"Me too!"

Let's play a little game, one I like to call "Why are the Following Statements About as Stupid as Bottled Water?" Here's how you play: read the following statements and give me a valid reason as to why they're all about as stupid as the idea and implementation of bottled water. Easy enough, right? Good! Let's start.

1.
"I'm gonna miss you sooo much!"
"Me tooooo!"

2.
"I love you."
"Me too."

3.
"I think you're beautiful."
"Me too!"

4.
"That tree is really far away."
"Me too!"
(kudos to anyone who gets that reference, by the way)

If, for examples one through four, your answer as to why they're about as stupid as bottled water was "BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ANY FREAKIN' SENSE!" then you are quite correct. Granted, examples three and four were thrown in there to hyperbolize the situation (and because I need something to laugh at during these next three hours of Theology), but the answer still applies. Why does it apply, you ask? Simple.

Many people believe that there is a conversational equivalent to water in the English language - a universal solvent that can dissolve all conversations. I'm one of those people, and I believe that Universal Conversational Solvent is, verbatim, "Fuck off." However, most of the other people that believe in the UCS (a nifty little acronym that saves me typing out "Universal Conversational Solvent" all the damn time) is "Me too", and, I'm really sorry to burst your bubbles, people, but you're dead wrong.

"Me too" is the conversational equivalent to vinegar, not water. It dissolves the conversation, yes, as does water (or "Fuck off"), but not in the same fashion. "Me too" dissolves the conversation in a "wow this guy's a moron" sort of way, which means you (the moron) lose the initiative in the conversation - all conversational power is lost, and the unlucky bastard to whom you were talking is the one making the move to walk away, and is doing so out of choice. Now, the REAL UCS (that would be "Fuck off," in case you haven't been paying attention), when used properly, has the same effect, but dissolves the conversation in more of a "this guy obviously doesn't want to talk to me anymore and I should probably leave him alone before he takes out a blade and cuts me" kind of way. This means you (the badass) rob the unlucky bastard to whom you were talking of his conversational power, and although he's still going to be the one making the move to walk away, it's not because he's choosing to, it's because you've just demasculated him and you're staring him down, daring him to stay put for a second longer, and you've probably put it into his head that you have a blade and will potentially cut him. Do you see the difference?

So, in conclusion: "Me too" < "Fuck off" in the Universal Conversational Solvent Olympics (yup), just as Vinegar < Water in the regular ol' Universal Solvent Olympics. So, the next time you say something that warrants a personally-conceived response and you get "Me too," grit your teeth, smile, and tell that dumbass to "Fuck off."

And, as always.

Stay classy.