What the Hell is the Deal With . . .

. . . Red Bull commercials? Now, I don't watch NEARLY as much TV as I did pre-college (surprisingly?) - the only two shows I watch with any kind of regularity are Fringe and Family Guy - but even still, I've noticed that Red Bull commercials have undergone a drastic change in the past few years. Before I outline the change, let me just say - I don't think it's necessarily a BAD change, it's just . . . interesting. Yeah. Interesting is a good word.

Anyway.

For those who have been living under a rock since the advent of Red Bull, allow me to outline a typical Red Bull commercial for you: something happens which involves the need for wings, the "main character" drinks a Red Bull, which gives said character wings, allowing him or her to fulfill his or her goal, the end.

Back in the day, there were two main commercials (two that I can remember, anyway).

In the first one, we're at the will-reading (is there a word for that?) of an old guy, whose elderly widow and children are present. However, he ends up leaving all of his money and worldly possessions to a leggy blonde mistress, which prompts his widow to pop open a can of Red Bull (you thought I was gonna say "whupass" dincha?), and fly up to heaven to chase down this fool of a dead husband.

In the second one, a rather fat yellow cat sits at his leisure in an armchair, doing all manner of personal hygienic shit - fixing his whiskers, flossing, etc. - and then the camera pans back to reveal an empty can of Red Bull, as well as a suspended bird cage, also empty, with a single yellow feather floating airy-fairy down to earth. The idea is that the cat drank some Red Bull, flew up to the birdcage, and ate the bird.

Both of those commercials are funny, clever, and - dare I say it - kinda cute. But then we have the more recent Red Bull commercials, which just shoot those compliments down to shit.

First off, there's the biochemistry major commercial. A college biochem major is trying to study, it's late, he has his final in the morning, he's nowhere near done studying, and his girlfriend is horny as shit and wants to bone.
Yeah.
Let that sink in for a moment.
Red Bull commercial.
Chick wants to bone.
Anyway.
When he resists on the grounds that he's studying and has his final in the morning and he's working on the THEORY of biochem and not the practice of it, she offers him a Red Bull, tells him that they can study the practice of biochemistry first and then work BACK to theory, giggles, and turns off the light. We all know what happens next.

Then there's the first of the two most recent ones that I've seen, the kid at the gentlemen's club. That's right.
Kid.
At a gentlemen's club.
Anyway.
A farmer boy, maybe thirteen or fourteen at the most, fills the water trough that the pigs drink from with Red Bull, chuckling and smiling smugly. He watches the pig drink the stuff up, and then runs to his mother in the kitchen of the farmhouse. He asks her if he can go to the gentlemen's club, to which she replies "When pigs fly." Of course, "Red Bull gives you wiiiiings", so mom looks out the kitchen window and sees her pigs flying around. Cut-to, the boy at a gentlemen's club, alone, with the stripper throwing her sash all up on his face.

Lastly, and perhaps most disturbingly, is the nudist beach commercial.
Yeah.
NUDIST BEACH.
Red Bull went there.
Anyway.
We start off at a nudist beach, and this guy rolls up next to this leggy blonde (who of course is naked), who's tanning or whatever. The guy is naked (with a black rectangle covering his junk), and sets up his blanket and whatnot next to hers. She gives him a Red Bull, which he promptly drinks (as a little kid - maybe seven or eight, and NAKED - rolls up to retrieve his ball that rolled over into view), and the guy COPS A FUCKING BONER (like the rectangle extends and everything).
YEAH.
HE COPS A BONER.
And the blonde laughs because she thinks she's gonna have a nice stiff one in her in a few minutes, but then the guy sprouts wings and flies off.

What. The. Fuck.

I mean, Red Bull is good shit in moderation, but seeing these commercials DEFINITELY doesn't make me wanna drink Red Bull. Like. How the hell do you get from cute and clever to semi-pornographic with the same product? That shit just don't make no sense (a trait that the grammar of that statement shares).

What the hell're you thinkin', Red Bull?

You know what you gotta do, Red Bull? The same thing as everybody else . . .

Stay classy