THE APOCALYPSE!

Readership, for the past few years, I'm sure you've been hearing about how the Mayans supposedly predicted that the world as we know it would cease to exist in the near future - specifically, on Friday December 21, 2012. Everyone has SOMETHING to say about it, whether it's Bible-thumpers that are saying the Mayans are full of shit, or so-called "scholars" that say that there is a high probability that this might happen, given the past history of the Mayans and their predictions, or the followers of Nostradamus (who apparently predicted every bad thing that's ever happened in the last few centuries), or the fucking geniuses that are milking the whole 12/21/2012 thing for all its worth by making a movie about it (which I'll probably see).

However, they're all full of shit. And what's better, I can prove it. A bold claim, you say? Do I hear a clamor for evidence? Fuck yeah I do. And I've got it. Read on!

Let's talk about these Nostradamus-following idiots - but first, let's play a quick little game. It's called "Completely Nonsensical Statement or Nostradamus' Prophecy?" The way you play the game is pretty simple. Below, I'm going to give you four statements. Your job is to guess if each statement is either A) a completely nonsensical statement or B) a prophecy made by the apparently omniscient Michele de Nostradame (aka Nostradamus). Simple enough right? Ready? Okay - go!

1. Sitting alone at night in secret study; it is placed on the brass tripod. A slight flame comes out of emptiness and makes successful that which should not be believed in vain.

2. The cry of the child is only heard by the few; the silence by the many. With great winds the third day will come and with it darkness that only the light can cure.

3. Through anger and internal hatreds, the exiles will hatch a plot against the king. Secretly they will place enemies as a threat, and his own old adherents will find sedition against them.

4. The prince of light will return in a time of sadness. He will alight upon his palace, only to find it cloaked in darkness and full of woe.

So there you have it. Four statements. Now it's your turn to try and discover which ones are completely nonsensical statements and which ones are actual prophecies from Nostradamus.

Stumped? Okay, here are the answers: 1. Nostradamus; 2. Completely nonsensical statement; 3. Nostradamus; 4. Completely nonsensical statement.

The point I'm trying to make here is, if I hadn't told you which was which, would you have been able to tell the difference - DEFINITIVELY? That means without guessing and just happening to be right. If you can, power to you. But if, as I believe, you can't, then what the hell are you worried about? Some nonsense that can be interpreted freely and differently by almost anyone reading it?

Now, let's look at the Mayans. We all know that their calendar ends December 21, 2012, but that's it. Just because their calendar ends, doesn't mean the WORLD ends. When the Spanish invaded the Mayan lands, they burned almost every book and scripture they could find. So, based on that, a second Mayan calendar, going from December 22, 2012 to some far-future date, COULD have existed, but was just lost in the burnings.

But let's say that the Mayans DID predict apocalypse on December 21, 2012 (WHICH THEY DIDN'T). Apocalypse doesn't necessarily mean the literal "end" of the world. It could mean the end of an aspect of the world, or a revelation, or an end to the old and the bad and a bringing in of the new and the good. By that definition, for example, during the time of the Emancipation Proclamation and the end of slavery, for the slaveowners it was definitely an apocalypse. The old way of evil slavery was abolished, bringing in a new way of good freedom (which, as it happened, would take quite a bit more time afterward to actually bring to 100% fruition).

So yeah. Shut the fuck up about all this 2012 shit. And really, if it's written in some cosmic book that we're all going to die on December 21, 2012, and it's gonna happen and there's nothing we can do about it, then fuck it - stop worrying. It won't help. We've all gotta die someday.

Man the fuck up!

And whatever you do

Stay classy