Fitted Caps - Secretly Fucking Your Brain Up?

Readership, in the past four days I've noticed something that I've found quite strange. Between my time spent in the club on Saturday night, and my time spent watching a Wale video (with no sound) while at breakfast, I noticed that when people wear fitted caps (such as those from Lids), they have this strange tendency to spin them around and continuously rearrange them on their heads, constantly, and for seemingly no reason.

I looked at people wearing other types of headwear, however, and noticed a distinct lack of constant rearrangery - and shockingly, non-fitted caps (even of the same team as their fitted counterparts!) were not constantly rearranged and spun around the dome. Ski caps remained firmly in place (even if "in place" equated to dangerously dangling off the back of the head, in most cases), skullies weren't messed with, and the only possible exception was fedoras, which were given that little swipe across the front of the brim to accentuate the fact that the person was, indeed, wearing a sexy-ass fedora.

This leads me to postulate that there is something inherent in Fitted Caps (as they are now known to be some kind of unexplained entity, their name will become a proper noun) that almost forces someone to constantly arrange and rearrange them while wearing them, which serves no purpose practically or aesthetically.

With that said, I go further and theorize that Fitted Caps were invented and developed by the Feds, and as soon as they touch someone's head, they begin to secretly leech out information pertaining to whereabouts, illegal habits, and daily schedules. Every time information is leached and transmitted, the Fitted Cap sends a signal directly into your nervous system that makes you raise your arm up and rearrange the Fitted Cap, so it can get at a different area of your cortex and get more information. It's all a part of what I like to call the Federal Keeping the Black Man Down Act. Allow me to explain this a little further.

The Federal Keeping the Black Man Down Act was secretly enacted in 2009 after Oprah used her considerable influence to push it quietly through the House and the Senate, and since Oprah is Oprah, Barrack Obama signed that shit into law without hesitation.

IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. THIS IS OPRAH WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT HERE.

I digress.

Don't take this the wrong way, but if there was a chart that displayed which ethnic group wore fitted caps most by percentage, African Americans would be at the top - and the government knows this (fucking Census!), and uses the Fitted Caps to implement the Federal Keeping the Black Man Down Act and exploit this knowledge.

That said, don't think that just because you're not black that the Federal Keeping the Black Man Down Act doesn't work on you. The Federal Keeping the Black Man Down Act works on EVERYBODY - all you have to do is wear a fitted. How do you think they caught Bernie Madoff? He was in the mall, saw a Lids store and thought "hmm. maybe I should go see about copping me the ill Yankees fitted, perchance?" The minute he tried that first Fitted Cap on, the FBI froze his assets and by the time he got home they were waiting to bust his ass and steal his Coldstone (cuz he got some on the way out of the mall).

So yeah. Beware the Fitted Caps!

And whatever you do

Stay classy