Children's Television Shows Upset Me

Before I start, it's with great sadness that I say that this will be my final Observation here on Blogger. It's been a good two years, but I'm not one to go against progress, so you'll have to go to Tumblr for your Legally Blind Observation fix in the future (this post is also available on Tumblr, of course).

Anyway.

Readership, as you remember, I have a thing about children's television shows, and now I'm back because, once again, I've found something that pisses me off.

First off, the Wiggles. What THE fuck. When my sister was younger, she used to watch it all the time, and I would be forced to sit there and make sure she didn't blow the house up, thus being forced to watch the Wiggles myself.

ALL THEY DO IS SING AND MAKE FRUIT SALAD. That's not only a pointless existence (they don't even eat the fruit salad!), but the strangest combination of activities to make up your occupation that I've ever encountered. I mean I can understand that some jobs have you do some weird shit, but sing as part of a four-man group, and make fruit salad that NOBODY EATS? That's fucking retarded.

As an aside, I think most of my anger stems from the fact that I love fruit salad, and feel as though these strange grown-ass men in purple shirts are disrespecting me and the fruit salad every time they make some and nobody gets to eat it.

I digress.

Secondly, we have Scooby Doo. Now, don't start with that "don't hate on Scooby Doo" shit, because I love Scooby Doo, and I always have, but come the hell on. "Ohhhh noes it's a pirate ghost he's chasing us runnnnn!" Nah, fuck that, BEAT HIS ASS. If you had a single black or Hispanic guy in "the gang," the longest episode of Scooby Doo would've been about five minutes. The ghost or witch or monster or whatever would've shown up and tried to scare everybody away, and the brother/boriquen would've been like "fuck you bitch!" and beat the shit outta him. Then Velma would've come through and unmasked him, and everybody would be confused because nobody would have any clues as to why whoever was under the mask was doing what he was doing, but the brother/boriquen would tell them that it's not our fucking job to investigate crimes, that's what the police are for. They have their suspect, he's caught red-handed in the midst of a crime, throw him in jail and then figure out why he's there (isn't that what police do anyway?). Of course, as a brother/boriquen, he would know that the police rarely do anything correctly (including and especially their jobs), but still, he would know even more that it wasn't his job to do the cops' job, even if the cops weren't doing it.

Lastly, and definitely the one that pisses me off the most, is Dora the Explorer. There's just SO MUCH wrong with the message it's sending to kids. Where the hell are her parents? How the hell do they think it's okay for their 7-year-old daughter to go out on a fucking adventure into the wilderness with a talking monkey and a talking backpack? Kids are highly impressionable these days, and they'll see this shit and think that it's all good to do the same shit, but if they try that, you know for damn sure they're not gonna be met with a LOT worse than a bitchass semi-clepto fox dressed as a bandit.

And speaking of Swiper, what the fuck kind of thief is he? How the hell does "Swiper no swiping!" stop you dead in your tracks? It would be more like:

"Swiper no swiping! Swiper no-"
BAM BAM BAM.
"Swipe muh Glock 9, bitch, that's MY talking backpack."

Stay classy