Twitter Needs to Die a Terrible Death

Now, I have a very strong feeling that this is gonna piss off quite a few people among my readership (as I know for a fact that at least two of them have twitter accounts), but at this point I could give a shit. This has to be said.

Twitter is fucking retarded. There it is. I said it.

Telling people - notice how I said "people" and not "people you know" (because there IS a distinction being made here) - what you're doing. Every second. Of every day. Seriously? Granted, not everybody who uses twitter is THAT retarded, but there are definitely enough people who fall into that category to get me all fired up and a-blog-writin'.

The whole idea of twitter is to update (or "tweet") your account every time you start doing something different, or if something important happens. The stupidass twitter homepage lists things such as "I'm going to be late for the meeting" or "I just landed at the airport" as examples of things you would "tweet" about. Two things that you can much more easily (and DIRECTLY) convey through a text message or phone call.

"Oh no, I'm gonna be late for the meeting . . . better update my twitter so my co-workers know."
NO ASSHOLE GIVE THEM A FUCKING CALL.

"Wow, that trip to *someplace* was fun, but now I just landed back in JFK. I have no money for a cab and a lot of luggage, so . . . I'll update my twitter to let my ride know that I'm here!"
NO ASSHOLE GIVE THEM A FUCKING CALL.

Stupidasses and phone calls aside, here's where it gets creepy - people can "follow" you. "Following" means that you get notified whenever the person you're "following" updates his or her twitter.

Uhhh . . .

The fuck?

So any random ass dude could find you on twitter and start following you online . . . and then start following you in real life, and you wouldn't know, and then he'd kidnap you and eat your liver or something fuckin' weird like that.

Well fuck that, puta sucia.

Let me put it this way. If I WANTED you to know what I was doing, I'd TELL you what I was doing - and if you were THAT fucking interested in what I was doing (and you weren't an idiot), you'd CALL me, or TEXT me, or send me an IM or SOMETHING. And if you didn't have my number or my screenname, then I probably made a conscious decision not to associate with you - let ALONE to have you know what I'm doing every waking moment of my life. What is this "following" shit? Where I'm from, following someone on the Internet is fuckin' weird (not to mention probably illegal). I'm half tempted to sign up for twitter (yuck!), and just make stupid tweets, like "is whackin' off in the shower" or "is 'bout to go drop a load" or "granny porn?" or some other such dumb shit.

Plus, a twitter is just like a Facebook status. If you're really that into telling everybody what youre doing at every fucking moment of your life, just get Facebook mobile and update your status every five seconds like those herbs on the Disney Channel do. Fuckin' tweetin' bastards.

If you're tweetin' right now, it's gonna be hard, but I still gotta say . . .

Stay classy