I Think I'll Stick with (Insert Treatable Disease Here)

Hey everybody. This is something I've been sitting on for a while, mostly because I've had more pressing matters to bitch and whine about to you, my faithful readers (all four of you), but also because it took a little research to put this business together and I was too lazy to sit down and look this shit up.

But now that the research aspect has been taken care of, let's start this shit.

Have you ever seen a commercial for a random wonder drug? Of course you have (if you've been watching TV at all in the past three years, anyway). Every single one, without fail, offers the latest, most complete, best, and above all, safest, treatment for some condition that can range from something stupid like a migraine to something damn serious like fibromyalgia. However, have you ever listened closely to the parts that come after the amazing benefits of the drug are laid out? You probably haven't - and what with the announcer's velvety-smooth baritone voice and the animations of little birdies and butterflies and other cute shit flitting all around the screen, that's not really too surprising.

What you're missing is arguably the single most important part of the commercial: the list of potential side effects. Examples, you say? Way ahead of you. Keep reading.

First off, we have Celebrex, a miracle treatment for the debilitating condition known as arthritis (or "arthur-itis" as my old friend Genevieve used to say). It will relieve your arthritis pain, no problem - but I bet you didn't know that it could lead to an increased risk of heart attack and stroke, which, according to the extremely eloquent and well-informed Celebrex website, and I quote, "can lead to death." Thanks for that, Evil Master of the Self-Evidently Unequivocal. I mean if you hadn't told me heart attacks and strokes can lead to death, I would've looked forward to having a couple for myself. Dumbasses.

Secondly, there's Treximet, a relatively new drug for the treatment of migraines. It works in two ways, by first targeting the specific blood vessels and neurons that are thought to trigger migraines, and by reducing brain inflammation to ease the pressure and pain of a migraine. However, at the same time, it could possibly cause a heart attack, stroke, serious stomach and intestinal problems (think ulcers and internal bleeding), and the kicker, a serious rash that, according to the Treximet website, "may be fatal and occur without warning." Well shit. Either I have a splitting headache . . . or a heart attack/stroke with a flesh-eating rash that will probably kill me. I'll take a couple aspirin and lay down. I mean shit - wouldn't you?

So yeah. Miracle drug my ass.

Stay classy