I gotta wonder why you keep dressing up like a female and parading around in a wig.
Just wondering.
Stay classy
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
"Aww that's so cuuuuuute"
Okay readership, this is something that makes me very perplexed.
I've noticed that chicks think some strange shit is "cute." Shit that most people (myself included) would NEVER think to call cute. Examples? Please, readership, you know me too well.
Not two minutes ago, I made R n' R a PB&J sammich. I handed her the jar of jelly as she handed me back the peanut butter jar so I could put it back and she could open the jelly so I could spread it on the other slice of bread and make said amazing sammich.
Her words? "Awwww look at this jar of jelly it's so cute!"
What the fuck? "It's just that it's so small, it's cute!"
And then Waffles - "You must LOVE Asian guys."
So small jars of jelly are cute? And that's not all!
I'm sure you've all seen the commercial for this menace. Near the end of said commercial, one of the chicks says, and I'll paraphrase "Ohhhh look it's so cute!"
WHAT!? Let's think about that for a second. First of all, it's a fuckin' VIBRATOR THAT YOU PUT ON YOUR FINGER. I dunno about YOU but I sure as hell don't think "cute" when I think of finger-mounted vibrators.
Then, just LOOK at the fucking thing. It's like a shark with ridges. How the fuck is that CUTE!?
Jesus.
Stay classy
I've noticed that chicks think some strange shit is "cute." Shit that most people (myself included) would NEVER think to call cute. Examples? Please, readership, you know me too well.
Not two minutes ago, I made R n' R a PB&J sammich. I handed her the jar of jelly as she handed me back the peanut butter jar so I could put it back and she could open the jelly so I could spread it on the other slice of bread and make said amazing sammich.
Her words? "Awwww look at this jar of jelly it's so cute!"
What the fuck? "It's just that it's so small, it's cute!"
And then Waffles - "You must LOVE Asian guys."
So small jars of jelly are cute? And that's not all!
I'm sure you've all seen the commercial for this menace. Near the end of said commercial, one of the chicks says, and I'll paraphrase "Ohhhh look it's so cute!"
WHAT!? Let's think about that for a second. First of all, it's a fuckin' VIBRATOR THAT YOU PUT ON YOUR FINGER. I dunno about YOU but I sure as hell don't think "cute" when I think of finger-mounted vibrators.
Then, just LOOK at the fucking thing. It's like a shark with ridges. How the fuck is that CUTE!?
Jesus.
Stay classy
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Most Religious People in the World . . .
. . . are definitely drug dealers. And gangstas. Not like those fake-ass punk bitch kids who're like "yo run your shit I'm gangsta," I'm talking the ones with cocked Berettas held sideways to your temple shouting some crazy shit about your chain and respect.
Maybe gangstas feel bad about all the cap-bustin' and dome-stompin' they do, and feel that maybe they'll get some kind of favorable treatment when they get to that Gangsta Paradise in the sky if they get there rockin' a Jesus piece (or more recently, the "thing" seems to be rosary beads), in addition to their 7 3/8" fitted and the nickel 9 in their waistband.
"How'd you get here, my son?"
"Chill with the questions bitchnigga Saint Peter, I got my Jesus piece so lemme in 'fore I bust a cap up in that halo and wing-rockin' ass o' yours."
"Oooooh I see okay."
Not how I envision a gangsta's reception at the Pearly Gates.
Drug dealers are in a similar vein. Now, let me be clear - I don't do drugs, I've never interacted with a drug dealer (while he or she was dealing, anyway, as I DO know people who sling some trees every now and then). However, I've seen enough drug dealers on the street and whatnot to make this observation: aside from priests, drug dealers have the highest Jesus-piece-per-body percentage out of any other type or person.
Once again, I think it boils down to a redemption type of thing. They're selling all these terrible substances to all these people who will in turn use them and either trip balls and do something stupid to themselves or someone else, or they'll die from the effects, which makes them feel like a piece of shit.
But with all the Jesuses glinting gold in the glow from the streetlamps, you almost want to ask these people: "What would Jesus do?"
And as R n' R said: "Not sell drugs!"
Ain't that the truth.
Stay classy
Maybe gangstas feel bad about all the cap-bustin' and dome-stompin' they do, and feel that maybe they'll get some kind of favorable treatment when they get to that Gangsta Paradise in the sky if they get there rockin' a Jesus piece (or more recently, the "thing" seems to be rosary beads), in addition to their 7 3/8" fitted and the nickel 9 in their waistband.
