Real Men Wear Pink?

Readership, this whole "real men wear pink" movement has finally gotten to the top of the "PISSIN' ME OFF!" pile, and now I have to address it.

Pink has been, is, and always will be a girl's color. My generation learned this through watching Power Rangers. There was never, is not currently, and never will be, a male Pink Ranger. Recently, they tried a season where they made the Yellow Ranger a dude and the Blue Ranger a chick.

That shit didn't last long.

But back on topic.

The whole argument for the "real men wear pink" thing is pretty damn asinine. Basically, these fools believe that a "real man" wears pink because a "real man" is manly enough and secure enough to do so. From a psychological and self-esteem view, they might have a point - but even if they do, it's flimsy bullshit at best.

On top of that, I have several facts that shoot their "real men wear pink" bullshit dogma down to shit. And I'll list them below, just cuz I know you're lookin' to read 'em.

First of all, we look to modern-day advertising campaigns. There are a lot of quote-unquote "manly" things that we see advertised on television. For example, pickup trucks, grills, and professional sports teams and their related indicia (apparel, stationary, etc.). Yet, in the advertising campaigns for these products that are widely recognized as "manly," there's a very curious lack of anything pink.

I've never seen a guy wearing anything pink in one of those hard-fucking-core, drop-two-tons-of-cinder-blocks-into-muh-pickup-so-it-kinda-bounces-and-dust-goes-flying-but-I-don't-care-cuz-I'm-a-manly-man pickup truck commercials, and I don't think I've ever seen a pink pickup truck at ALL, be it on TV, in a movie, or in real life. Shit, I don't even think I've ever seen a pink pickup truck in a comicbook or a cartoon. In the two places where there are NO RULES, there are STILL no pink pickup trucks.

Also, when's the last time you saw a pink grill? The only thing pink that EVER touches a man's grill is raw meat. And it doesn't stay pink for long. Because it gets grilled to perfection - if he's a real man.

Ditto for pink in professional sports. The only time you see pink clothing on a professional sports player is when they're playing the game for Breast Cancer, which is the only time a real man should be wearing pink. I hear all you "real men wear pink" dickheads screaming from deep something about pink baseball caps, and I tell you in reply, "shut up, they were made for chicks." And they were, so shut up.

If you don't get the significance of the fact that advertisement campaigns for manly shit NEVER include pink, for one, you're a loon, and for another, I'll have to explain. The SINGLE GOAL of advertisement is for you to buy whatever's being advertised. If you see an ad and buy the product, they've succeeded. If you see an ad and keep on walking, they've failed. Thus, logically they structure their ads to maximize effectiveness, and target their market accordingly.

If you're still not getting it, let me lay it out flat for you: knowing that they're selling manly things to real men, and knowing that they have to maximize their effectiveness with that target market, advertising departments DELIBERATELY LEAVE OUT PINK. Know why?

BECAUSE REAL MEN DON'T WEAR PINK.

Still not convinced? Then you're an idiot, but I'll give you irrefutable proof right now. If you don't believe that real men DON'T wear pink after this next bit, that means a) you're not a real man and b) you're wearing pink for some other reason that I'll leave to you and your psychologist to uncover.

Let's make a list of the top five manliest men. Obviously, this list would vary depending on who you asked, but we'll just assume (for argument's sake) that my list is representative of what the average man would list as his manliest men (as statistics slowly creeps into my non-academic life...).

Anyway, top five manliest men, in no particular order (besides the first one, obviously):
1. Chuck Norris
2. Clint Eastwood
3. Andrew Jackson
4. Sean Connery
5. Grigori Rasputin

If you "real men" in your pink shirts would take a gander, you'd notice two things that each of those five men have in common.

First off, they're INFINITELY manlier than you are, and infinitely to INFINITY manlier than you'll EVER be.

AND SECONDLY, THEY'RE NOT WEARING PINK!

Stay classy