Cows

Readership, I was having a deeply philosophical discussion with Mistah Welch tonight, and he brought up a very interesting point. How did the milking of cows come about?

Yeah. I said "hmmm" too.

The way I see it, there are three possible ways that milking a cow was "discovered." I'll outline them for you in order from least probable to most probable, below.

First off, we have what I'm going to call the "Genius Theory." In the Genius Theory, some know-it-all young dick (picture Einstein in his twenties with short hair) decided that since his momma's boobies gave him milk, that every animal's momma's boobies had to do the same thing. Actually, since according to this site, cows were first domesticated between eight and ten thousand years ago in the Near East (which is just fancy archaeologist-speak for what us normal bastards call the Middle East, minus a few countries), he probably had filthy long hair.

I digress.

This know-it-all young dick probably tried a few animals out first, but was frustrated by their distinct lack of boobies.

And then he saw the cow. Its udder was in plain sight. No need to search for boobies or nips. There it was.

And the rest, as they say, is history. Ancient history, actually.

The second theory, which I'll call the "Clean Accident Theory," follows a similar tact as the previous theory, except there was no intelligence involved. A regular ol' guy, same as you and me (except somewhere in 6000 BC Iraq), tripped over a rock towards a cow, and, flailing his hands out to try and grab something that would save him from his terrible tumble, his fingers fastened securely around the plump, full udders of a cow, squirting the delicious "Moo Juice" (as my father calls it) onto the ground.

He was then most likely kicked in the head by said cow, permanently fucking his brain up. It would be several years before anybody put two and two together and discovered that it had been the sudden and surprise milking that had pissed the cow off enough to strike back.

As an aside, this was also the first documented case of the whole "No means no" thing.

Lastly, and I believe, most likely, is what I'll call the "Dirty Accident Theory." In this theory, there was some sick-in-the-head, perverted Ancient Iraqi, who saw those plump udders and couldn't help himself. He had to have them. And he did.

Over. And over.

Stay classy