"How'd you get here, my son?"
"Chill with the questions bitchnigga Saint Peter, I got my Jesus piece so lemme in 'fore I bust a cap up in that halo and wing-rockin' ass o' yours."
"Oooooh I see okay."
Not how I envision a gangsta's reception at the Pearly Gates.
Drug dealers are in a similar vein. Now, let me be clear - I don't do drugs, I've never interacted with a drug dealer (while he or she was dealing, anyway, as I DO know people who sling some trees every now and then). However, I've seen enough drug dealers on the street and whatnot to make this observation: aside from priests, drug dealers have the highest Jesus-piece-per-body percentage out of any other type or person.
Once again, I think it boils down to a redemption type of thing. They're selling all these terrible substances to all these people who will in turn use them and either trip balls and do something stupid to themselves or someone else, or they'll die from the effects, which makes them feel like a piece of shit.
But with all the Jesuses glinting gold in the glow from the streetlamps, you almost want to ask these people: "What would Jesus do?"
And as R n' R said: "Not sell drugs!"
Ain't that the truth.
Stay classy
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Mass Transit
Readership, as I walked back to Henley from campus (a distance of approximately a mile), I ironically realized something about mass transit.
In Connecticut (from whence I hail), there are only three reasons to EVER ride the bus. One, you're too young to drive. Two, you're too old and fucked up to drive. Three, you're a bum. Back home it was VERY rare to see someone on the bus other than the driver that didn't fall into one or more of those three categories. Occasionally you'd have the businessman that recently got into a car accident or had his transmission take a shit on him and catch him at a financially vulnerable time, so he doesn't have money to get a rental or whatever, and thus takes the bus. But those guys are like freakin' ninjas - they're not trying to be seen on the bus.
However, all that said, in New York (where I'm at and hope to stay), it's weird as shit to drive. I mean, a ton of people do it still, but there are a couple of things that make people not want to drive. One, drivers in New York are ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CRAZY. Magnify whatever stereotypes or jokes you've heard about crazy drivers in New York by like 10 and you'll be about 1% of the way there. Another, the mass transit system is SUPER legit (as long as you know where you're going and how to get there).
But there ARE still bums on the bus. Yay for similarities
These are the things I think about on the walk back to Henley haha
Stay classy
In Connecticut (from whence I hail), there are only three reasons to EVER ride the bus. One, you're too young to drive. Two, you're too old and fucked up to drive. Three, you're a bum. Back home it was VERY rare to see someone on the bus other than the driver that didn't fall into one or more of those three categories. Occasionally you'd have the businessman that recently got into a car accident or had his transmission take a shit on him and catch him at a financially vulnerable time, so he doesn't have money to get a rental or whatever, and thus takes the bus. But those guys are like freakin' ninjas - they're not trying to be seen on the bus.
However, all that said, in New York (where I'm at and hope to stay), it's weird as shit to drive. I mean, a ton of people do it still, but there are a couple of things that make people not want to drive. One, drivers in New York are ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CRAZY. Magnify whatever stereotypes or jokes you've heard about crazy drivers in New York by like 10 and you'll be about 1% of the way there. Another, the mass transit system is SUPER legit (as long as you know where you're going and how to get there).
But there ARE still bums on the bus. Yay for similarities
These are the things I think about on the walk back to Henley haha
Stay classy
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
BULLSHIT
Readership, currently my roommate and Xbox LIVE running mate Waffles is on the phone with some cunt-ticklin' customer service team for this wireless router he just got for the room (because the wireless here sucks donkey penis). You know how when you call customer service they always put you on hold, and there's this like montage of bullshit about their company and how awesome they are, complete with "motivational" music and shit? Well that's the part he was at about a minute ago. For like twenty minutes.
He turned to me mid-shit and said "they just said some shit about 'award-winning customer service.'"
And then we both said....
"BULLSHIT."
Stay classy
He turned to me mid-shit and said "they just said some shit about 'award-winning customer service.'"
And then we both said....
"BULLSHIT."
Stay classy
"Do Not Attempt"
Readership, the advertisement agencies of America are retarded - either that, or they think that the average American is retarded (and according to the first paragraph of this, they're ALMOST right). Allow me to explain.
