Merry Christmas, from all of us at Legally Blind Observations.
In case you don't know, that's just me. Cletus died of beard cancer. We'll do a Dan Fogelberg and drink a toast to the old guy's innocence/soul/memory.
But yeah. Get drunk, be merry, get laid, but above all, be safe.
Stay classy
-Fred the Observer
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Why Do You Say Such Stupid Shit? Volume 4
Once again, readership, I've come back with yet another installment of what seems to be the only thing that regularly pisses me right the hell off, that being how people tend to say the stupidest shit and make me sad on the inside.
As an aside, I might actually make this a "Feature" if I can get enough stupid shit that people say. Shouldn't be too hard.
Anyway.
The first one comes from a question someone (most likely a Communist) asked of Rebecca aka R n' R: "Did you know that Thanksgiving was on a Thursday this year?"
NO WAY SERIOUSLY? If you hadn't told me, I would've celebrated it on Wednesday, like I did last year. Oh no, wait a second . . . I'm pretty sure I celebrated it on Thursday last year . . . and the year before . . . and the year before that.
ARE YOU SENSING A TREND HERE, DUMBASS? It's ALWAYS on a Thursday. If you'd eat turkey instead of STUPID, maybe you'd be a little better off, asshole.
Another favorite: "What have I done!?" Usually it's drawn out, and sounds really REALLY confused, so it's more like "WHAT have I doooooooone!?"
Hey asshole - WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? Assuming you don't have extreme-short-term-memory amnesia (or whatever the technical term for that shit is), then you SHOULD remember what you just did, and thus SHOULDN'T have to ask, ESPECIALLY not in an "I'm not asking anyone in particular" rhetorical manner.
And the best one, by far - usually uttered by parental units when they're trying to make a point. Ironically enough, however, instead of making a point, they make me MAD.
But I digress.
You as a five-year-old: "But Jimmy told me to do it!"
Parents: "So if Jimmy told you to jump off a building, you'd just do it without a second thought too?"
NO, DUMBASS.
I might be young, Mommy, but I wasn't born yesterday. There is a HUGE difference between what Jimmy told me to do and PLUMMETING TO MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD DOOM OFF A BUILDING. And to be quite frank, Mommy, if you can't grasp the distinction between childhood shenanigans and five-year-old DOOM OFF A BUILDING, then perhaps you should put me up for adoption. Because raising retards is hard, but being raised BY a retard . . . is retarded.
Stop saying such stupid shit!
Actually wait. I find myself at an interesting internal struggle here. If people were to stop saying such stupid shit, while it would make my life a lot less stressful, it would also deprive me of something to bitch about here, and writing these Observations DOES make me happy.
Hmm. Carry on, idiots. Give me something to write about.
And whatever you do, for God's sake.
Stay classy
As an aside, I might actually make this a "Feature" if I can get enough stupid shit that people say. Shouldn't be too hard.
Anyway.
The first one comes from a question someone (most likely a Communist) asked of Rebecca aka R n' R: "Did you know that Thanksgiving was on a Thursday this year?"
NO WAY SERIOUSLY? If you hadn't told me, I would've celebrated it on Wednesday, like I did last year. Oh no, wait a second . . . I'm pretty sure I celebrated it on Thursday last year . . . and the year before . . . and the year before that.
ARE YOU SENSING A TREND HERE, DUMBASS? It's ALWAYS on a Thursday. If you'd eat turkey instead of STUPID, maybe you'd be a little better off, asshole.
Another favorite: "What have I done!?" Usually it's drawn out, and sounds really REALLY confused, so it's more like "WHAT have I doooooooone!?"
Hey asshole - WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? Assuming you don't have extreme-short-term-memory amnesia (or whatever the technical term for that shit is), then you SHOULD remember what you just did, and thus SHOULDN'T have to ask, ESPECIALLY not in an "I'm not asking anyone in particular" rhetorical manner.
And the best one, by far - usually uttered by parental units when they're trying to make a point. Ironically enough, however, instead of making a point, they make me MAD.
But I digress.
You as a five-year-old: "But Jimmy told me to do it!"
Parents: "So if Jimmy told you to jump off a building, you'd just do it without a second thought too?"
NO, DUMBASS.
I might be young, Mommy, but I wasn't born yesterday. There is a HUGE difference between what Jimmy told me to do and PLUMMETING TO MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD DOOM OFF A BUILDING. And to be quite frank, Mommy, if you can't grasp the distinction between childhood shenanigans and five-year-old DOOM OFF A BUILDING, then perhaps you should put me up for adoption. Because raising retards is hard, but being raised BY a retard . . . is retarded.
Stop saying such stupid shit!
Actually wait. I find myself at an interesting internal struggle here. If people were to stop saying such stupid shit, while it would make my life a lot less stressful, it would also deprive me of something to bitch about here, and writing these Observations DOES make me happy.
Hmm. Carry on, idiots. Give me something to write about.
And whatever you do, for God's sake.
Stay classy
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Heat Surge
Readership, I know I've been a little on the low side with the Observations lately. There is a reason - I went through a few of my more recent ones, and realized that there wasn't too much quality in them. I'll say it plainly: after Blame Elevators for Obesity, the next "good" Observation (in my mind) was Pigeons. This saddens me, so now I'm going to opt for a more "quality over quantity" approach. This means that you might have to wait a little longer for Observations, but each one will be a winner.
