"Do Not Attempt"

Readership, the advertisement agencies of America are retarded - either that, or they think that the average American is retarded (and according to the first paragraph of this, they're ALMOST right). Allow me to explain.

This mainly applies to advertisements on television, usually car commercials, but basically any commercial with anything completely ridiculous included in it. For the car commercials, you see the car in question driving around, maybe at a speed slightly higher than the speed limit, but otherwise doing some normal-ass shit. Like the car will drive around a corner in a deserted intersection, and on the bottom in letters that almost perfectly blend in to the background, it says "Do not attempt."

Well what the fuck? Am I supposed to just drive in a straight line all the damn time, hoping that somebody hits me while I cross through the intersection, so I can turn and get on my merry way? Or is it that you're talking about not attempting to corner in a deserted intersection during what's obviously early afternoon (based on shadows and whatnot), meaning that there would be cars all over the fucking place? Because if THAT'S your concern, then shit, you got me. I was totally planning on KILLING EVERYBODY so I could just drive through fucking intersections all day and night.

And then there's the fact that you almost have to be looking at it with a magnifying glass connected to some kind of super military goggles to even SEE the damn "Do not attempt" at the bottom. It's almost like these bastards WANT us to attempt it, but just in case we do and fuckin' KILL OURSELVES, they can have their lawyers point to the bottom of the screen and say "Ahem . . . 'do not attempt.' Not our fault." Freakin' retarded.

The ones that get to me the most though, are in the recent batch of Toyota commercials. The formula for these commercials is as follows: a beat-up, piece of shit, budget-ass car gets grabbed up by some fuckin' Transformers-esque metal claw, and then a sparkly brand-new Toyota drops from the piece of shit's chassis onto the pavement, much to the surprise and joy of the owner.

But along the bottom of the screen it says "Do not attempt."

OH REALLY! Because shit, I was JUST thinking of calling up OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME to lend me his crane claw thing so I could pick up this piece of shit car and have a BRAND NEW BLUE TOYOTA COROLLA DROP OUT.

I mean seriously? How can you even FATHOM an attempt at something like that? Who has the means to even USE a crane like that? First off you need to have access to the crane and the know-how to use it. And then there's the whole BRAND NEW CAR DROPPING OUT OF A PIECE OF SHIT thing. There are these things called THE LAWS OF PHYSICS that prevent shit like that from ever happening.

Ridiculous.

Stay classy