This mainly applies to advertisements on television, usually car commercials, but basically any commercial with anything completely ridiculous included in it. For the car commercials, you see the car in question driving around, maybe at a speed slightly higher than the speed limit, but otherwise doing some normal-ass shit. Like the car will drive around a corner in a deserted intersection, and on the bottom in letters that almost perfectly blend in to the background, it says "Do not attempt."
Well what the fuck? Am I supposed to just drive in a straight line all the damn time, hoping that somebody hits me while I cross through the intersection, so I can turn and get on my merry way? Or is it that you're talking about not attempting to corner in a deserted intersection during what's obviously early afternoon (based on shadows and whatnot), meaning that there would be cars all over the fucking place? Because if THAT'S your concern, then shit, you got me. I was totally planning on KILLING EVERYBODY so I could just drive through fucking intersections all day and night.
And then there's the fact that you almost have to be looking at it with a magnifying glass connected to some kind of super military goggles to even SEE the damn "Do not attempt" at the bottom. It's almost like these bastards WANT us to attempt it, but just in case we do and fuckin' KILL OURSELVES, they can have their lawyers point to the bottom of the screen and say "Ahem . . . 'do not attempt.' Not our fault." Freakin' retarded.
The ones that get to me the most though, are in the recent batch of Toyota commercials. The formula for these commercials is as follows: a beat-up, piece of shit, budget-ass car gets grabbed up by some fuckin' Transformers-esque metal claw, and then a sparkly brand-new Toyota drops from the piece of shit's chassis onto the pavement, much to the surprise and joy of the owner.
But along the bottom of the screen it says "Do not attempt."
OH REALLY! Because shit, I was JUST thinking of calling up OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME to lend me his crane claw thing so I could pick up this piece of shit car and have a BRAND NEW BLUE TOYOTA COROLLA DROP OUT.
I mean seriously? How can you even FATHOM an attempt at something like that? Who has the means to even USE a crane like that? First off you need to have access to the crane and the know-how to use it. And then there's the whole BRAND NEW CAR DROPPING OUT OF A PIECE OF SHIT thing. There are these things called THE LAWS OF PHYSICS that prevent shit like that from ever happening.
Ridiculous.
Stay classy
This mainly applies to advertisements on television, usually car commercials, but basically any commercial with anything completely ridiculous included in it. For the car commercials, you see the car in question driving around, maybe at a speed slightly higher than the speed limit, but otherwise doing some normal-ass shit. Like the car will drive around a corner in a deserted intersection, and on the bottom in letters that almost perfectly blend in to the background, it says "Do not attempt."
Well what the fuck? Am I supposed to just drive in a straight line all the damn time, hoping that somebody hits me while I cross through the intersection, so I can turn and get on my merry way? Or is it that you're talking about not attempting to corner in a deserted intersection during what's obviously early afternoon (based on shadows and whatnot), meaning that there would be cars all over the fucking place? Because if THAT'S your concern, then shit, you got me. I was totally planning on KILLING EVERYBODY so I could just drive through fucking intersections all day and night.
And then there's the fact that you almost have to be looking at it with a magnifying glass connected to some kind of super military goggles to even SEE the damn "Do not attempt" at the bottom. It's almost like these bastards WANT us to attempt it, but just in case we do and fuckin' KILL OURSELVES, they can have their lawyers point to the bottom of the screen and say "Ahem . . . 'do not attempt.' Not our fault." Freakin' retarded.
The ones that get to me the most though, are in the recent batch of Toyota commercials. The formula for these commercials is as follows: a beat-up, piece of shit, budget-ass car gets grabbed up by some fuckin' Transformers-esque metal claw, and then a sparkly brand-new Toyota drops from the piece of shit's chassis onto the pavement, much to the surprise and joy of the owner.
But along the bottom of the screen it says "Do not attempt."
OH REALLY! Because shit, I was JUST thinking of calling up OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME to lend me his crane claw thing so I could pick up this piece of shit car and have a BRAND NEW BLUE TOYOTA COROLLA DROP OUT.
I mean seriously? How can you even FATHOM an attempt at something like that? Who has the means to even USE a crane like that? First off you need to have access to the crane and the know-how to use it. And then there's the whole BRAND NEW CAR DROPPING OUT OF A PIECE OF SHIT thing. There are these things called THE LAWS OF PHYSICS that prevent shit like that from ever happening.
Ridiculous.
Stay classy
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