Like this one.
There's this new product out there called the Heat Surge. It's made by Amish craftsmen, costs around $300, and as you can see, it's basically a portable space heater made up to look like a fireplace, complete with fake coals and a fake roaring fire behind them up against a screen. The cool thing about it is that the "fire" emits heat, but as it's not actually real fire, it doesn't burn when touched. How does it work? From the website's Frequently Asked Questions:
Like this one.
There's this new product out there called the Heat Surge. It's made by Amish craftsmen, costs around $300, and as you can see, it's basically a portable space heater made up to look like a fireplace, complete with fake coals and a fake roaring fire behind them up against a screen. The cool thing about it is that the "fire" emits heat, but as it's not actually real fire, it doesn't burn when touched. How does it work? From the website's Frequently Asked Questions:
"Virtually silent fan forced technology, 24 blade Air-O dynamic fan draws cool air through the back into the wind tunnel heat chamber, and disperses out into your home the bone soothing heat."
Have you spotted the one little snag here yet? Read it again. Go on, I'll wait.
Still no?
Okay, I'll tell you.
When in the hell have Amish people EVER used "virtually silent fan forced TECHNOLOGY," or ANY TECHNOLOGY AT ALL!? They almost have to go to confession for wearing a damn wristwatch, for God's sake, but a fucking silent forced fan that draws cool air back into a wind tunnel heat chamber and disperses it out into your home, and has a nifty little fake fire and coals to put the image of a cozy fireplace in mind? I mean, shit, might as well just start shopping online and watching TV too, cuz you're Amish-cred is shot to shit after that.
For $300 (more, after shipping), I'll buy a sweater and an Xbox 360 and be warm and entertained.
Sheesh.
Stay classy
Have you spotted the one little snag here yet? Read it again. Go on, I'll wait.
Still no?
Okay, I'll tell you.
When in the hell have Amish people EVER used "virtually silent fan forced TECHNOLOGY," or ANY TECHNOLOGY AT ALL!? They almost have to go to confession for wearing a damn wristwatch, for God's sake, but a fucking silent forced fan that draws cool air back into a wind tunnel heat chamber and disperses it out into your home, and has a nifty little fake fire and coals to put the image of a cozy fireplace in mind? I mean, shit, might as well just start shopping online and watching TV too, cuz you're Amish-cred is shot to shit after that.
For $300 (more, after shipping), I'll buy a sweater and an Xbox 360 and be warm and entertained.
Sheesh.
Stay classy
Friday, December 11, 2009
Blame Elevators for Obesity
Unintentionally, it seems that I've done back-to-back "Blame X for Y" posts. While this is a complete coincidence, readership, the issue that I'm bringing up in this Observation is quite a serious one.
The following is a true story.
It will sound mean. It is mean.
It will sound exaggerated. It is the truth.
Today, I was going to see my girlfriend Jordan on the fourth floor. I live on the ground floor, which, due to some retard's design decision, is called the "basement." So technically, she lives on the fifth floor, but whatever.
Anyway, I got into the elevator, pressed the button for the fourth (aka fifth) floor, and stood back. As the door began to slide shut, a strange sound reached my ears. It was almost as if a mute elephant had been airlifted to the top of one of those amazingly high and steep staircases that the Mayans seemed to love to put on the sides of their temples, and then dropped down the entire staircase. Except with like fourteen elephants that were three times as large as they would usually be in the wild.
At this point, I'm like "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?" The ground's shaking, and whatever the hell is making this noise is getting closer - and fast. I start to mash the "door close" button, hoping beyond hope that whatever fucking super-tiger-dinosaur creature that's coming towards me gets assed out of eating me because the elevator door closes on it.
No such luck, however. A large, morbidly obese arm - notice how I said ARM, not PERSON - hooked itself around the door and basically forced it back open again. And what followed was the biggest, morbidestly obesest person I'd ever seen, huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf after an asthma attack. It (because I honestly couldn't tell if this was a dude or a chick) stepped into the elevator with me - and the elevator dropped an inch or two - and I stepped back as far as I could, giving this creature room.
The chubbiest of fingers reached out towards the row of buttons, and pressed . . .
1.
WHAT THE FUCK!?
What you're saying is, you could run at nearly SIXTY MILES PER HOUR so you could finja your way into the elevator and fucking SMOOSH me into the CORNER, but you couldn't climb TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!? And then have the nerve to be like "hurry up . . fucking elevator . . . " under your breath!?
GET SOME EXERCISE ASSHOLE.
And for God's sake, whatever you do.
Stay classy
The following is a true story.
It will sound mean. It is mean.
It will sound exaggerated. It is the truth.
Today, I was going to see my girlfriend Jordan on the fourth floor. I live on the ground floor, which, due to some retard's design decision, is called the "basement." So technically, she lives on the fifth floor, but whatever.
Anyway, I got into the elevator, pressed the button for the fourth (aka fifth) floor, and stood back. As the door began to slide shut, a strange sound reached my ears. It was almost as if a mute elephant had been airlifted to the top of one of those amazingly high and steep staircases that the Mayans seemed to love to put on the sides of their temples, and then dropped down the entire staircase. Except with like fourteen elephants that were three times as large as they would usually be in the wild.
