I've Escaped!

Readership, i've successfully escaped the crack den. I even managed to take a picture of the dreaded den of crackwhore-ery, as seen in the attached image.
It turns out that this was all a plot to kidnap Hat and use his extensive knowledge of astrophysics (it's widely known that he has a doctorate in the field) in order to time-travel to a time where crack was much cheaper to manufacture, make a shitton of it, and then come back and sell it at an epic profit. However, Hat's doctorate is fake, and in actuality he knows about as much about astrophysics as my little sister knows about having a life (aka not even a little bit).
So they tortured the poor bastard with everything from the spin cycle to lintification. I busted out of my holding cell and beat two crackheads with a brick that i found, then grabbed Hat away from the bleach-trap they'd set up, and together we kicked down the door and ran our asses off. In the struggle, the crackwhore Observation was lost.

Whatevs.

Stay classy