The Fall of Man . . .

. . . will start with Vagina. Now, I'm sorry for all my female readers, and please don't get it twisted: I like Vaginas. One might go so far as to say I love them. But Vaginas will be the cause of the fall of man. Evidence? Oh I've got plenty.

First off, provided by Waffles: Go to Google Images. Type in "Fall of Man" (sans quotes). Hit enter. What do you see? Just in case you're a lazy fuck, click here.

What is this? It's a painting of Adam and Eve. Eve's being all sexy and whatnot, trying to convince Adam to eat the fruit of the tree, fruit that God expressly forbade them both to eat. The conversation probably went a little something like this:

Eve: Mmmm! Eat this, this shit's bangin' as fuck!
Adam: Nah, babe, God told us not to. Chill.
Eve: C'monnn, please? For me?
Adam: Baby, God said not to, and I kinda like it here, so no.
Eve: Listen motherfucker, you're gonna eat this apple or you're never gonna get any pussy outta me ever again!
Adam: Fiiiiine . . .
GOD: WHAT THE FUCK I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT THAT! GET THE FUCK UP OUT MA GARDEN FOOLS! AND YOU'RE BOTH NEKKID!
Adam: Dammit bitch!
etc.

It started before there was even more than one Vagina in the entire world! And now that there are so many more, I shudder when I wonder how much longer we'll last. Because the fact of the matter is, women don't need dicks to survive and be happy in the same way that guys need Vaginas to do the same, and although not all of them know it, enough of them DO know to pose a slight problem. I mean, don't get it wrong, I completely agree with Eddie Murphy on the subject of how much chicks love sex. To paraphrase: "There is not one woman that would say no to a nice stiff one in her if it were offered right now." I mean, I'm sure even nuns get the urge to get a dick in 'em every now and then, but they're just better at mastering the urge than the rest of the women of the world.

You want a more modern example? Look at Oprah. Oprah is a very successful, very wealthy, very intelligent woman, and depending on who you ask, she's even mildly attractive. That said, what's up with Stedman? He's not getting ANY action (out of Oprah, anyway). You know why? Because Oprah has achieved what I like to call Antipenis Actualization(tm). She has come to the conclusion that as a successful, wealthy, intelligent and (depending on who you ask) mildly attractive woman, that she does not NEED dick to be happy.

And this realization, the act of Antipenis Actualization(tm), is dangerous - ESPECIALLY because the main proponent of Antipenis Actualization(tm) is Oprah. To quote Gin Rummy (of "Boondocks" fame): "Oprah Winfrey taps directly into the emotions, beliefs, buying habits and summer reading patterns of billions of women all over the world. Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste to entire industries with a mere utterance. She's a completely invincible unstoppable force of nature."

With a leader such as this, a serious, legitimate threat of female uprising is entirely possible.

Men of the world: not to be vulgar, but please fuck your women. Do 'em well. Cuz if you don't, they might turn to Oprah. And then, dear sirs, WE will be fucked.

And as my dear friend Waffles said: ({}) will be the Fall of Man.

Think about it.

And please, whatever you do.

Stay classy

Worst Job EVER , , ,

. . . HAS to be a job as the guy who types shit for the closed captioning system . . . for stand-up comedy specials. Like having to type out the punchline to a funny-ass joke while laughing your ass off. That's gotta freakin' suck.

Yup. These are the things I think about when I haven't slept in a day.

Stay classy

A Little Retrospective

Hey all. As my first year of college life comes to a close, I thought I'd reflect on it a little here.

This has DEFINITELY been a year for the books. I fell in love, I fought for love, and I lost it. I met people, made friends, lost friends, made new ones BECAUSE I lost those ones, and finally figured out who my true friends were. I fought people for reasons that were so ridiculous that, looking back, I have to wonder what the fuck we were thinking. I've learned a hell of a lot, both from classes and from people - and the stuff I learned from people was pretty disconcerting and disillusioned the everloving shit out of me.

This year has made me question a lot of things that I thought I'd never have to question, about life, people, and myself. Through all the bullshit, all the bickering and fighting, and all the wondering what in the fuck was going on, I'm still standing on the other side (well, actually sorta lying down. But you know what I mean).

And now I'm happy. And the summer's coming up. And then next year I'll be moving in amongst a bunch of pissed-off soccer moms and old folks who will be pissed that the Henley Road building is finally gonna be occupied.

And I'll have fun.

But above all, the one thing I'll do?

