Hey, in the spirit of the season, here's a gift from me to you. This is an actual conversation over AIM between two of my suitemates. And for all you creepers out there (ha as if anyone but my girlfriend and A-Ham reads this), I've changed their screen names. So don't try to IM them. Creepy bastards.
Anyway, enjoy, and have a safe and happy holiday. See you in the '09 bitches!
Stay classy,
-Fred the Observer
MrJuicy51 (9:21:46 PM): *grenade to the eye*
PoorRican12 (9:21:57 PM): *throws eye out the window*
MrJuicy51 (9:22:18 PM): why?
PoorRican12 (9:22:34 PM): cuz my eye had a grenade on it
MrJuicy51 (9:22:44 PM): oh it was a sticky
PoorRican12 (9:22:50 PM): spiker actually
MrJuicy51 (9:22:57 PM): ooooo
MrJuicy51 (9:23:03 PM): that had to hurt
PoorRican12 (9:23:05 PM): yea
PoorRican12 (9:23:07 PM): it did
MrJuicy51 (9:23:19 PM): did ur eye blow up
PoorRican12 (9:23:22 PM): i think so
PoorRican12 (9:23:29 PM): i gotta get a new one
MrJuicy51 (9:23:52 PM): good luck
PoorRican12 (9:23:55 PM): thanks
MrJuicy51 (9:24:03 PM): just take one of rays
PoorRican12 (9:24:08 PM): *cuts u in half w sword*
MrJuicy51 (9:24:19 PM): im dead
PoorRican12 (9:24:22 PM): yea u r
MrJuicy51 (9:24:37 PM): i got to get the super glue
PoorRican12 (9:24:48 PM): somehow\
MrJuicy51 (9:25:22 PM): *heat seeking missle to big toe*
PoorRican12 (9:25:34 PM): throws a heater at u
PoorRican12 (9:25:37 PM): i win
MrJuicy51 (9:26:10 PM): but im in antartica in an igloo cover with a bubble shield
PoorRican12 (9:26:29 PM): then ur safe
MrJuicy51 (9:26:35 PM): good
MrJuicy51 (9:27:36 PM): *napalm to right bicep*
PoorRican12 (9:27:55 PM): *instant transmission*
PoorRican12 (9:28:00 PM): *behind u*
MrJuicy51 (9:28:10 PM): fuck!!!!
PoorRican12 (9:28:13 PM): fss fss fss fss fsss
MrJuicy51 (9:28:23 PM): dam u
PoorRican12 (9:28:32 PM): =)
MrJuicy51 (9:28:43 PM): but i had over shield
PoorRican12 (9:28:48 PM): fss fss fss fss
PoorRican12 (9:28:55 PM): fsssssssssssssssss
MrJuicy51 (9:28:56 PM): no im already gone
PoorRican12 (9:29:07 PM): my knife is long
MrJuicy51 (9:29:47 PM): ur in antartica and im in italy
PoorRican12 (9:29:55 PM): its really really really long
MrJuicy51C2(9:29:58 PM): theres no way u could hit me
PoorRican12 (9:30:32 PM): really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really reallyreally really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really
PoorRican12 (9:30:34 PM): really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really reallyreally really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really
PoorRican12 (9:30:36 PM): really really really really really really really really really really really really really20really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really reallyreally really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really
PoorRican12 (9:30:37 PM): long
MrJuicy51 (9:30:51 PM): but u hv no acuracy and missed
PoorRican12 (9:30:58 PM): no ididnt
PoorRican12 (9:31:06 PM): its 10272185157211847651 feet wide
MrJuicy51 (9:32:26 PM): but its a straight knife so its in outer space
PoorRican12 (9:32:49 PM): i hit the moon
PoorRican12 (9:32:56 PM): and it crashed into italy
MrJuicy51 (9:33:15 PM): nNOOOOOOO
MrJuicy51 (9:33:20 PM): FACK U
PoorRican12 (9:33:23 PM): u cant talk
PoorRican12 (9:33:24 PM): ur dead
MrJuicy51 (9:33:37 PM): no im not
PoorRican12 (9:33:40 PM): yea
PoorRican12 (9:33:42 PM): yea u r
