A Typical Conversation Between Me and Jesus

And no, that's not Jesus of "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" fame (whose "dad" was pissed). That would be Mattie "Jesus" (say it Spanish-y) Vags. We were at the spring concert that our former high school held tonight (cuz we're that fucking cool), and were texting back and forth. That text convo is reproduced below, uncut, uncensored, and unintelligible. Enjoy bitches!

Jesus: What would you do if I palmed your dick? hahaha
Fred: What would you do if I screamed "FIRE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES MOTHERFUCKERS AGGGGGHHHhahahaha just kidding, please continue"?
J: Id shit my pants in delight. hahaha
F: I fucked a goat.
J: Word? And I wasnt invited?
F: Dude I was sacrificing it to you
J: Oh, thats what that was. Im still pissed I wasnt invited. Dick.
F: Didnt the goats innocence show up at heaven?
J: Nope. That was one fucked up goat. It went straight to Hell.
F: Wow. I sorta did the world a favor then. One less goat for death to buttfuck :-)
J: Hmm, indeed son. Good work. But thats still beastiality. Which is a sin so youre going to Hell too. hahahaha
F: Whatever i'll just buttfuck em again. Speakin of buttfucks, look at the buttfuck to my right. Fuckin listening to his ipod at a concert.
J: What a cunt.
F: Lets give him a roofie and stick a broom in his ass
J: Hmm. Indeed. But instead of the broom, we should just use Dumpy. hahahahaha [Dumpy is this Brian kid]
F: I like that idea better.
J: Hmm. Indeed. I do ideas good. hahaha
F: Yes ideas love it when you do them good
J: Everyone loves it when I do them good. hmmmm
F: Especially mary magdalene, i've heard
J: Yeah. I didnt fuck her though. I went mexican on her ass.
F: Whats that mean? Sprinkled cheese and salsa on her taco and ate it out?
J: Although that does sound delicious. No. All I had to do was touch her tummy, and then she was pregnant.
F: James Bond looks at hos and gets them pregnant
J: No no no. Thats chuck norris. But then he looks at them again, and kills the baby.
F: And then drinks the babyblood. With gin
J: Yummy. I hope he's willing to share.
F: Chuck norris doesnt share. He divides. You. In half.
J: He can bring a baby goat back to life, just by shedding a tear. But then kill it again by snapping its neck.
F: Chuck norris doesnt cry. The tears are afraid of his piercing blue eyes and thus seek to get the fuck away as quickly as possible
J: You wanna know whats deadlier than cancer, AIDS, and world hunger combined? A very pissed off Chuck Norris.
F: I wonder if jewish grandmas have their own version of chuck norris?
J: Probably. His dick would be kosher.
F: Snausages?
J: Life sucks and he sucks [referring to our former band director as he gave a long and boring speech]
F: And his wife takes it. Whats he on, kid #6?
J: I think so. She can be his pink ranger. haha
F: Are you talking about her or her vagina?
J: A little bit of bothm.
F: Bothm? Is that like gothams retarded third cousin that nobody talks about?
J: Fuck your mother hard in her spicy mexican asshole.
F: Will do
J: But Casey needs to join you. [Casey is a mutual friend, sitting two seats to my left with his girlfriend, JavaGrava]
F: No! I must do this - alone
J: Dude, shes mexican. Shes had at least 6 kids, she can fit at least 3 cocks in there.

Oh God. If I offended anybody, it wasn't intentional, so don't get all pissed off at me.

And whatever you do

Stay classy

Listen Up Bitches

Chill the fuck out.

Before I eat your firstborns.

Stay classy

Joseph Must've Been PISSED

I was thinking today, and it hit me: Joseph (of "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" fame) totally got the shit end of the stick with the whole Jesus being born thing.

First off, Joseph's wife, Mary, gave birth to the savior of mankind - but the kid wasn't his. Just stop for a second and try to imagine that you have in your household the SAVIOR OF ALL MANKIND, and he came out of your wife, but he has no blood relation to you.

"Hey is that Jesus Christ, Son of Man and Savior of all Mankind?"
"Yeah, that's my boy."
". . . no it's not."

FAIL.

But even worse, from a stereotypical horny guy point of view, imagine this: an angel comes to your wife and says "Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. You're gonna give birth to God's son, and you'll name him Jesus." Your wife relays this to you - she's gonna give birth to GOD'S SON! I mean, we've come a long way with science and shit since Jesus' day, but we really haven't changed much when it comes to making a baby. P in Vajay is how it's done, and how it always WILL be done. So, Joseph is freakin' SOUPED, he's excited as hell, he's getting the bed all ready and whatnot - he's gonna bang his wife AND get mankind's savior out of the deal. It's a win-win.