Like you even have to ask.

Stay classy

The Shower Effect

Hey all. Today I realized something that I've actually known for quite some time, but I guess I needed a near-death experience relating to it in order to throw up a jount about it on this "blog." Let me lay it out as it happened.

I woke up today at 6:50. My roommate is kind of an asshole and wakes up needlessly at around 6:30 every day, then promptly opens his laptop and blasts Paramore and Slipknot, among other things (mostly "bands" that I've never heard of nor care to know of). So I was barely conscious - but conscious nonetheless - from around 6:50 to 11:10. At 11:10, I decided it was time to get out of bed and shower and get ready for Theories of Personality at 12:10 (where I am now . . . bored).

So I get into the shower, and within the first few minutes I fall asleep. What seems like three seconds later, I wake up suddenly and uncomfortably - but I don't know why. Two seconds later, it becomes all too apparent.

I had farted.

Now let's examine the physics of this. While a fart in the shower seems to be much more powerful than a non-shower fart, this is wrong. According to Facts on Farts, the high humidity and temperature in the shower naturally heightens our sense of smell (and taste . . . yuck), thus creating the illusion of a smellier fart. In addition, the fact that the shower is such a small, enclosed space, and the fact that the humid air circulates much more quickly through the shower stall than it would through a larger space - for example, a classroom - adds to the speed and "oomph" that the smell hits your nostrils, cutting the time delay from poot to first sniff from around 20-30 seconds to around 10.

On an interesting (and very serious) side note, the Shower Effect works on stuff other than farts . . . such as marijuana. In complete seriousness - NEVER. EVER. SMOKE BUD. IN THE SHOWER. True story: my friend knew this kid who was smoking pot at his house alone, when his parents suddenly came home early and wanted to bring him out somewhere. Freaking out, the kid stripped naked - still smoking - and jumped in the shower, turned it on (hot) and pretended to take a shower, while still smoking his pot.

Three hours later, his parents found him passed the fuck out in the shower, naked as the day he was born - with his weed - shower water (now freezing cold) hitting him full in the face.

So yeah. Don't fart or smoke in the shower. And whatever you do, DON'T do both.

But what you SHOULD do is . . .

Stay classy

Something I've Noticed Lately

Hey all. I realized a week or so ago that, in the first post of this "blog," that I said that I would be writing about "what the hell?" moments. Most of the "what the hell?" things that I've seen and/or heard since this thing's inception in September of 2008 have naturally lent themselves to some kind of humorous analysis. The point I'm trying to make is, I promised some funny shit and for the most part, I'd like to think I delivered (I at LEAST got you to chuckle . . . didn't I?).

Anyway.

These past few months, I've noticed that I've been slipping in snippets of what I'm going through personally. It started with The Cold, then became slightly less metaphorical with The Loose Rug of Life, then back to being all philosophical with The Question of Why, then to vaguely specific with You Can't Make This Shit Up and Life is Good . . ., and then a spree from the end of March to early April where I was just lost.

Whew.

That said, I just want to apologize to anyone who's been reading all this shit and thinking "Enough of this depressing bullshit! Get to the [somewhat] funny already ya damn slacker!" I'll get back to that ASAP, but I just wanna give one more personal update.

I'm happy now, and things that were fucked up are cool now, and whatever it is that's fucked up now, I really don't give two shits about it. At all. I have an amazing girlfriend, Rebecca (aka R 'n R, aka Crazy Munchkin, aka Lil Menace), I finally know who my friends are, school's almost out, it's getting warm and nice outside . . . shit's looking up.

So yeah. [What I hope is] Funny shall recommence shortly.

In the meantime, dear readership . . .

Stay classy

I Lied . . .

"I dunno. Fuck it. Shit'll be fine in a few weeks."

I lied. I think things are pretty sweet right now :)

Stay classy

The More Things Change . . .

. . . the more I wonder what the hell happened. I'm starting to feel like I'm about five years behind on the realization that people are . . . interesting, to keep things positive. Whenever I try to explain this revelation to people they either seem sympathetic or in essence say something like "duh."

So all that shit aside, yeah . . . the more things change, the more I wonder what the hell happened. Shit was never perfect, per se - and it never is - but it was peaceful. Genuinely peaceful, because shit's relatively peaceful now too, but it's like . . . I dunno. I feel like someone could sneeze and we'd all be called to arms again. And if it has to be like that, so be it, cuz I'm so sick of this shit that a fight to end it would be a worthy cause, in all honesty . . . but I'd definitely rather not have it come to that.

