Dentist Visits are Awkward as Fuck

Hey everybody. I went to the dentist this morning (at 8 freakin' AM) for an appointment, and I realized something which - given the average stand-up comedian's propensity to make at least one joke about being at the dentist - should have been obvious to me from the start.

Being in the midst of a dental exam is probably one of the most awkward experiences in the average person's life. I'd say it ranks up there with meeting your ex's new boy/girl . . . or walking into a room full of people who were talking about you mere seconds prior to your entrance. Allow me to explain.

There are two types of dentists: talky and non-talky. If you have a talky dentist, they're going to be chattering away the entire time you're laid out with your mouth propped open into a gaping silent scream by metal hooks slipped under your lips. The whole "mouth propped open into a gaping silent scream by metal hooks slipped under your lips while in the presence of someone with sharp metal shit" thing is awkward enough, but when your talky dentist gets the bright idea to try to involve you in the conversation, and starts asking you questions, shit goes from mild-awkward to waking-up-after-a-night-of-drinking-and-finding-your-cousin-naked-next-to-you-in-bed-and-your-parents-standing-in-the-doorway-with-appalled-looks-on-their-faces awkward.

Because now you have to answer their question (it's only polite), and I dunno about you, but when my mouth is gaped open in a silent scream and there's some dude wearing a face mask and goggles and holding a sharp metal hook asking me questions, I find it a little hard to get my point across.

And then there's the whole timing issue. Talky dentists have this annoying habit of asking you a question WHILE cleaning your teeth, but not STOPPING to let you have a couple seconds to answer. So they'll ask you something and keep right on doing their "I'm a dentist" thing in silence (which is awkward), waiting for you to answer - but you can't because they're doing their "I'm a dentist" thing. Then when they finally take a break, you quickly blurt out whatever answer you've been formulating for the past five minutes, and they're just staring at you, "I'm a dentist" instruments sort of awkwardly hovering above your head, as they wait for you to shut the hell up and open your mouth up so they can keep doing their "I'm a dentist" thing. This in turn puts you in a Catch-22, because you feel like an asshole if you don't answer them, but when you DO answer them, you STILL feel like an asshole because they seem to just be waiting for you to finish talking so they can get on with their "I'm a dentist" thing - but you don't want to give too short and insubstantial of an answer because then you'll feel like an asshole AGAIN because you think that THEY'LL think you didn't find their question interesting or important.

Whew.

Secondly, there's the non-talky variety of dentist. It's really hard to tell which is more awkward, but if I had to choose I'd pick non-talky, and I'll tell you why. The non-talky dentist smiles, asks how you've been, etc. etc., then tells you to take a seat and puts on the goggles and face mask. As soon as that happens, the next half an hour or so is dead silent. The non-talky dentist is smart because he knows that if he's gonna be asking you questions he's gonna have to stop in order for you to answer, and he doesn't wanna stop, he wants to get through your examination and move on with his day. However, due to his lack of conversation, the perception of time for both of you seems to slow because the only sounds you hear are the sharp metal hooks attacking the everloving shit out of your gums, so non-talky dentist can look at you like you're a bad little kid and tell you that you need to brush better so your gums don't bleed (gee, and here I was thinking they were bleeding because of that SHARP METAL FUCKING HOOK that you keep digging into them with).

So you're looking around the room trying to find something interesting to stare at, but your eyes keep wandering back to your gaping silent scream's reflection in non-talky dentist's goggles - until you realize that if you refocus and look past the reflection, you're staring right into his eyes, which is then awkward for both of you.

In short, dentist visits are awkward. Pretty much all the time. There's really no way around it.

Well, except not to go. But then when your teeth are falling out and you have to go to get fake teeth, it'll be doubly awkward, because you'll have to explain why you never went to the dentist, and then you'll have to admit that you read this hunk of shit I call a blog.

And then you'll just look like an idiot.

Man the fuck up and go to the dentist! And keep reading!

And whatever you do . . .

Stay classy