The Wheels on the Bus . . .

Okay, so it's been a while since I've made an observation (due in part to forces beyond my control, and due in larger part to the fact that I've been stuck in the most boring place on Earth - Hamden, CT - for the past two weeks). However, here's my latest observation, hot off the presses!

Or, hot off wherever the hell these freakin' brainfarts come from.

Anyway.

I was on the city bus on Monday for a good portion of the day. I was in the Bronx, staying with my cousin and his friend for the weekend, then going back to Queens to put my luggage and whatnot back in my dorm, then to LaGuardia to pick up my amazing girlfriend Maria, who was flying back in from Ohio. In total, I made five trips by bus on Monday alone: From the Bronx to Queens, back to the Bronx, back to Queens, to the Kew Gardens subway station, and from the Roosevelt Avenue station to LaGuardia Airport. While on the bus, I noticed that there was a specific set of character archetypes for the "average" city bus trip (similar to the way there was a specific set of character archetypes for the "average" group interview). My observations on the subject are listed below. Enjoy, bitches!

First off, and perhaps most subtly annoying, is the Finja. The Finja is a fat ninja, and man - this guy is fat as HELL. I'm talking MORBIDLY OBESE. His rolls have rolls and you need a minute or two to count up how many chins he has.
Yet, despite his TREMENDOUS girth, this guy is still able to sneak past you COMPLETELY UNDETECTED and take the newly-vacated seat that you were looking to sit in . . . and the one next to it.

Then there are the loud, crazy-obnoxious Asian ladies. Now, I'm not trying to be racist or sexist here, but I feel like it's my duty as an Observationalist to tell it like it is (yeah I made that word up, what of it?). For at least 90% of the bus rides I've been on, there has been at least one loud, crazy-obnoxious Asian lady, usually middle-aged (just so you can think I discriminate against older people too, if that's your angle), who pulls out her cellphone and just goes ABSOLUTELY APESHIT. God KNOWS what the hell she's saying, but it's LOUD, it's FAST, and it's FREAKIN' CRAZY. And you're sitting there turning up your iPod to the maximum volume to try to drown this crazy woman out, and at the same time trying to hear the driver's announcements (which aren't loud to begin with - and are incomprehensible as shit anyway), but it doesn't work, and perhaps she knows it, because she has a smirk on her face that never goes away.

My personal favorite are the people who speak to each other in a language other than English, thinking that the people surrounding them don't understand that language. For me, it's Spanish. Now, I'm far from conversationally fluent in Spanish, but I understand a LOT, and while I can't respond in a reasonably timely manner in Spanish, if you're talking about me in Spanish, I'll know. Invariably, there is a couple or group of Hispanics (and I'M Hispanic, so you can't say I'm racist now, ya prick) who will look around and start talking shit about me or someone else in Spanish, laughing to themselves because they think that I don't know what they're saying. Sometimes what they say is funny, so I let it go, no matter who they're talking about. Sometimes it's mean, and when it comes time for either me or them to get off the bus, I'll say something smart in Spanish (something that I spend at least five minutes conjugating and organizing in my head first), just to let them know that I knew what they were saying all along. Their expressions when they get a perfectly-crafted comeback in perfectly-dictated Spanish could probably be the eighth wonder of the world.

Lastly, there's the one guy who by himself only takes up one seat on the bus . . . but because of how he's strategically placed all his crap, he "metaphorically" takes up like two or three seats. On Monday, that guy was me - I had a suit-carrying bag, a bass and a bass amp, spread out on the bus. Now, everything started in my "personal space" and I only sat in one seat, but the seats immediately to the right and left of me remained unoccupied for the whole time I was on the bus.

So yeah. That's basically it. Watch out for the Finja, get those noise-cancelling iPod headphones for the loud, crazy-obnoxious Asian lady, pick up a second language, and tell that guy to move his shit.

And never forget.

Stay classy.