A Typical Conversation Between Me and Jesus

And no, that's not Jesus of "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" fame (whose "dad" was pissed). That would be Mattie "Jesus" (say it Spanish-y) Vags. We were at the spring concert that our former high school held tonight (cuz we're that fucking cool), and were texting back and forth. That text convo is reproduced below, uncut, uncensored, and unintelligible. Enjoy bitches!

Jesus: What would you do if I palmed your dick? hahaha
Fred: What would you do if I screamed "FIRE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES MOTHERFUCKERS AGGGGGHHHhahahaha just kidding, please continue"?
J: Id shit my pants in delight. hahaha
F: I fucked a goat.
J: Word? And I wasnt invited?
F: Dude I was sacrificing it to you
J: Oh, thats what that was. Im still pissed I wasnt invited. Dick.
F: Didnt the goats innocence show up at heaven?
J: Nope. That was one fucked up goat. It went straight to Hell.
F: Wow. I sorta did the world a favor then. One less goat for death to buttfuck :-)
J: Hmm, indeed son. Good work. But thats still beastiality. Which is a sin so youre going to Hell too. hahahaha
F: Whatever i'll just buttfuck em again. Speakin of buttfucks, look at the buttfuck to my right. Fuckin listening to his ipod at a concert.
J: What a cunt.
F: Lets give him a roofie and stick a broom in his ass
J: Hmm. Indeed. But instead of the broom, we should just use Dumpy. hahahahaha [Dumpy is this Brian kid]
F: I like that idea better.
J: Hmm. Indeed. I do ideas good. hahaha
F: Yes ideas love it when you do them good
J: Everyone loves it when I do them good. hmmmm
F: Especially mary magdalene, i've heard
J: Yeah. I didnt fuck her though. I went mexican on her ass.
F: Whats that mean? Sprinkled cheese and salsa on her taco and ate it out?
J: Although that does sound delicious. No. All I had to do was touch her tummy, and then she was pregnant.
F: James Bond looks at hos and gets them pregnant
J: No no no. Thats chuck norris. But then he looks at them again, and kills the baby.
F: And then drinks the babyblood. With gin
J: Yummy. I hope he's willing to share.
F: Chuck norris doesnt share. He divides. You. In half.
J: He can bring a baby goat back to life, just by shedding a tear. But then kill it again by snapping its neck.
F: Chuck norris doesnt cry. The tears are afraid of his piercing blue eyes and thus seek to get the fuck away as quickly as possible
J: You wanna know whats deadlier than cancer, AIDS, and world hunger combined? A very pissed off Chuck Norris.
F: I wonder if jewish grandmas have their own version of chuck norris?
J: Probably. His dick would be kosher.
F: Snausages?
J: Life sucks and he sucks [referring to our former band director as he gave a long and boring speech]
F: And his wife takes it. Whats he on, kid #6?
J: I think so. She can be his pink ranger. haha
F: Are you talking about her or her vagina?
J: A little bit of bothm.
F: Bothm? Is that like gothams retarded third cousin that nobody talks about?
J: Fuck your mother hard in her spicy mexican asshole.
F: Will do
J: But Casey needs to join you. [Casey is a mutual friend, sitting two seats to my left with his girlfriend, JavaGrava]
F: No! I must do this - alone
J: Dude, shes mexican. Shes had at least 6 kids, she can fit at least 3 cocks in there.

Oh God. If I offended anybody, it wasn't intentional, so don't get all pissed off at me.

And whatever you do

Stay classy