Then he gets the bad news. The whole "having sex to make a baby" thing isn't gonna be needed for this. Now, Joseph is crestfallen. He's NOT going to father the savior of all mankind. This hits him pretty hard, but finally, he sees the silver lining: while he won't be able to be involved in the conception of Jesus, he WILL be able to have sex with Mary after Jesus is born. Who wouldn't want to be able to brag that they banged the woman who gave birth to the Son of God?

But wait. Bad news, addendum. She has to stay a virgin forever. Even after Jesus is born. And then, the whole "Virgin" title gets tacked on in front of Mary's name, and you can imagine how awkward that gets for Joseph after Jesus is born.

"'Virgin' Mary? Then how'd you get the kid?"
"She was inseminated spiritually by God."
". . . oh. So you didn't . . . y'know . . . do it?"
"Nope."
"And he's not your son?"
"Nope."
"Sucks to be you, bro!"
"Fuck you!"
etc. etc.

So yeah. This is the sort of thing I think about when I SHOULD be studying psychology and (funnily enough) theology.

I'm so going to hell.

Whatever.

Stay classy

The Doubleservation Part 2: Asher Roth is a Fucking Bitch

As promised, here is Part 2 of the Doubleservation: Asher Roth is a Fucking Bitch.

His "hit" song, "I Love College," is all the proof I need in this argument. However, for the sake of clarity (and because I REALLY don't wanna be reading psychology and this wastes time AND lets me bullshit at the same time . . . win -win!), I'll elaborate.

First of all, the chorus. "Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat, then do it again, man I love college." Did Asher Roth even GO to college? Because if he did, then he was a fucking idiot. No self-respecting college student, after passing out at 3, would wake up at 10 (unless they were somewhat studious and had class, but if they had class and WEREN'T somewhat studious, they'd say fuck class and not get up at 10 either).

And then a little later we have the chant section. If I was at a party, and some herb started chanting "FRESHMEN! FRESHMEN! FRESHMEN!" I'd put down my drink, pick up a lamp, and break it over his head, then stomp him. Because screaming "FRESHMEN!" randomly isn't something cool to do at a party. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Ditto goes for "DO SOMETHIN' CRAZY!" If some asshole screamed that at a party I was at, I'd kick the shit out of him, and while he was barely conscious, lying on the floor, I'd look down at him and say "Was that crazy enough for you, ya fucker?"

Because of this, I have officially launched a personal vendetta against Asher Roth. I hereby swear that if, in the course of my life and travels, I happen to cross paths with Asher Roth in a public or private setting, I will kick his ass. With all fifteen of you and the untold infinity of people that comprise the Internet as my witnesses, I swear to uphold that oath. Amen.

And of course, people . . .

Stay classy

The Doubleservation Part 1: Shower Time

Whew, are you guys in for a treat today. Since I've been so swamped with personal shit these past couple days, I haven't had a chance to really get to put the observations I've made up here. So, you lucky bastards get a double feature! I'm gonna make two separate observations for you - IN ONE DAY!

Yay!

Anyway, the Doubleservation Part 1: Shower Time

As a respectable human being, I take a shower every day. Through my shower-taking escapades here at St. John's, I've come to realize something: shower time for me is a time of great intrigue. Allow me to elaborate.

Since August of 2008, when I first arrived at St. John's University, I've fallen asleep in the shower at least 6 times (that's being conservative. It was probably more like 10). In addition, I've zoned the fuck out at least 3 times and only come rushing back to reality upon the realization that the water hitting me was ice cold. And the kicker? Once out of those 6 to 10 times that I fell asleep in the shower, I woke myself up . . . by way of fart.

What is it about the shower that lends me to these interesting incidents? What exactly causes me to fall asleep/zone out/fall asleep and fart to wake myself up? My roommate Okneje, a philosopher of sorts (you should hear his thoughts on how VH1 and MTV are in league to destroy the image of the American Black Man), theorizes that once the water hits my head, I'm lulled into a deeper state of consciousness than in my normal, non-shower-taking moments.

I can fucks with that. I'm sure all of you get that "oooooooooh that feels goooood" feeling when the hot water hits you at that first moment too.

. . . right?

Whatever, screw you too!

Stay classy

Truer Words Were Never Spoken

"Fred . . . you're the only person I know who jokes about anal sex." - Waldy

Amen.