I mean, it's stupid shit, really. People saying one thing when there's no one around, and then the exact opposite when other people are there, and then the first thing again when they leave. Why do you let other people define who you are? You were fine as you were . . . you made it here without them fine, didn't you? So what the fuck?

I feel like I've learned more about people in these two semesters than at any other time in my life, and I'm really not sure that's a good thing. Of course, it means I have a deeper understanding of people and whatnot. But what about all the people observations I've made and held to be true up until now? What do those mean, if I'm completely thrown for a fucking loop so effortlessly by people now? Makes me question some things that I thought I wouldn't ever have to question. Blehhh.

Whatever.

I dunno. I know it's stupid that I'm stressin' about this shit. But like when I look at how shit was and compare it to how shit's been and how it's looking right about now, I have to wonder . . . what the fuck happened?

I dunno. Fuck it. Shit'll be fine in a few weeks.

In the meantime, dear readership . . .

Stay classy

Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 3

Oh yes, I'm back YET AGAIN with an installment of the only regular gripe I seem to have on this blog (if you can call it a blog), that being people saying absolutely ridiculously stupid shit.

First off, "needless to say." I hate that phrase with a fierce and fiery passion that burns in the pit of my soul. Because the only three possible types of things that can come after someone says "needless to say" are:

1. Something PAINFULLY obvious
2. Something that leads them off to a tangent that a) takes a half an hour to explain and b) you DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
3. Something that really DIDN'T NEED TO BE SAID.

I mean, if even YOU are acknowledging that what you're about to say doesn't NEED to be said, then why the hell are we even having this discussion? That's like a hemophiliac pressing a loaded gun to his thigh and saying "y'know, this is gonna hurt like the fucking dickens, and will probably kill me," and then pulling the trigger anyway. What the hell kinda sense does that make? Can you say "bottled water?" Sure you can.

If you can speak English, anyway.

Secondly, is "ftw." For some strange reason this has infected me and I've used it in conversation twice in the past two hours, but I assure you this will stop. For those who don't know what "ftw" means (aka smart people), it's a bullshit IM acronym that stands for "For the win." To properly use "ftw," you need to follow a formula that goes a little like this: "(something that's either awesome in and of itself or something that perpetuated something awesome) ftw." For example, a conversation where I (shamefully!) used this stupidass acronym is below.

This is an actual AIM conversation between me and a friend. I've changed the screen names to protect myself and said friend. I'm in red. The context was two songs by "The Lonely Island" playing in a row:

i'm a rican90 (1:01:47 AM): holy shitttt

i'm a rican90 (1:01:49 AM): back to back?

i'm a rican90 (1:01:56 AM): this is totally on shuffle

crazymunchkin (1:02:01 AM): its an Easter miracle!

i'm a rican90 (1:02:01 AM): itunes ftw

It's fucking stupid! Saying "For the win" implies that there was some kind of competition involved, but I'm pretty sure in 99.99999% of the applications of "ftw" there is absolutely no such thing! Stop saying that shit, you're influencing smarter people than you and dumbing us all down! Assholes!

Lastly, I HATE when people misuse "bitchass" and make it out to be a good thing. Apparently outside the tri-state area it's cool to be bitchass, but in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, bitchass is NOT COOL. Next person who calls me bitchass and genuinely thinks it's a compliment is gonna get beaten with a stick until near dead.

Happy Easter!

Stay classy

I KNOW HOW TO CATCH OSAMA

Okay. So me, Waldy, and Okneje just got into a discussion about the War in Iraq and the potentiality of war with North Korea and whether or not China would join in, and how that could affect the fight. Basically, the sorta shit you talk about at 2:30 in the fucking morning when you can't sleep and you're listening to Colbert talk about the war and shit.

In doing so, we realized something - Osama can be caught, and it's so simple that I can't believe we haven't thought about that shit. Let me lay it out as we figured it out.

Who is the one group of people that no mortal man can ever hide from? This group has been finding the most hide-and-seek-ass muthafuckas in the world for the past 147 years. 147 YEARS! Who is this group?

The Internal Revenue Service. Name one man - ONE MAN - that's EVER been able to hide from the IRS. I say, pull out the CIA agents looking for his 6'7" turban-rockin' bitchass and helo-drop some IRS agents. They'll find his punk ass in like twenty minutes, ESPECIALLY with all the child support his smelly kidney-disease-havin' ass has failed to pay these last twenty years.

