Rocket Power Pisses Me Off

Hey there readership.

I'm sure many of you remember classic Nickelodeon - All That (the original with Keenan and Kel, not this bullshit with Brittney Spears' little sister), AH! Real Monsters, Rocco's Modern Life, Doug, Rugrats, etc. Each show was legit in its own way.

Each show, that is, except Rocket Power.

Let me preface this by saying that I KNOW THAT IT WAS AN ANIMATED TV SHOW. I know. So shut up about that. I'm fully aware that I'm mad about fictional animated children's show characters. If you don't like it, bite me.

But yeah.

Let's start with the kids. I know that there are some child prodigies when it comes to extreme sports - BMX, skateboarding, rollerblading, etc. But by definition a prodigy focuses on one discipline. These fucking kids are like twelve and are LEGIT AT EVERYTHING. These little herbs can do some borderline professional shit on their BMX bikes, their skateboards, their snowboards, and their surfboards, and they're all legit at rollerblade street hockey - even the "Squid" (whatever the fuck that means), who never played hockey a day in his life and is just a naturally FUCKING AMAZING goalie. And even on their first try they're amazing. There was one episode where Twister and Otto (Otto? Seriously? What the hell) basically discovered and mastered the street luge in about ten minutes. The street luge is probably one of the most dangerous extreme sports simply because of how fast you're going (average speeds from 40-97 mph), and the degrees of the turns you have to take. Combine that with the fact that you're in competition with several other people who are taking the run at the same time (unlike the winter version of the luge, where you go one at a time), and you've got some super dangerous shit that no twelve-year-olds should be doing unsupervised and as a "hey let's try this" type of thing.

Second, where in the hell do these little punks live, that they're able to surf, constantly be swimming and wearing beach-weather-type clothes, AND fucking snowboard in good conditions AT THE SAME TIME? The only state in America I can think of for this kind of thing would be California, but the skiing/snowboarding in California is up north, where it's cold, and these kids live by the beach and it's always hot. I remember in the first episode where the "Squid" is introduced, Twister sees his long pants and asks him sarcastically "What're you expecting snow?" But the way they talk about it, when they're thinking of going snowboarding they're not like "okay let's pack shit up for the three-hour ride from Venice Beach to Sierra Nevada for snowboarding," they're like "okay grab your stuff this shit is down the street." Which is bullshit.

I mean, I know in the end, it's a cartoon. I get it. Really. But seriously. You're giving kids false hopes here. Nobody's super legit at skateboarding, snowboarding, surfing, BMX, rollerblading and street hockey. At best you find someone legit at two or maybe three (Shaun White comes to mind, being good at skateboarding and snowboarding).

So fuck you, guys who made Rocket Power!

But as for the rest of you.

Stay classy