At this point, I'm like "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?" The ground's shaking, and whatever the hell is making this noise is getting closer - and fast. I start to mash the "door close" button, hoping beyond hope that whatever fucking super-tiger-dinosaur creature that's coming towards me gets assed out of eating me because the elevator door closes on it.
No such luck, however. A large, morbidly obese arm - notice how I said ARM, not PERSON - hooked itself around the door and basically forced it back open again. And what followed was the biggest, morbidestly obesest person I'd ever seen, huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf after an asthma attack. It (because I honestly couldn't tell if this was a dude or a chick) stepped into the elevator with me - and the elevator dropped an inch or two - and I stepped back as far as I could, giving this creature room.
The chubbiest of fingers reached out towards the row of buttons, and pressed . . .
1.
WHAT THE FUCK!?
What you're saying is, you could run at nearly SIXTY MILES PER HOUR so you could finja your way into the elevator and fucking SMOOSH me into the CORNER, but you couldn't climb TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!? And then have the nerve to be like "hurry up . . fucking elevator . . . " under your breath!?
GET SOME EXERCISE ASSHOLE.
And for God's sake, whatever you do.
Stay classy
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Blame Darwin for Porn
And anything else people do that you don't like. But I'm gonna stick with porn for this Observation.
Anyway.
Humans are obviously very special, unique members of the animal kingdom, for many reasons. Our opposable thumbs, for example, make us very different from many animals, except for our monkey ancestors.
But there's something else, something so rare in the animal kingdom that we only share it with one other animal (the dolphin). What is it?
We get pleasure from sex.
Now you all see the porn connection. But what about Darwin? Glad you asked.
Darwin's theory of natural selection basically states that traits that will help an organism survive and reproduce - or are basically "desirable" - are passed on to the next generation, and those which will not, or aren't desirable, die with the last carriers of them. For example, most animals that exist today have the right side of their bodies controlled by the left side of their brains, and vice-versa. Why, you ask? Imagine being attacked from the right side, and someone smashing the right side of your head. Now, if the right side of your body was controlled by the right side of your brain, the right side of your body would be pretty nonfunctional right now - not good for you in this situation, because your right side is the side closest to your attacker. However, seeing as in actuality the right side of your body is controlled by the left side of your brain, if you were to be smashed in the right side of the head, you'd still be able to raise your right arm and defend yourself. A desirable trait? Fo sho.
But back to porn.
Since humans are one of the two known species that gain pleasure from sex, with regards to Darwin's theory of Natural Selection, there had to be a reason why this trait - gaining pleasure from sex - had to be more desirable than the alternative. The reason why? Years in the future, a business called "the porn industry" would make untold millions - even perhaps billions! - of dollars, exploiting the fact that human beings get pleasure from sex (even if it's with Jackie or Palmela instead of with a significant other).
So yeah. Hate porn? Blame Darwin.
But whatever you do
Stay classy
Anyway.
Humans are obviously very special, unique members of the animal kingdom, for many reasons. Our opposable thumbs, for example, make us very different from many animals, except for our monkey ancestors.
But there's something else, something so rare in the animal kingdom that we only share it with one other animal (the dolphin). What is it?
We get pleasure from sex.
Now you all see the porn connection. But what about Darwin? Glad you asked.
Darwin's theory of natural selection basically states that traits that will help an organism survive and reproduce - or are basically "desirable" - are passed on to the next generation, and those which will not, or aren't desirable, die with the last carriers of them. For example, most animals that exist today have the right side of their bodies controlled by the left side of their brains, and vice-versa. Why, you ask? Imagine being attacked from the right side, and someone smashing the right side of your head. Now, if the right side of your body was controlled by the right side of your brain, the right side of your body would be pretty nonfunctional right now - not good for you in this situation, because your right side is the side closest to your attacker. However, seeing as in actuality the right side of your body is controlled by the left side of your brain, if you were to be smashed in the right side of the head, you'd still be able to raise your right arm and defend yourself. A desirable trait? Fo sho.
But back to porn.
Since humans are one of the two known species that gain pleasure from sex, with regards to Darwin's theory of Natural Selection, there had to be a reason why this trait - gaining pleasure from sex - had to be more desirable than the alternative. The reason why? Years in the future, a business called "the porn industry" would make untold millions - even perhaps billions! - of dollars, exploiting the fact that human beings get pleasure from sex (even if it's with Jackie or Palmela instead of with a significant other).
So yeah. Hate porn? Blame Darwin.
But whatever you do
Stay classy
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Wives of Ninjas
Readership, half-asleep in a stupor borne of having to write a 5-page history paper that I didn't know about until yesterday, due today (which I finished), I had a revelation. Ninjas, while awesome, would have made absolutely terrible husbands. Stick with me here.
I'd have to think that a ninja wouldn't tell his wife that he was a ninja at first, which I imagine would lead to some shit.
"Where were you last night, Isao? And what is this stain on your collar? Hmm!?"
"Uhhh. . ."
"Ohhhhh I knew it, you're cheating!"