Trust me. It would work.

Stay classy

Dentist Visits are Awkward as Fuck

Hey everybody. I went to the dentist this morning (at 8 freakin' AM) for an appointment, and I realized something which - given the average stand-up comedian's propensity to make at least one joke about being at the dentist - should have been obvious to me from the start.

Being in the midst of a dental exam is probably one of the most awkward experiences in the average person's life. I'd say it ranks up there with meeting your ex's new boy/girl . . . or walking into a room full of people who were talking about you mere seconds prior to your entrance. Allow me to explain.

There are two types of dentists: talky and non-talky. If you have a talky dentist, they're going to be chattering away the entire time you're laid out with your mouth propped open into a gaping silent scream by metal hooks slipped under your lips. The whole "mouth propped open into a gaping silent scream by metal hooks slipped under your lips while in the presence of someone with sharp metal shit" thing is awkward enough, but when your talky dentist gets the bright idea to try to involve you in the conversation, and starts asking you questions, shit goes from mild-awkward to waking-up-after-a-night-of-drinking-and-finding-your-cousin-naked-next-to-you-in-bed-and-your-parents-standing-in-the-doorway-with-appalled-looks-on-their-faces awkward.

Because now you have to answer their question (it's only polite), and I dunno about you, but when my mouth is gaped open in a silent scream and there's some dude wearing a face mask and goggles and holding a sharp metal hook asking me questions, I find it a little hard to get my point across.

And then there's the whole timing issue. Talky dentists have this annoying habit of asking you a question WHILE cleaning your teeth, but not STOPPING to let you have a couple seconds to answer. So they'll ask you something and keep right on doing their "I'm a dentist" thing in silence (which is awkward), waiting for you to answer - but you can't because they're doing their "I'm a dentist" thing. Then when they finally take a break, you quickly blurt out whatever answer you've been formulating for the past five minutes, and they're just staring at you, "I'm a dentist" instruments sort of awkwardly hovering above your head, as they wait for you to shut the hell up and open your mouth up so they can keep doing their "I'm a dentist" thing. This in turn puts you in a Catch-22, because you feel like an asshole if you don't answer them, but when you DO answer them, you STILL feel like an asshole because they seem to just be waiting for you to finish talking so they can get on with their "I'm a dentist" thing - but you don't want to give too short and insubstantial of an answer because then you'll feel like an asshole AGAIN because you think that THEY'LL think you didn't find their question interesting or important.

Whew.

Secondly, there's the non-talky variety of dentist. It's really hard to tell which is more awkward, but if I had to choose I'd pick non-talky, and I'll tell you why. The non-talky dentist smiles, asks how you've been, etc. etc., then tells you to take a seat and puts on the goggles and face mask. As soon as that happens, the next half an hour or so is dead silent. The non-talky dentist is smart because he knows that if he's gonna be asking you questions he's gonna have to stop in order for you to answer, and he doesn't wanna stop, he wants to get through your examination and move on with his day. However, due to his lack of conversation, the perception of time for both of you seems to slow because the only sounds you hear are the sharp metal hooks attacking the everloving shit out of your gums, so non-talky dentist can look at you like you're a bad little kid and tell you that you need to brush better so your gums don't bleed (gee, and here I was thinking they were bleeding because of that SHARP METAL FUCKING HOOK that you keep digging into them with).

So you're looking around the room trying to find something interesting to stare at, but your eyes keep wandering back to your gaping silent scream's reflection in non-talky dentist's goggles - until you realize that if you refocus and look past the reflection, you're staring right into his eyes, which is then awkward for both of you.

In short, dentist visits are awkward. Pretty much all the time. There's really no way around it.

Well, except not to go. But then when your teeth are falling out and you have to go to get fake teeth, it'll be doubly awkward, because you'll have to explain why you never went to the dentist, and then you'll have to admit that you read this hunk of shit I call a blog.

And then you'll just look like an idiot.

Man the fuck up and go to the dentist! And keep reading!

And whatever you do . . .

Stay classy

Oh Sweet Black Baby Jesus, Not Again

Don'tcha just LOVE when shit that is supposed to have been resolved and put safely in the past comes back up again, doubly strong, doubly stupid, and doubly frustrating (for all parties)?

Well fuck you then. I absolutely HATE that shit.

Fucking ridiculous

Stay classy