Heat Surge

Readership, I know I've been a little on the low side with the Observations lately. There is a reason - I went through a few of my more recent ones, and realized that there wasn't too much quality in them. I'll say it plainly: after Blame Elevators for Obesity, the next "good" Observation (in my mind) was Pigeons. This saddens me, so now I'm going to opt for a more "quality over quantity" approach. This means that you might have to wait a little longer for Observations, but each one will be a winner.

Like this one.

There's this new product out there called the Heat Surge. It's made by Amish craftsmen, costs around $300, and as you can see, it's basically a portable space heater made up to look like a fireplace, complete with fake coals and a fake roaring fire behind them up against a screen. The cool thing about it is that the "fire" emits heat, but as it's not actually real fire, it doesn't burn when touched. How does it work? From the website's Frequently Asked Questions:

"Virtually silent fan forced technology, 24 blade Air-O dynamic fan draws cool air through the back into the wind tunnel heat chamber, and disperses out into your home the bone soothing heat."

Have you spotted the one little snag here yet? Read it again. Go on, I'll wait.

Still no?

Okay, I'll tell you.

When in the hell have Amish people EVER used "virtually silent fan forced TECHNOLOGY," or ANY TECHNOLOGY AT ALL!? They almost have to go to confession for wearing a damn wristwatch, for God's sake, but a fucking silent forced fan that draws cool air back into a wind tunnel heat chamber and disperses it out into your home, and has a nifty little fake fire and coals to put the image of a cozy fireplace in mind? I mean, shit, might as well just start shopping online and watching TV too, cuz you're Amish-cred is shot to shit after that.

For $300 (more, after shipping), I'll buy a sweater and an Xbox 360 and be warm and entertained.

Sheesh.

Stay classy