MrJuicy51 (9:34:15 PM): *instant transmission*
MrJuicy51 (9:34:19 PM): ur dead
PoorRican12 (9:34:23 PM): u already died
PoorRican12 (9:34:40 PM): u cant post mortem instant transmission
MrJuicy51 (9:35:43 PM): i did it before the moon crashed
PoorRican12 (9:35:50 PM): no u didnt
PoorRican12 (9:35:54 PM): i SAW
PoorRican12 (9:36:05 PM): i have reallystrong binoculars
PoorRican12 (9:36:14 PM): that reflect off of satellites
MrJuicy51 (9:36:25 PM): how could u see me when i was killing u already
PoorRican12 (9:36:30 PM): u werent
PoorRican12 (9:36:36 PM): u were in italy
MrJuicy51 (9:36:40 PM): yeah ur dead right now
PoorRican12 (9:36:41 PM): and i was in antarctica
PoorRican12 (9:36:47 PM): im not dead
PoorRican12 (9:36:48 PM): u r
PoorRican12 (9:36:54 PM): i crashed the moon on u
PoorRican12 (9:36:57 PM): ur dead
MrJuicy51 (9:36:58 PM): no ur confused cause ur dead
PoorRican12 (9:37:01 PM): no
PoorRican12 (9:37:03 PM): im alive
PoorRican12 (9:37:10 PM): and talkin 2 a ghost
MrJuicy51 (9:37:43 PM): NO
PoorRican12 (9:37:46 PM): yea
PoorRican12 (9:37:49 PM): i win
PoorRican12 (9:37:53 PM): I WIN
PoorRican12 (9:37:55 PM): SHUT UP
MrJuicy51 (9:37:57 PM): then were both dead
PoorRican12 (9:38:00 PM): no
PoorRican12 (9:38:02 PM): i killed u
MrJuicy51 (9:38:04 PM): yeah
PoorRican12 (9:38:05 PM): i killed u
PoorRican12 (9:38:10 PM): u didnt kill me
PoorRican12 (9:38:14 PM): i killed u
MrJuicy51 (9:38:28 PM): u cant talk to the dead and neither can i so were either both alive or both dead
PoorRican12 (9:38:58 PM): nah psychics talk 2 the dead
PoorRican12 (9:38:59 PM): brb
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wrapping paper - Another WTF?
Hey there folks. I was just talking to my girlfriend about wrapping paper when it dawned on me: Wrapping paper is stupid. Now, I'm not talking drastically stupid - it's note quite at the "bottled water" level, but it's a little higher on the stupid scale than this. Why, you ask? Allow me to explain.
What do you do with wrapping paper? Obviously, you wrap shit with it, usually shit of the present variety (birthday, Chrismahanakwanzaka, etc.). But what's the very first thing you do when handed something wrapped up in wrapping paper? It's okay, just shout it out when you know it.
Yeah, that's right! YOU RIP THAT FUCKER APART! You tear that beautifully-wrapped, painstakingly-chosen wrapping paper to shreds, to get at the good stuff it's hiding from you. I mean, in the end it comes down to basic psychology: the box represents what you want, and the wrapping paper is an obstacle between you and what you want. So, your natural response is going to be to want to remove the obstacle, and as long as you have hands and/or teeth that work, that shouldn't be a problem for you.
Then there's the fact that depending on the age of the recipient and/or people involved in the wrapping of presents, the cardboard tube that the paper comes on can be more interesting and play-with-worthy than anything for which the paper that came on it is being used to wrap up. It's the same with boxes - buy the little shmuck a baby swing and he'll delight way more in goofing off in the box than swinging on that lame ass swing. It's a fact.
Whew.
I just want two things noted, however. One, that none of this is a product of any bitterness that I might be feeling because my dad just popped me in the head with an empty wrapping paper tube (playfully!).