"Okay, listen. I assassinated a visiting dignitary last night. The stain on my collar is the blood of a traitor."
Yeah that shit wouldn't go over too well.
And also, in Feudal Japan, the wife was basically the servant to the husband. She cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, planted crops, etc. etc.
Ninjas had to have OD high metabolisms (because of all the running, climbing, and fighting they did), so they would always be eating, meaning his wife would be always at the stove cooking some grub up for him to assassinate- er, eat.
Also, ninjas stay slayin' muthafuckas, so there would be a lot of blood splatters on their clothes and whatnot. I dunno about you, but every time I've tried getting blood out of fabric, it's been pretty difficult, especially if it's set in - and you know ninjas did NOT have that Tide To-Go Pen shit handy after they sliced some dishonorable bitch open and got all his blood on his jacket, so that shit's set in by the time he gets home.
From what I understand of women, "I'm gonna sneak around all the time, murdering people and getting my clothes all bloodied and maybe ripped, but you better wash and mend my clothes and make me dinner cuz I'm HUNGRY!" don't fly. I guess for ninjas back in the day, it was less about finding a wife and more about finding a hooker.
Stay classy
I'd have to think that a ninja wouldn't tell his wife that he was a ninja at first, which I imagine would lead to some shit.
"Where were you last night, Isao? And what is this stain on your collar? Hmm!?"
"Uhhh. . ."
"Ohhhhh I knew it, you're cheating!"
"Okay, listen. I assassinated a visiting dignitary last night. The stain on my collar is the blood of a traitor."
Yeah that shit wouldn't go over too well.
And also, in Feudal Japan, the wife was basically the servant to the husband. She cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, planted crops, etc. etc.
Ninjas had to have OD high metabolisms (because of all the running, climbing, and fighting they did), so they would always be eating, meaning his wife would be always at the stove cooking some grub up for him to assassinate- er, eat.
Also, ninjas stay slayin' muthafuckas, so there would be a lot of blood splatters on their clothes and whatnot. I dunno about you, but every time I've tried getting blood out of fabric, it's been pretty difficult, especially if it's set in - and you know ninjas did NOT have that Tide To-Go Pen shit handy after they sliced some dishonorable bitch open and got all his blood on his jacket, so that shit's set in by the time he gets home.
From what I understand of women, "I'm gonna sneak around all the time, murdering people and getting my clothes all bloodied and maybe ripped, but you better wash and mend my clothes and make me dinner cuz I'm HUNGRY!" don't fly. I guess for ninjas back in the day, it was less about finding a wife and more about finding a hooker.
Stay classy
Friday, November 27, 2009
Rosetta Stone
Readership, I've seen a bunch of commercials that piss me off. There's this, this, this, and then there's always the classic this. Rosetta Stone has a commercial that doesn't piss me off, per se, but it makes me wonder a little.
You've probably seen it - it's really the only one that they have, to tell you the truth. In the middle of the commercial, the "narrator" says that Rosetta Stone is so amazing that it's used by different branches of the U.S. Government. She mentions the State Department, the CIA, and NASA.
What the fuck? Why do you need to learn a foreign language to go to space? All the dudes in the ISS know English, so not for that. And unless Rosetta stone has created a freakin' Martian disc, then that shit is useless for a NASA astronaut.
Stupid NASA.
Stay classy
You've probably seen it - it's really the only one that they have, to tell you the truth. In the middle of the commercial, the "narrator" says that Rosetta Stone is so amazing that it's used by different branches of the U.S. Government. She mentions the State Department, the CIA, and NASA.
What the fuck? Why do you need to learn a foreign language to go to space? All the dudes in the ISS know English, so not for that. And unless Rosetta stone has created a freakin' Martian disc, then that shit is useless for a NASA astronaut.
Stupid NASA.
Stay classy
Friday, November 20, 2009
Pigeons
Readership, having been born in suburban Connecticut and lived there for 18 or so years before going to college in New York City, there are countless very dramatic differences between the two - as well as a bunch of subtle ones. One such subtle difference is the behavior of the pigeons in New York City as opposed to the ones in Connecticut.
In Connecticut, the pigeons are pussies. Plain and simple. Basically, you look at one the wrong way and it flies south, regardless of what season it is. If you make a gunshot noise, they scatter like the Whos when the Grinch rolls through. It's actually quite pathetic.
In New York City, however - whoa. These pigeons are hard-fucking-core, man. I walked right up to one last year and gave it the evil eye, and it stared ME down. From around the same height as my ankles, it stared me DOWN. I had to back down and give the little thug some space. I've rolled like four deep, with it being me and three pigeons. They're gangsta as hell. And make a gunshot noise at them? I tried that shit once, and the little fucker pulled out a Glock 9 and ran me for my fitted, then flew away. I was like "what the fuck?"
All that said, squirrels in New York City are just as bitchmade as they are in Connecticut.
Stay classy
In Connecticut, the pigeons are pussies. Plain and simple. Basically, you look at one the wrong way and it flies south, regardless of what season it is. If you make a gunshot noise, they scatter like the Whos when the Grinch rolls through. It's actually quite pathetic.
