Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 2

Hey everybody. Hopefully you all had a nice, safe, relaxing holiday and a bitchin' New Years. As promised, here's the first post of the New Year, and I'm gonna start this off with a bang (I hope). Over this past holiday, a few more "wtf" statements have come to my attention, and I'm going to list them all here and offer funny, heavily sarcastic explanations and anecdotes that make them sound infinitely more retarded than they actually are (which is quite a feat on my part - they're pretty retarded as is without any help from me).

Anyway.

First off, we have "Are you sure?" asked as a question. "Are you sure?" Hmmm . . . what a question. The stupidity of this question varies by what it is about which you're being asked if you're sure. Generally, it's pretty dumb, but at worst, it's downright retarded. It can range from "are you sure you want to buy this car?" which isn't too dumb depending on who's asking, to "are you sure you don't want me to put it in your butt?" which is stupid no matter who's asking (but a little more stupid if it's someone with a vag). Bottom line: If I'm still standing here listening to you and I haven't left or kicked your ass (and you're not trying to sell me a used car), I'm pretty sure . . . that I'm sure. Asstart.

Next one: "Did you get a hair cut?" Actually, no, my hair just SPONTANEOUSLY FUCKING FELL OUT. Glad you noticed and brought it up, ya douchebag. Before you ask such a STUPID question, ask yourself a MUCH more sensible one: Is his hair significantly shorter than it was the last time I saw him? If the answer is yes, then you can probably assume that he did indeed get a haircut. Perhaps you could skillfully and subtly steer the conversation towards that and get him to say that he got a haircut without actually asking? Oh . . . wait, of course you can't . . . because you're a dumbass.

And now, even MACHINES are getting on in on the being retarded!? "Send failed - would you like to retry?" Well, let me think about that . . . hmmm . . . I've spent the last five minutes typing out a well-thought-out, (hopefully) funny and witty text message response, meticulously choosing each and every word so as to maximize the funny and minimize the not funny - all with my fucking THUMBS. Do I want to retry to send it? Hmmm . . .
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?

Dammit.

People. Seriously.

Stay classy