And two that there is one - and ONLY one - exception to this primal instinct, and that is this: if the wrapping paper is comprised of sheets of real, uncut $100 bills, you don't give two shits about what's in that box.
And you shouldn't.
Because it's probably a terrible Christmas sweater.
Stay classy. And have a safe and happy holiday.
What do you do with wrapping paper? Obviously, you wrap shit with it, usually shit of the present variety (birthday, Chrismahanakwanzaka, etc.). But what's the very first thing you do when handed something wrapped up in wrapping paper? It's okay, just shout it out when you know it.
Yeah, that's right! YOU RIP THAT FUCKER APART! You tear that beautifully-wrapped, painstakingly-chosen wrapping paper to shreds, to get at the good stuff it's hiding from you. I mean, in the end it comes down to basic psychology: the box represents what you want, and the wrapping paper is an obstacle between you and what you want. So, your natural response is going to be to want to remove the obstacle, and as long as you have hands and/or teeth that work, that shouldn't be a problem for you.
Then there's the fact that depending on the age of the recipient and/or people involved in the wrapping of presents, the cardboard tube that the paper comes on can be more interesting and play-with-worthy than anything for which the paper that came on it is being used to wrap up. It's the same with boxes - buy the little shmuck a baby swing and he'll delight way more in goofing off in the box than swinging on that lame ass swing. It's a fact.
Whew.
I just want two things noted, however. One, that none of this is a product of any bitterness that I might be feeling because my dad just popped me in the head with an empty wrapping paper tube (playfully!).
And two that there is one - and ONLY one - exception to this primal instinct, and that is this: if the wrapping paper is comprised of sheets of real, uncut $100 bills, you don't give two shits about what's in that box.
And you shouldn't.
Because it's probably a terrible Christmas sweater.
Stay classy. And have a safe and happy holiday.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit?
You know what I hate? When people ask stupid-ass, obvious-answer, "why-the-hell-would-you-ask-that" type questions, and/or when they say their statement counterparts ("stupid-ass, no-shit-Sherlock, 'why-the-hell-would-you-say-that'"). You know the ones I'm talking about - the ones that every action movie and "first-guy-on-the-scene-of-an-accident" absolutely HAS to say, but they're so obvious and stupid that it makes you want to grab a bat and pop 'em one upside the head.
For example, the classic question of "are you okay?" At least nine out of ten action movies have this in their scripts at least once, and whenever someone busts their ass in public, the first guy on the scene will either laugh himself silly or say this time-tested stupid-ass line. I mean, if I've just been shot by a freakin' terrorist and I'm bleeding profusely, putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding and not die, lying prone behind cover with an expression on my face that plainly states "OW THIS FUCKING HURTS LIKE A BITCH" and my gun is on the ground in a pool of my blood instead of in my hand delivering .45 caliber slugs of patriotism to those terrorist bastards, I'm gonna have to say -
NO, I'M NOT OKAY, ASSHOLE.
It's either "are you okay?" or "you're hurt." NO SHIT. What was your first clue, Einstein? Was it the liter or so of blood I've lost, or maybe the bullet hole in my shoulder, or maybe the screams of pain I've been hollering for the last five minutes?
How about you stop stating the obvious and give me a freakin' Band-Aid, douchebag?
Also, there's "run." I mean, shit - I'm glad SOMEONE knows the proper response when something dangerous/deadly/about to freakin' eat us/etc. starts moving towards us at an accelerated rate, and moreover, has the tactical fortitude to let us retards know what we should do. God FORBID something happens that requires me to make a speedy getaway and you're NOT there, because I'll almost certainly be royally screwed!
By the time your infinite wisdom lets you in on the fact that we're being chased and should probably vacate the premises, I'll be safe and sound at my house eating a sandwich and watching the high-speed chase on the news. Dumbass.
And then there's "hold on." Scenario time!