Stay classy

The Fall of Man . . .

. . . will start with Vagina. Now, I'm sorry for all my female readers, and please don't get it twisted: I like Vaginas. One might go so far as to say I love them. But Vaginas will be the cause of the fall of man. Evidence? Oh I've got plenty.

First off, provided by Waffles: Go to Google Images. Type in "Fall of Man" (sans quotes). Hit enter. What do you see? Just in case you're a lazy fuck, click here.

What is this? It's a painting of Adam and Eve. Eve's being all sexy and whatnot, trying to convince Adam to eat the fruit of the tree, fruit that God expressly forbade them both to eat. The conversation probably went a little something like this:

Eve: Mmmm! Eat this, this shit's bangin' as fuck!
Adam: Nah, babe, God told us not to. Chill.
Eve: C'monnn, please? For me?
Adam: Baby, God said not to, and I kinda like it here, so no.
Eve: Listen motherfucker, you're gonna eat this apple or you're never gonna get any pussy outta me ever again!
Adam: Fiiiiine . . .
GOD: WHAT THE FUCK I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT THAT! GET THE FUCK UP OUT MA GARDEN FOOLS! AND YOU'RE BOTH NEKKID!
Adam: Dammit bitch!
etc.

It started before there was even more than one Vagina in the entire world! And now that there are so many more, I shudder when I wonder how much longer we'll last. Because the fact of the matter is, women don't need dicks to survive and be happy in the same way that guys need Vaginas to do the same, and although not all of them know it, enough of them DO know to pose a slight problem. I mean, don't get it wrong, I completely agree with Eddie Murphy on the subject of how much chicks love sex. To paraphrase: "There is not one woman that would say no to a nice stiff one in her if it were offered right now." I mean, I'm sure even nuns get the urge to get a dick in 'em every now and then, but they're just better at mastering the urge than the rest of the women of the world.

You want a more modern example? Look at Oprah. Oprah is a very successful, very wealthy, very intelligent woman, and depending on who you ask, she's even mildly attractive. That said, what's up with Stedman? He's not getting ANY action (out of Oprah, anyway). You know why? Because Oprah has achieved what I like to call Antipenis Actualization(tm). She has come to the conclusion that as a successful, wealthy, intelligent and (depending on who you ask) mildly attractive woman, that she does not NEED dick to be happy.

And this realization, the act of Antipenis Actualization(tm), is dangerous - ESPECIALLY because the main proponent of Antipenis Actualization(tm) is Oprah. To quote Gin Rummy (of "Boondocks" fame): "Oprah Winfrey taps directly into the emotions, beliefs, buying habits and summer reading patterns of billions of women all over the world. Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste to entire industries with a mere utterance. She's a completely invincible unstoppable force of nature."

With a leader such as this, a serious, legitimate threat of female uprising is entirely possible.

Men of the world: not to be vulgar, but please fuck your women. Do 'em well. Cuz if you don't, they might turn to Oprah. And then, dear sirs, WE will be fucked.

And as my dear friend Waffles said: ({}) will be the Fall of Man.

Think about it.

And please, whatever you do.

Stay classy

Worst Job EVER , , ,

. . . HAS to be a job as the guy who types shit for the closed captioning system . . . for stand-up comedy specials. Like having to type out the punchline to a funny-ass joke while laughing your ass off. That's gotta freakin' suck.

Yup. These are the things I think about when I haven't slept in a day.

Stay classy

A Little Retrospective

Hey all. As my first year of college life comes to a close, I thought I'd reflect on it a little here.

This has DEFINITELY been a year for the books. I fell in love, I fought for love, and I lost it. I met people, made friends, lost friends, made new ones BECAUSE I lost those ones, and finally figured out who my true friends were. I fought people for reasons that were so ridiculous that, looking back, I have to wonder what the fuck we were thinking. I've learned a hell of a lot, both from classes and from people - and the stuff I learned from people was pretty disconcerting and disillusioned the everloving shit out of me.

This year has made me question a lot of things that I thought I'd never have to question, about life, people, and myself. Through all the bullshit, all the bickering and fighting, and all the wondering what in the fuck was going on, I'm still standing on the other side (well, actually sorta lying down. But you know what I mean).

And now I'm happy. And the summer's coming up. And then next year I'll be moving in amongst a bunch of pissed-off soccer moms and old folks who will be pissed that the Henley Road building is finally gonna be occupied.

And I'll have fun.

But above all, the one thing I'll do?