In New York City, however - whoa. These pigeons are hard-fucking-core, man. I walked right up to one last year and gave it the evil eye, and it stared ME down. From around the same height as my ankles, it stared me DOWN. I had to back down and give the little thug some space. I've rolled like four deep, with it being me and three pigeons. They're gangsta as hell. And make a gunshot noise at them? I tried that shit once, and the little fucker pulled out a Glock 9 and ran me for my fitted, then flew away. I was like "what the fuck?"
All that said, squirrels in New York City are just as bitchmade as they are in Connecticut.
Stay classy
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
You Have GOT to be Shittin' Me (Literally)
Readership, as I was settling in to take a nap today before class, a commercial came on. I've come to the conclusion that 99% of commercials are ridiculous, so I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised, but this one pissed me right the hell off.
It's for this stupidass thing, pictured above. Know what it does?
IT SHITS.
The fuck!?
The DAY that I'm cleaning up a DOLL'S shit, is the day that I roll in said dollshit, then roll in some breadcrumbs and bake until lightly browned.
Ridiculous!
Stay classy
Don't You Have a Dayjob?
Readership, as a college student, I see a lot of weird shit on a regular basis. From transvestites to midgets, and from blonde Asians to (what I'm pretty sure are) crackheads, I've seen it all over this past year and a half. But this semester, I've seen something that both puzzles me and pisses me off.
Watch any movie about college and there's a good chance that you'll see the "40+ single mom that's taking night classes to get her degree" character, and those definitely exist. I have one such woman in my Emergence of Global Society class at 6pm (tonight, actually), who is not only out of her fucking mind, but has also hit on me repeatedly (in English AND Spanish).
This doesn't bother me ("this" being the presence of 40+ single moms in night classes at colleges across the country. every time she hits on me I get hella uncomfortable, cuz she's old and ugly). Having a mother who goes to night school in order to get her Masters for Education, I can understand both the need for the class and the need for the timing (aka at night). My mom is far too busy during the day with teaching and being a mom to be taking classes, and thus she's usually up until untold hours of the morning doing homework and the like.
What DOES bother me, however, is the class I'm in right now, which has not one, but TWO OLD DUDES. One of them looks like he's at least 28, and the other at least 35. The fucked up part? THEY BOTH DRESS LIKE THEY'RE MY AGE. The younger one has the single diamond stud, the big "I'm a thug" watch, the spiked hair and the fly kicks. The older one rocks Ed Hardy like it's his fucking job, with the small-brimmed baseball-esque caps that all you white people love to wear - and WRINKLES FIT FOR A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN on his face. And even more fucked up? They're CONSTANTLY trying to mack on this one girl who (I'm pretty sure) is a freshman. So we have a 30+ year old guy going after some 18 year old chick (who is admittedly attractive, but that's not the point). What the fuck.
Why are these guys here? Why don't they have jobs - no, fuck a job, at 35 you need to have a CAREER. Shit man, please don't let me be still taking daytime classes when I'm 35, hitting on 18 year old chicks. If that's my fate, snuff me out NOW.
Old bastards. Sorta failing at that whole "livin' life" thing, aren't you?
Stay classy
Watch any movie about college and there's a good chance that you'll see the "40+ single mom that's taking night classes to get her degree" character, and those definitely exist. I have one such woman in my Emergence of Global Society class at 6pm (tonight, actually), who is not only out of her fucking mind, but has also hit on me repeatedly (in English AND Spanish).
This doesn't bother me ("this" being the presence of 40+ single moms in night classes at colleges across the country. every time she hits on me I get hella uncomfortable, cuz she's old and ugly). Having a mother who goes to night school in order to get her Masters for Education, I can understand both the need for the class and the need for the timing (aka at night). My mom is far too busy during the day with teaching and being a mom to be taking classes, and thus she's usually up until untold hours of the morning doing homework and the like.
What DOES bother me, however, is the class I'm in right now, which has not one, but TWO OLD DUDES. One of them looks like he's at least 28, and the other at least 35. The fucked up part? THEY BOTH DRESS LIKE THEY'RE MY AGE. The younger one has the single diamond stud, the big "I'm a thug" watch, the spiked hair and the fly kicks. The older one rocks Ed Hardy like it's his fucking job, with the small-brimmed baseball-esque caps that all you white people love to wear - and WRINKLES FIT FOR A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN on his face. And even more fucked up? They're CONSTANTLY trying to mack on this one girl who (I'm pretty sure) is a freshman. So we have a 30+ year old guy going after some 18 year old chick (who is admittedly attractive, but that's not the point). What the fuck.
Why are these guys here? Why don't they have jobs - no, fuck a job, at 35 you need to have a CAREER. Shit man, please don't let me be still taking daytime classes when I'm 35, hitting on 18 year old chicks. If that's my fate, snuff me out NOW.
Old bastards. Sorta failing at that whole "livin' life" thing, aren't you?
Stay classy
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Revelation on the Bowl
Readership, as I dropped a deuce today, I had a revelation.
While you can argue all day whether the mother of invention is ingenuity or necessity, at the end of the day, its father will ALWAYS be laziness.
An explanation? Oh of course. I'll go even further than just a mere explanation. I'll give examples.
But first, an explanation.