You and I are flying in a helicopter over the ocean, when suddenly there's an epic burst of turbulence. Simultaneously, the latch on the door somehow fails and I'm pitched out of the chopper. Due to my amazingly quick ninja reflexes, however, I'm able to twist around in midair and grab the landing ski-lookin' thingy on the bottom of the helicopter and avoid plummeting to my doom. You immediately reach down and try to pull me back up, but you can't reach my hand. The pilot, meanwhile, has decided to do something actually intelligent and lowers the helicopter closer to the water's surface, so that if I DO fall, I won't hit the water at a zillion miles per hour and die on impact. I look down at the water, however, and see that a group of sharks is swimming around below me, in one of those cliche only-fins-above-the-water circles that they apparently love to do. So, I'm dangling by my fingertips from an airborne helicopter, suspended over freezing-cold water (did I mention it's January and the ocean is the Atlantic?), with hungry-ass sharks circling around maybe five yards below me, and you get the bright idea to shout over the roar of the rotors "HOLD ON!" HOLY SHIT! If you hadn't reminded me, I might've just let go! Jesus Herbert CHRIST, man, you might've just saved my freakin' life!
Here's an idea: Why don't you just pull me into the damn chopper and shut the fuck up!?
Sigh.
People are kinda dumb sometimes.
Whatever.
Stay classy
For example, the classic question of "are you okay?" At least nine out of ten action movies have this in their scripts at least once, and whenever someone busts their ass in public, the first guy on the scene will either laugh himself silly or say this time-tested stupid-ass line. I mean, if I've just been shot by a freakin' terrorist and I'm bleeding profusely, putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding and not die, lying prone behind cover with an expression on my face that plainly states "OW THIS FUCKING HURTS LIKE A BITCH" and my gun is on the ground in a pool of my blood instead of in my hand delivering .45 caliber slugs of patriotism to those terrorist bastards, I'm gonna have to say -
NO, I'M NOT OKAY, ASSHOLE.
It's either "are you okay?" or "you're hurt." NO SHIT. What was your first clue, Einstein? Was it the liter or so of blood I've lost, or maybe the bullet hole in my shoulder, or maybe the screams of pain I've been hollering for the last five minutes?
How about you stop stating the obvious and give me a freakin' Band-Aid, douchebag?
Also, there's "run." I mean, shit - I'm glad SOMEONE knows the proper response when something dangerous/deadly/about to freakin' eat us/etc. starts moving towards us at an accelerated rate, and moreover, has the tactical fortitude to let us retards know what we should do. God FORBID something happens that requires me to make a speedy getaway and you're NOT there, because I'll almost certainly be royally screwed!
By the time your infinite wisdom lets you in on the fact that we're being chased and should probably vacate the premises, I'll be safe and sound at my house eating a sandwich and watching the high-speed chase on the news. Dumbass.
And then there's "hold on." Scenario time!
You and I are flying in a helicopter over the ocean, when suddenly there's an epic burst of turbulence. Simultaneously, the latch on the door somehow fails and I'm pitched out of the chopper. Due to my amazingly quick ninja reflexes, however, I'm able to twist around in midair and grab the landing ski-lookin' thingy on the bottom of the helicopter and avoid plummeting to my doom. You immediately reach down and try to pull me back up, but you can't reach my hand. The pilot, meanwhile, has decided to do something actually intelligent and lowers the helicopter closer to the water's surface, so that if I DO fall, I won't hit the water at a zillion miles per hour and die on impact. I look down at the water, however, and see that a group of sharks is swimming around below me, in one of those cliche only-fins-above-the-water circles that they apparently love to do. So, I'm dangling by my fingertips from an airborne helicopter, suspended over freezing-cold water (did I mention it's January and the ocean is the Atlantic?), with hungry-ass sharks circling around maybe five yards below me, and you get the bright idea to shout over the roar of the rotors "HOLD ON!" HOLY SHIT! If you hadn't reminded me, I might've just let go! Jesus Herbert CHRIST, man, you might've just saved my freakin' life!
Here's an idea: Why don't you just pull me into the damn chopper and shut the fuck up!?
Sigh.
People are kinda dumb sometimes.
Whatever.
Stay classy
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