Newton Ain't Discover SHIT

Hey there readership. I was fitfully tossing and turning last night because, due to a random spat of back spasms (and a general propensity for insomnia), I couldn't sleep. That's when something occurred to me. We all know that Sir Isaac Newton is the man credited with "discovering" gravity. But did he really?

Fuck no he didn't! How absurd is that? One man, discovering gravity? That's like one man trying to take credit for discovering air! If somebody that I knew told me that they'd discovered air (and I was kinda in the old days and whatnot), I'd be like "you mean the stuff we've been breathing since birth?" and he'd be like "yeah that's - " but he wouldn't be able to finish his sentence cuz I'd beat him with a stick mid-speech!

There's no way on God's green Earth that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity. Proof? Oh I got that. Drop a beat and lemme spit it to ya.

Gravity, as we all know, is a principle that powers many things. For example, the execution methods of hanging and beheading by way of guillotine (not to be morbid haha). Both rely heavily on the principle and implementation of gravity.

Now, Sir Isaac Newton "discovered" gravity circa 1666 AD. However, one of the earliest appearances of a gallows is in the Bible in Esther 5:14:

"[Haman's] wife Zeresh and all his friends said to him, "Have a gallows built, seventy-five feet high..."

The Book of Esther is a part of the Old Testament, and scholars believe that it was written circa the third or fourth century BC - meaning that they'd "discovered" gravity (and it's death-dealing ability) nearly two thousand years before Newton's apple bonked him on the noggin.

Whew. I guess that Intro to the Bible Theology course last year actually came in handy after all.

Anyway.

Remember the guillotine? The name "guillotine" came about during the French Revolution, but the machine that received the name had been around in some form since at least 1286 AD with the English Halifax Gibbet, which predates Newton's "discovery" by almost four hundred years.

And let's not forget other, non-deadly uses for gravity, such as irrigation. In Ancient Persia, aqueducts and water drainage systems utilized the principle of gravity almost entirely to facilitate drainage and irrigation. Ancient Persia went through several empires from 728 BC-226 AD (the last one started in 250 BC). Even the fall of the last Persian empire predated Newton's "discovery" by 14 hundred years, and the beginning of the first predated it by over 22 hundred years.

So fuck you Newton. You ain't discover gravity ya li'l bitch.

Stay classy