Inventing something new requires a few things. For one, it requires intelligence. This can be debated, but usually when something that's actually worth a damn gets invented, the inventor wasn't an idiot. The key phrase here is "actually worth a damn." I could invent a toothbrush with four heads and three bristles, and since there's nothing out there that can say it's a toothbrush with four heads and three bristles, it's a new invention. Is it worth a damn, though? Fuck no it's not.
Secondly, inventing something requires creativity. This one can't be debated - every single invention, by its definition, is borne of a thought or idea that is OUTSIDE the norm, aka creative. The Sun was nice, but only around during the day, and the idea of a night-light being anything but a candle or a fireplace was a ridiculous, almost asinine concept before Thomas Edison dropped the mindfuck of lightbulbery on the world.
Thirdly, inventing something requires perseverance. Keeping with the Thomas Edison example, his first lightbulb design was FAR from perfect - as were his second, third, fourth, hundredth, and ten thousandth designs. However, after ten thousand designs that sucked major donkey balls and failed completely, the winning design was invented and the lightbulb lived.
Now all that is well and good, but the SINGLE THING that every invention needs - the inciting incident, the catalyst, the spark - is, unequivocally, pure and utter laziness.
Now it's time to be makin' with the examples.
"I don't wanna have to use this bitchass abacus anymore. It takes too much effort." That led to the calculator.
"I'm sick of having to go out in the woods, cut down a tree, cut it up into logs for hours on end, and then throw it into the fire - JUST to have some heat and be able to cook my food!" Enter the heater and stove.
"Why do I have to use this got-damn stove - all that watching the stuff and making sure it doesn't burn takes hella effort." Hello microwave.
"I really don't wanna have to spend time writing a letter and then waiting for it to get to my homeboy across country." And so the telephone was invented.
Courtesy of Waffles: "'I'm so tired of chasing vagina.' And thus the girlfriend was invented.'"
He's kidding. Calm down.
But yeah. I can go on and on with this all day, but I think you've got the gist down. Every single thing that's been invented was invented due to the inventor's laziness, which just happened to be (ironically) coupled with a dedication and ingenuity that would not let them quit until the stimulus that brought on the need for said laziness was eradicated.
And that, readership, is what I think of while I'm taking a shit.
Stay classy
While you can argue all day whether the mother of invention is ingenuity or necessity, at the end of the day, its father will ALWAYS be laziness.
An explanation? Oh of course. I'll go even further than just a mere explanation. I'll give examples.
But first, an explanation.
Inventing something new requires a few things. For one, it requires intelligence. This can be debated, but usually when something that's actually worth a damn gets invented, the inventor wasn't an idiot. The key phrase here is "actually worth a damn." I could invent a toothbrush with four heads and three bristles, and since there's nothing out there that can say it's a toothbrush with four heads and three bristles, it's a new invention. Is it worth a damn, though? Fuck no it's not.
Secondly, inventing something requires creativity. This one can't be debated - every single invention, by its definition, is borne of a thought or idea that is OUTSIDE the norm, aka creative. The Sun was nice, but only around during the day, and the idea of a night-light being anything but a candle or a fireplace was a ridiculous, almost asinine concept before Thomas Edison dropped the mindfuck of lightbulbery on the world.
Thirdly, inventing something requires perseverance. Keeping with the Thomas Edison example, his first lightbulb design was FAR from perfect - as were his second, third, fourth, hundredth, and ten thousandth designs. However, after ten thousand designs that sucked major donkey balls and failed completely, the winning design was invented and the lightbulb lived.
Now all that is well and good, but the SINGLE THING that every invention needs - the inciting incident, the catalyst, the spark - is, unequivocally, pure and utter laziness.
Now it's time to be makin' with the examples.
"I don't wanna have to use this bitchass abacus anymore. It takes too much effort." That led to the calculator.
"I'm sick of having to go out in the woods, cut down a tree, cut it up into logs for hours on end, and then throw it into the fire - JUST to have some heat and be able to cook my food!" Enter the heater and stove.
"Why do I have to use this got-damn stove - all that watching the stuff and making sure it doesn't burn takes hella effort." Hello microwave.
"I really don't wanna have to spend time writing a letter and then waiting for it to get to my homeboy across country." And so the telephone was invented.
Courtesy of Waffles: "'I'm so tired of chasing vagina.' And thus the girlfriend was invented.'"
He's kidding. Calm down.
But yeah. I can go on and on with this all day, but I think you've got the gist down. Every single thing that's been invented was invented due to the inventor's laziness, which just happened to be (ironically) coupled with a dedication and ingenuity that would not let them quit until the stimulus that brought on the need for said laziness was eradicated.
And that, readership, is what I think of while I'm taking a shit.
Stay classy
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Actually, No I Didn't Hear You
Readership, once again, a conversational "what the fuck." Let me spit it atcha real quick.
Sometimes, during the course of a conversation (textual or in person), you'll simply not understand something the other person says, or even worse, not hear it. In such situations, it's customary for you to say something along the lines of "what do you mean?" or "what did you say?" respectively.
If the person that you're talking to is NOT a douchebag, they will either explain their meaning more clearly for you until you understand, or repeat what they said a little more loudly or clearly so you can hear it, again, respectively.
However, it seems that there's been a recent trend of people acting absolutely retarded and saying "you know what I mean" (as a statement, not as a question), or "you heard me" in these situations.