Like you even have to ask.

Stay classy

The Shower Effect

Hey all. Today I realized something that I've actually known for quite some time, but I guess I needed a near-death experience relating to it in order to throw up a jount about it on this "blog." Let me lay it out as it happened.

I woke up today at 6:50. My roommate is kind of an asshole and wakes up needlessly at around 6:30 every day, then promptly opens his laptop and blasts Paramore and Slipknot, among other things (mostly "bands" that I've never heard of nor care to know of). So I was barely conscious - but conscious nonetheless - from around 6:50 to 11:10. At 11:10, I decided it was time to get out of bed and shower and get ready for Theories of Personality at 12:10 (where I am now . . . bored).

So I get into the shower, and within the first few minutes I fall asleep. What seems like three seconds later, I wake up suddenly and uncomfortably - but I don't know why. Two seconds later, it becomes all too apparent.

I had farted.

Now let's examine the physics of this. While a fart in the shower seems to be much more powerful than a non-shower fart, this is wrong. According to Facts on Farts, the high humidity and temperature in the shower naturally heightens our sense of smell (and taste . . . yuck), thus creating the illusion of a smellier fart. In addition, the fact that the shower is such a small, enclosed space, and the fact that the humid air circulates much more quickly through the shower stall than it would through a larger space - for example, a classroom - adds to the speed and "oomph" that the smell hits your nostrils, cutting the time delay from poot to first sniff from around 20-30 seconds to around 10.

On an interesting (and very serious) side note, the Shower Effect works on stuff other than farts . . . such as marijuana. In complete seriousness - NEVER. EVER. SMOKE BUD. IN THE SHOWER. True story: my friend knew this kid who was smoking pot at his house alone, when his parents suddenly came home early and wanted to bring him out somewhere. Freaking out, the kid stripped naked - still smoking - and jumped in the shower, turned it on (hot) and pretended to take a shower, while still smoking his pot.

Three hours later, his parents found him passed the fuck out in the shower, naked as the day he was born - with his weed - shower water (now freezing cold) hitting him full in the face.

So yeah. Don't fart or smoke in the shower. And whatever you do, DON'T do both.

But what you SHOULD do is . . .

Stay classy

Something I've Noticed Lately

Hey all. I realized a week or so ago that, in the first post of this "blog," that I said that I would be writing about "what the hell?" moments. Most of the "what the hell?" things that I've seen and/or heard since this thing's inception in September of 2008 have naturally lent themselves to some kind of humorous analysis. The point I'm trying to make is, I promised some funny shit and for the most part, I'd like to think I delivered (I at LEAST got you to chuckle . . . didn't I?).

Anyway.

These past few months, I've noticed that I've been slipping in snippets of what I'm going through personally. It started with The Cold, then became slightly less metaphorical with The Loose Rug of Life, then back to being all philosophical with The Question of Why, then to vaguely specific with You Can't Make This Shit Up and Life is Good . . ., and then a spree from the end of March to early April where I was just lost.

Whew.

That said, I just want to apologize to anyone who's been reading all this shit and thinking "Enough of this depressing bullshit! Get to the [somewhat] funny already ya damn slacker!" I'll get back to that ASAP, but I just wanna give one more personal update.

I'm happy now, and things that were fucked up are cool now, and whatever it is that's fucked up now, I really don't give two shits about it. At all. I have an amazing girlfriend, Rebecca (aka R 'n R, aka Crazy Munchkin, aka Lil Menace), I finally know who my friends are, school's almost out, it's getting warm and nice outside . . . shit's looking up.

So yeah. [What I hope is] Funny shall recommence shortly.

In the meantime, dear readership . . .

Stay classy

I Lied . . .

"I dunno. Fuck it. Shit'll be fine in a few weeks."

I lied. I think things are pretty sweet right now :)

Stay classy

The More Things Change . . .

. . . the more I wonder what the hell happened. I'm starting to feel like I'm about five years behind on the realization that people are . . . interesting, to keep things positive. Whenever I try to explain this revelation to people they either seem sympathetic or in essence say something like "duh."

So all that shit aside, yeah . . . the more things change, the more I wonder what the hell happened. Shit was never perfect, per se - and it never is - but it was peaceful. Genuinely peaceful, because shit's relatively peaceful now too, but it's like . . . I dunno. I feel like someone could sneeze and we'd all be called to arms again. And if it has to be like that, so be it, cuz I'm so sick of this shit that a fight to end it would be a worthy cause, in all honesty . . . but I'd definitely rather not have it come to that.

