Oh White People . . .

Note: This is not a racist post. Really. I have a lot of white friends - and a lot of Hispanic, black and Asian friends too. I don't hate, I just tell it like it is. If you know me, you know that whatever is said below has no racist malice behind it. And if you don't know me and/or think that this is some racist shit, fuck you. You, good sir/madame, can suck my dick. The following is just an observation about some typical white-people stuff. End of commercial!

Readership, I was watching the banginest sci-fi show on Fox ever (aka FRINGE. if you're not watching Fox on Thursday nights at 9pm Eastern on a weekly basis, GET ON IT), and the following scenario presented itself.

White guy, construction dude, goes back out to the site to get his gloves (because he forgot them). The gloves are next to a cornfield, and as soon as he picks up the gloves he sees the cornstalks moving by themselves, as though something's moving through them.

Let's pause for a moment here. Right now, this man has two choices. A) Grab gloves and run away, or B) Grab gloves and investigate these moving cornstalks. Someone with self-preservation in mind would choose option A without even the slightest bit of hesitation. But, white people being white people, he had to choose option B and investigate.

So, this guy chooses option B and goes to investigate. A few seconds later, he finds what seems to be four human fingers - which just happen to be metallic blue - sticking out of the ground.

Now, let's pause again right there. He's already made the wrong choice before, and now he is faced with a similar predicament. Option A) You've investigated, you could draw your own conclusions, you're still alive, you have your gloves, GET THE FUCK AWAY, or option B) Hmmm... I wanna shake its hand.

I'll give you two guesses as to which option he chose.

You really only need one though. Because if you're right, we're done, and if you're wrong, it's the other one, so it's really not a guess. But anyway.

So this guy decides "hey let's shake this (seemingly) dismembered hand that's stuck in the ground." And actually, it turns out that this seemingly dismembered hand is actually membered - that is, attached to someone - that someone being some FUCKING WEIRD METALLIC BLUE HALF-SCORPION/HALF-TWELVE-YEAR-OLD BOY MONSTER THING. Which sucks him under the ground and eats him.

With this experience safely under our belts (said experience being the witnessing of a white guy doing some stupid, "directly against my sense of self-preservation"-type shit), let us examine the modern horror movie.

We all know what happens, inevitably. The black man is ALWAYS the one to die first. Let's take a look at that really quick. Scenario time!

Four white people and their black friend are walking down the street, when it starts raining. Let me remind you that it is the month of November, and is thus quite cold, and the chances of getting seriously ill in the rainy outside world are quite high. The white male leader (cuz there's always one), scopes out an abandoned house down the road a ways, and says to his companions, "Hey gang, let's hole up in that abandoned house down the road, and get out of the rain." And immediately all of the white companions agree, "yeah, that's a good idea, we'll catch a cold out here in the rain."

Black guy's like "FUCKKKKKKKK that shit. Abandoned-ass house? You on some other shit my dude. I'm out."

In the examination of that scenario, we see that the black man is willing to risk pneumonia by staying out in the rain, instead of risking death by decapitation (or worse!) inside that creepy-ass abandoned house (which, as he thinks about it, definitely wasn't there yesterday). In this story, he makes it home, has a nice bowl of soup to warm himself up, and goes to bed. Then he wakes up the next morning and sees the news report that ALL OF HIS FRIENDS DIED in that dumbass abandoned house.

But see, that scenario doesn't exist in horror movies, and in fact, the black guy(s) only begin to think "what the fuck'm I doin' here, this is some white-people-type shit to do, I'm out!" once they're inside the creepy-ass house for a little bit. But, since the white people have been walking around in big-ass groups with flashlights and candles and their Green Day ringtones going off every time they get a "where you at?" text from their wannabe gangsta "homies" for the past hour or so, the crazy ax-wieldin', escaped-from-the-asylum, cut-you-up-and-stew-you murderer dude has already sealed the exits and is fixin' to EAT THEM. So it's too late.

So. In summation. Not saying that white people are dumb, or that they should die first in horror movies. I'm just sayin' that white people tend to do some questionable shit when it comes to "investigating" shit that doesn't seem safe at first glance, and then CONTINUE TO DO SO when they've all but ascertained the fact that THIS SHIT AIN'T SAFE.

And if after all of this, you still think this was a "white people are st00pid" post, then you must be white and talking about yourself. Think about it. Bitch.

Damn. I went in.

Stay classy