Really? I know what you mean, eh? Funny, because usually in the course of normal human interactions, if I knew what you meant, I'm pretty sure I WOULDN'T BE ASKING FOR CLARIFICATION.
Oh? I heard you, did I? I mean, it's just that when I hear what people say, I don't tend to ask them to repeat it because I DIDN'T hear it.
Extreme circumstances can arise, most notably in textual communications (it's very hard to tell inflection and intent through purely textual communications), although there can be complications in face-to-face communications (especially if one or both of the conversation-havers are sarcastic and/or assholes). But barring that, if you say something to which I respond "what do you mean?" or "wait, what did you say?" FUCKING ANSWER ME SO WE CAN MOVE ON.
Jeeze man.
Oh. And by the way. This is the 150th post of this here steaming pile of shit. To all of you who have been here since day 1 (aka one or two of you, if that), and to all of you who have jumped on board and stayed (for whatever reason), all I have to say is . . .
I am so sorry.
Nah, I'm kidding. Thanks. All the times I've heard positive shit about this (and negative too - haters keep hatin' cuz I thrives off it!) has kept me going.
All that mushy shit aside, you've got homework. And you know what it is.
Stay classy
Sometimes, during the course of a conversation (textual or in person), you'll simply not understand something the other person says, or even worse, not hear it. In such situations, it's customary for you to say something along the lines of "what do you mean?" or "what did you say?" respectively.
If the person that you're talking to is NOT a douchebag, they will either explain their meaning more clearly for you until you understand, or repeat what they said a little more loudly or clearly so you can hear it, again, respectively.
However, it seems that there's been a recent trend of people acting absolutely retarded and saying "you know what I mean" (as a statement, not as a question), or "you heard me" in these situations.
Really? I know what you mean, eh? Funny, because usually in the course of normal human interactions, if I knew what you meant, I'm pretty sure I WOULDN'T BE ASKING FOR CLARIFICATION.
Oh? I heard you, did I? I mean, it's just that when I hear what people say, I don't tend to ask them to repeat it because I DIDN'T hear it.
Extreme circumstances can arise, most notably in textual communications (it's very hard to tell inflection and intent through purely textual communications), although there can be complications in face-to-face communications (especially if one or both of the conversation-havers are sarcastic and/or assholes). But barring that, if you say something to which I respond "what do you mean?" or "wait, what did you say?" FUCKING ANSWER ME SO WE CAN MOVE ON.
Jeeze man.
Oh. And by the way. This is the 150th post of this here steaming pile of shit. To all of you who have been here since day 1 (aka one or two of you, if that), and to all of you who have jumped on board and stayed (for whatever reason), all I have to say is . . .
I am so sorry.
Nah, I'm kidding. Thanks. All the times I've heard positive shit about this (and negative too - haters keep hatin' cuz I thrives off it!) has kept me going.
All that mushy shit aside, you've got homework. And you know what it is.
Stay classy
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
If Only You Could Speak as Well as You Write
Readership, I'm in a Theology course that emphasizes the connection between pagan literature and Biblical scripture. As such, we delve into some shit that might border on bullshit, and most of this stuff is in the form of written words (essays, written quizzes, message board postings, etc.)
People write some OD eloquent shit, I'm not gonna lie. But then, the professor asks them to read what they've written.
This is when the problems start.
"Like, what I'm, like, tryin' to like, say, is, like this is all, like, myths."
What the fuck? That sentence was ten words long, and you expanded it wholly unnecessarily to fifteen.
Fuckin' bullshit.
Stay classy
People write some OD eloquent shit, I'm not gonna lie. But then, the professor asks them to read what they've written.
This is when the problems start.
"Like, what I'm, like, tryin' to like, say, is, like this is all, like, myths."
What the fuck? That sentence was ten words long, and you expanded it wholly unnecessarily to fifteen.
Fuckin' bullshit.
Stay classy
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Yet ANOTHER Thing that I Hate
Yup, readership, I'm back with something else that pisses me off. You can add this to bottled water, newer Cartoon Network, the Land Before Time, people who act retarded, shoes that make noise, Nostradamus, Kanye West and stupidass commercials. My path to Lewis Black-ness is almost complete haha.
But I digress.
Something that I've noticed people doing a lot lately (not specifically this example, but this is the format) is as follows:
Person A: Do you want a Coke or a Dr. Pepper?
Person B: Yes.
Let us examine this bullshit for a moment. Person B has been given two options (which, I might add, are QUITE different), and instead of opting for one or the other, or even giving the much-hated "I don't care"/"surprise me" response (fucking HATE that), they've chosen to respond with "Yes." Yes what, dumbass?
PICK ONE YA FUCK.
And whatever you do
Stay classy
But I digress.
Something that I've noticed people doing a lot lately (not specifically this example, but this is the format) is as follows:
Person A: Do you want a Coke or a Dr. Pepper?
Person B: Yes.
Let us examine this bullshit for a moment. Person B has been given two options (which, I might add, are QUITE different), and instead of opting for one or the other, or even giving the much-hated "I don't care"/"surprise me" response (fucking HATE that), they've chosen to respond with "Yes." Yes what, dumbass?
