Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 3

Oh yes, I'm back YET AGAIN with an installment of the only regular gripe I seem to have on this blog (if you can call it a blog), that being people saying absolutely ridiculously stupid shit.

First off, "needless to say." I hate that phrase with a fierce and fiery passion that burns in the pit of my soul. Because the only three possible types of things that can come after someone says "needless to say" are:

1. Something PAINFULLY obvious
2. Something that leads them off to a tangent that a) takes a half an hour to explain and b) you DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
3. Something that really DIDN'T NEED TO BE SAID.

I mean, if even YOU are acknowledging that what you're about to say doesn't NEED to be said, then why the hell are we even having this discussion? That's like a hemophiliac pressing a loaded gun to his thigh and saying "y'know, this is gonna hurt like the fucking dickens, and will probably kill me," and then pulling the trigger anyway. What the hell kinda sense does that make? Can you say "bottled water?" Sure you can.

If you can speak English, anyway.

Secondly, is "ftw." For some strange reason this has infected me and I've used it in conversation twice in the past two hours, but I assure you this will stop. For those who don't know what "ftw" means (aka smart people), it's a bullshit IM acronym that stands for "For the win." To properly use "ftw," you need to follow a formula that goes a little like this: "(something that's either awesome in and of itself or something that perpetuated something awesome) ftw." For example, a conversation where I (shamefully!) used this stupidass acronym is below.

This is an actual AIM conversation between me and a friend. I've changed the screen names to protect myself and said friend. I'm in red. The context was two songs by "The Lonely Island" playing in a row:

i'm a rican90 (1:01:47 AM): holy shitttt

i'm a rican90 (1:01:49 AM): back to back?

i'm a rican90 (1:01:56 AM): this is totally on shuffle

crazymunchkin (1:02:01 AM): its an Easter miracle!

i'm a rican90 (1:02:01 AM): itunes ftw

It's fucking stupid! Saying "For the win" implies that there was some kind of competition involved, but I'm pretty sure in 99.99999% of the applications of "ftw" there is absolutely no such thing! Stop saying that shit, you're influencing smarter people than you and dumbing us all down! Assholes!

Lastly, I HATE when people misuse "bitchass" and make it out to be a good thing. Apparently outside the tri-state area it's cool to be bitchass, but in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, bitchass is NOT COOL. Next person who calls me bitchass and genuinely thinks it's a compliment is gonna get beaten with a stick until near dead.

Happy Easter!

Stay classy