I mean, it's stupid shit, really. People saying one thing when there's no one around, and then the exact opposite when other people are there, and then the first thing again when they leave. Why do you let other people define who you are? You were fine as you were . . . you made it here without them fine, didn't you? So what the fuck?

I feel like I've learned more about people in these two semesters than at any other time in my life, and I'm really not sure that's a good thing. Of course, it means I have a deeper understanding of people and whatnot. But what about all the people observations I've made and held to be true up until now? What do those mean, if I'm completely thrown for a fucking loop so effortlessly by people now? Makes me question some things that I thought I wouldn't ever have to question. Blehhh.

Whatever.

I dunno. I know it's stupid that I'm stressin' about this shit. But like when I look at how shit was and compare it to how shit's been and how it's looking right about now, I have to wonder . . . what the fuck happened?

I dunno. Fuck it. Shit'll be fine in a few weeks.

In the meantime, dear readership . . .

Stay classy

Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 3

Oh yes, I'm back YET AGAIN with an installment of the only regular gripe I seem to have on this blog (if you can call it a blog), that being people saying absolutely ridiculously stupid shit.

First off, "needless to say." I hate that phrase with a fierce and fiery passion that burns in the pit of my soul. Because the only three possible types of things that can come after someone says "needless to say" are:

1. Something PAINFULLY obvious
2. Something that leads them off to a tangent that a) takes a half an hour to explain and b) you DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
3. Something that really DIDN'T NEED TO BE SAID.

I mean, if even YOU are acknowledging that what you're about to say doesn't NEED to be said, then why the hell are we even having this discussion? That's like a hemophiliac pressing a loaded gun to his thigh and saying "y'know, this is gonna hurt like the fucking dickens, and will probably kill me," and then pulling the trigger anyway. What the hell kinda sense does that make? Can you say "bottled water?" Sure you can.

If you can speak English, anyway.

Secondly, is "ftw." For some strange reason this has infected me and I've used it in conversation twice in the past two hours, but I assure you this will stop. For those who don't know what "ftw" means (aka smart people), it's a bullshit IM acronym that stands for "For the win." To properly use "ftw," you need to follow a formula that goes a little like this: "(something that's either awesome in and of itself or something that perpetuated something awesome) ftw." For example, a conversation where I (shamefully!) used this stupidass acronym is below.

This is an actual AIM conversation between me and a friend. I've changed the screen names to protect myself and said friend. I'm in red. The context was two songs by "The Lonely Island" playing in a row:

i'm a rican90 (1:01:47 AM): holy shitttt

i'm a rican90 (1:01:49 AM): back to back?

i'm a rican90 (1:01:56 AM): this is totally on shuffle

crazymunchkin (1:02:01 AM): its an Easter miracle!

i'm a rican90 (1:02:01 AM): itunes ftw

It's fucking stupid! Saying "For the win" implies that there was some kind of competition involved, but I'm pretty sure in 99.99999% of the applications of "ftw" there is absolutely no such thing! Stop saying that shit, you're influencing smarter people than you and dumbing us all down! Assholes!

Lastly, I HATE when people misuse "bitchass" and make it out to be a good thing. Apparently outside the tri-state area it's cool to be bitchass, but in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, bitchass is NOT COOL. Next person who calls me bitchass and genuinely thinks it's a compliment is gonna get beaten with a stick until near dead.

Happy Easter!

Stay classy

I KNOW HOW TO CATCH OSAMA

Okay. So me, Waldy, and Okneje just got into a discussion about the War in Iraq and the potentiality of war with North Korea and whether or not China would join in, and how that could affect the fight. Basically, the sorta shit you talk about at 2:30 in the fucking morning when you can't sleep and you're listening to Colbert talk about the war and shit.

In doing so, we realized something - Osama can be caught, and it's so simple that I can't believe we haven't thought about that shit. Let me lay it out as we figured it out.

Who is the one group of people that no mortal man can ever hide from? This group has been finding the most hide-and-seek-ass muthafuckas in the world for the past 147 years. 147 YEARS! Who is this group?

The Internal Revenue Service. Name one man - ONE MAN - that's EVER been able to hide from the IRS. I say, pull out the CIA agents looking for his 6'7" turban-rockin' bitchass and helo-drop some IRS agents. They'll find his punk ass in like twenty minutes, ESPECIALLY with all the child support his smelly kidney-disease-havin' ass has failed to pay these last twenty years.

Trust me. It would work.

Stay classy