ExtenZe - Part of a Secret Plot to Rule the World?

Hey readership. Two quick announcements before I get into this observation. First off, I'm still pretty fucking sick and thus very pissed off and I may come across as more of an asshole than usual. For this I apologize in advance.

Secondly, I'd like to welcome YET ANOTHER ninja reader of this blog, Matt aka Carp. His ninja-reader-status was brought to my attention by Welch. Good looks sir, and welcome Carp. It seems you've been here for a while, which saves me from making up a variation of "it's a party here," as you've been able to see this for yourself.

Also, as a secret and unplanned third announcement: if you read this hunk of shit that I call my blog, or know of someone else who reads it that I've never mentioned as a reader, TELL ME! I'd like to know that there are people reading. It makes me feel good on the inside.

Anyway

Anyone who has stayed up past midnight with the TV on such dubious channels as Cartoon Network and Comedy Central has undoubtedly seen commercials for a small blue pill called "ExtenZe," and has probably laughed their ass off at how lamely the people in the commercial avoid saying "penis" (God knows I did). Basically what ExtenZe does is make your penis bigger (assuming you have one - ExtenZe doesn't do much of anything useful for women), and may or may not make you last longer during sex.

HOWEVER!

All of these effects cease most abruptly once you stop taking the pills, something that can be gleaned from careful observation of the commercials and the fine print contained therein.

With this in mind, the makers of ExtenZe offer a deal of sorts: get a free week's supply of ExtenZe (one per household - as though they seriously think that a dad-son combo would order. Seriously?). If you like it (and they're betting you will), then you'll buy some more (most likely with an inflated price to make up the difference from the free week's supply you originally received). If you don't like it, then fuck it - your relationship with ExtenZe is over.

OR IS IT?

Shocking new evidence (that I totally just made up because I'm feverishly delusional) has just come to my attention that implicates ExtenZe in a massive conspiracy (that only so far includes ExtenZe) to rule the world! How does this happen, exactly? Read on, curious seeker of nonsensical wisdom!

While continuing to take ExtenZe, you're all good. You've got the big willy, you're beatin' it down all night, etc. etc. However, stop taking it, and a special chemical that's been dormant in your brain since you started taking ExtenZe is released, effectively rendering you a mindless drone for the ExtenZe Take Over the World Army!

ExtenZe has a secret plan to take over the world by forcing you to take their pill - and you WILL take it, either for want of a large penis or through brain manipulation. Once you have the larger penis you will be a lot bolder and will do crazy shit that ExtenZe will tell you to do telepathically . . . !

Wow.

That sorta fell apart at the end there. Being sick sucks.

Whatever.

Stay classy