Pregnancy Tests - Yup, ANOTHER WTF?

Hey readership. I just realized that something very, VERY stupid has slipped past my "very, VERY stupid" sensors. Allow me to explain.

There are many questions in this world of ours, some more important than others. For example, the question of "what time is it?" can usually wait a little longer for an answer than the question of "who killed that guy?" Similarly, "do you want fries with that?" is a little less important than "do I cut the blue wire or the red wire?"

However, there is one question that, at least in my mind, ranks up in the top five questions a human being can ever ask. What is it, you ask? Oh, such a curious lot you are . . . makes me smile.

Anyway. The question.

"Am I pregnant?"

A VERY important question asked countless times a day by potential mothers. And how does one go about answering this question?

Usually, a woman will go out and buy a home pregnancy test. Then, you're in for a bit of jumping through hoops. Because depending on which brand you buy, you might have to pee on the test for 2 seconds, or 5, or ten, or pee in a cup and then pour it out onto the test, or use an eye dropper to put drops on the test at a rate of 1 drop every three seconds - you get the idea.

But once you've "taken" the test, it's not over by a long shot. You want the results, right? Of course you do.

Good luck getting them. You have to look at control boxes for red bars indicating the test was done properly, look for pluses or minuses or blue bars or pink bars - it's ridiculous. You have to fight with the damn thing to make sure you take the test perfectly and exactly as instructed or else your results might be adversely affected - and even if you DO take the test exactly as instructed, in some cases you need a freakin' PhD to interpret the results.

Something so simple - either you are or you aren't pregnant - but to discover the answer you need to go through all these hoops. Only recently have there been digital home pregnancy tests, which give results in clear, easy to read English - either "Pregnant" or "Not pregnant." At that point, you just have to worry about illiterate people.

But we all know that illiterate people shouldn't be having kids anyway, because, after all . . . if you can't spell "sex," you probably shouldn't be having it.

I apologize to all the women who have to deal with these ridiculous pregnancy tests.

And to all the men who have to deal with those women.

Stay classy.