PICK ONE YA FUCK.
And whatever you do
Stay classy
An Interesting Philosophical Question
Note: While this post operates on what I'll call "THE MAIN POINT" (which you'll see below), this is NOT a post against women, or a post degrading women. While I know in my heart of hearts that women (and more specifically, Vaginas) will bring on the end of the male half of the human race, the following bears no male chauvinistic hatred towards women, and is merely an observation and statement of an opinion which will (hopefully) make you laugh. End of commercial!
Readership, as a kgb_ Special Agent, I handle a lot of questions from the average American (and now, apparently the average UK resident as well). Some of them are normal, involving math, science, or English, or who starred in some movie. Others, however, are ridiculous. I'm not allowed to repeat the questions I find ridiculous outside of kgb_ because of the odd chance that the person who asked the question (technically in confidence with us at kgb_) will see their question and see me saying how ridiculous it was and feel bad and spread the word that kgb_ Special Agents are assholes and make us lose business, etc.
Anyway.
That said, every now and then, there's a question asked that is PURE GOLD, and as it happens, I have one such question currently, which I will put to you. I hope you're ready.
kgb_ customer: If you force sex on a hooker, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Yes.
That was my reaction.
But before I go any further, allow me to acknowledge that LEGALLY, this is rape. As in, if you were to force sex on a hooker, and were arrested, you would be charged with rape, not shoplifting. The following is more of an Observationalist view than a legal view on the subject.
That said, let us examine this question by first defining our terms "hooker," "rape," and "shoplifting."
Thanks to good ol' Dictionary.com we can easily find those definitions. I'll define them quickly for you.
Hooker - slang n. prostitute
Rape - n. the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse
Shoplifting - v. to steal (merchandise) as a shoplifter
Now, a hooker (or prostitute) renders sexual services for financial gain. Shoplifting (or stealing) entails getting services rendered or goods delivered and not enduring any (immediate) negative financial repercussions.
THE MAIN POINT: Hookers are criminals, and as such, give up most of their rights when they become hookers. That might sound fucked up, but to everyone who says "that's not right, Fred the Observer! You're fucked up man!" think about this: whenever you see a hooker, do you immediately try to befriend them? Or are you like "fuck this hooker, me and my bros/hos are gonna mess up her day!"? Of course you think the latter. Any responsible American would.
And I don't wanna hear shit about "ohh they have their children to feed and they're raising the kid by themselves cuz the baby daddy left" fuck that shit. If you weren't a loose hussy, you wouldn't have the kid in the first place, so having a kid is no reason to be a hooker (MAYBE a stripper, but not a hooker).
That said, I believe that forcing sex on a hooker is shoplifting. You're stealing a service that you'd normally pay for.
Fucked up? Perhaps. But you won't have to worry about any of this if you just do one simple thing.
What is that thing? Oh readership, you already know.
Stay classy
Readership, as a kgb_ Special Agent, I handle a lot of questions from the average American (and now, apparently the average UK resident as well). Some of them are normal, involving math, science, or English, or who starred in some movie. Others, however, are ridiculous. I'm not allowed to repeat the questions I find ridiculous outside of kgb_ because of the odd chance that the person who asked the question (technically in confidence with us at kgb_) will see their question and see me saying how ridiculous it was and feel bad and spread the word that kgb_ Special Agents are assholes and make us lose business, etc.
Anyway.
That said, every now and then, there's a question asked that is PURE GOLD, and as it happens, I have one such question currently, which I will put to you. I hope you're ready.
kgb_ customer: If you force sex on a hooker, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Yes.
That was my reaction.
But before I go any further, allow me to acknowledge that LEGALLY, this is rape. As in, if you were to force sex on a hooker, and were arrested, you would be charged with rape, not shoplifting. The following is more of an Observationalist view than a legal view on the subject.
That said, let us examine this question by first defining our terms "hooker," "rape," and "shoplifting."
Thanks to good ol' Dictionary.com we can easily find those definitions. I'll define them quickly for you.
Hooker - slang n. prostitute
Rape - n. the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse
Shoplifting - v. to steal (merchandise) as a shoplifter
Now, a hooker (or prostitute) renders sexual services for financial gain. Shoplifting (or stealing) entails getting services rendered or goods delivered and not enduring any (immediate) negative financial repercussions.
THE MAIN POINT: Hookers are criminals, and as such, give up most of their rights when they become hookers. That might sound fucked up, but to everyone who says "that's not right, Fred the Observer! You're fucked up man!" think about this: whenever you see a hooker, do you immediately try to befriend them? Or are you like "fuck this hooker, me and my bros/hos are gonna mess up her day!"? Of course you think the latter. Any responsible American would.
And I don't wanna hear shit about "ohh they have their children to feed and they're raising the kid by themselves cuz the baby daddy left" fuck that shit. If you weren't a loose hussy, you wouldn't have the kid in the first place, so having a kid is no reason to be a hooker (MAYBE a stripper, but not a hooker).
That said, I believe that forcing sex on a hooker is shoplifting. You're stealing a service that you'd normally pay for.
Fucked up? Perhaps. But you won't have to worry about any of this if you just do one simple thing.
What is that thing? Oh readership, you already know.
Stay classy
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